Growing a gentleman.

[sharond101]

How do you do it? DS is only coming up for 8mo. DH has a friend who has a DS of 10 years old and he is such a gentleman. He is very well spoken, polite and caring. He comes across more mature for his age and always makes time to talk with people, (before going back to his lego) Is it a matter of setting a good example?

Basically, yes! Although will watch with interest as I have 2 DSs that have lovely manners, but are far from gentlemen!

How lovely. My 9 year old DS is a sweetie.
Encourage them to understand how other people feel, model good behaviour and explain why you need to behave a certain way. Praise good/kind behaviour and insist on manners. Be kind, positive and loving. Talk with (not at) your kids.

(Not in any way trying to suggest I get it all right but just some ideas!)

i would think a 10 year old that was that polite would probably go home and pull legs off of flies

Absolutely about setting a good example. Having grown up in quite an aggressive household I'd say how you all talk to and treat each other is vital. Be polite and kind to each other and he will see that and learn from it. Also start manners early, don't think they're too young. DS has said please and thank you as soon as he could talk and at 2.5 he usually remembers without prompting. (Still has major tantrums though so don't expect perfection! )

By setting a good example, and by explaining why things should be done this way of that, as and when things arise.
ds and his friends are 16, and lovely to other people's parents
Have you watched Kevin the Teenager ?

All very useful hints, thank you. I believe talking with rather than to your kids is excellent advice.

A good male role model also helps I think. At some point they grow away from their mummies and begin modelling their behaviour on the man they see most often. They always come back to their mummies of course, but a good man will guide them through difficult patches by leading by example.

I have 2 DSs (8 and 6).

People think that boys are naturally rough and ill-mannered but Imdon't subscribe to that. They do need a lot of physical activity compared to girls, but I absolutely insist on good manners.

Between the ages of 4 and 6-ish can be difficult, but don't let up. They will emerge on the other side as vaguely civilised!

matana agree totally. V impt that boys see dad doing school run regularly, dad taking time off work when they're sick, dad doing housework.

I think DH's collegues are a bit that he has to do the bathrooms every week.

Yes certainly to modelling behaviour but there are different personalities at play. My father was one of nature's gentlemen, my uncle less so, but they were both lovely men.

Yes all of the above. We hadn't a clue how to do things when we started but we sort of muddled through. Trying to set a good example helps I'm sure.

We have stuck together (as did both our sets of parents) so I suppose there were male role models there. We have tried to be 'signposts to God' while - with St Paul - thinking of ourselves as 'chief of sinners'

Not going to 'boast' but things have worked out very well for whatever reason; my feeling is that DCs are like assorted plants; you don't know what variety of seeds they are but you just provide the soil and nourishment for them to grow into the plants they have the potential to become.

Two anecdotes:

When DS1 was about 5 I did something 'wrong' - can't remember what. He was taken aback. I then confessed 'yes that was wrong; grownups sometimes do things wrong or make mistakes'. 'But if you know enough to recognise wrong actions, then it's your responsibility to make sure you don't copy the wrong actions.' I could almost see the little light bulb of understanding coming on! He's now in a good job with 2DCs, and a lay preacher!

DS2 was a terror: wrecked everything; filled the bath then emptied it all on the floor (new ceiling needed downstairs), no idea it was wrong - it was just fun; pulled the TV off a high shelf by the cable and it nearly fell on him. Always asking 'why'? then yes, but why ....? Quite mischievous and the usual sibling wars. But I was going through management training / personality analysis at the time and could see the underlying traits. (Also - let's admit it, saw a younger version of me!) So I felt that so long as he could be mischievous without being malevolent, all would be OK. He followed me to Cambridge, did science then theology, and as a Philosophy / RE teacher is an intellectual match for the trickiest sixth-former.

Proud of them both, of course. And very thankful.
DW's part (apart from doing all the million things mums do): prayed regularly for them all.

"DCs are like assorted plants; you don't know what variety of seeds they are but you just provide the soil and nourishment for them to grow into the plants they have the potential to become."

ahhh.... so true

I think it helps a lot if you have a lovely, gentlemanly husband or partner to act as a role model. Both my father and my husband are very 'gentle' men (though my husband is actually quite sporty, not to mention a very good shot, if needed) and rarely shout and swear and never resort to violence.

I am sure that if boys see their fathers treating their mothers with respect they regard it as the norm. It also helps if they see their fathers stacking dishwashers and clearing tables and quietly getting on with domestic stuff.

If you haven't got these things it can still be done. I think talking to boys about men and women and how relationships work well between them helps a lot. Sometimes I watch The Big Bang Theory with my teenage son and we talk about the geeks and their relationships and relationship failures, and why they are getting things right or wrong.

I agree with all the above, and would like to reinforce Abra1ds comment above - that if no positive male role models are around, it most definitely can still be done, for any lone parents around

Having taught teenage boys for the best part of the last 8 years I have seen some very gentlemanly behaviour, and the exact opposite! The things I think are really important are:
Showing that women are to be respected as much as men in school/workplace situations. Chauvinism is alive and well!
Empathy-teenage boys often do not seem to exhibit any understanding of other people's emotions.
Good manners.
Eye contact and smiling.
Ability to listen.

I hope that my DS picks some of these up along the way! He's 8mo at the moment, so am trying to get him young!

Can I just throw in a point here?

'Catch them doing something right' - an ounce of encouragement / genuine praise is worth at least a pound of training and nagging.

Also if a boy (of any age - get my point?) has a go at something (stacking the dishwasher, cooking, ironing etc) don't fret about the fact that they haven't done it perfectly, or the way you would have done it, or in a way that you feel threatens 'your' territory. Just rejoice inwardly and 'treasure it up in your heart'

But I'm sure you knew that already ........

My DH is very gentlemanly and both he and I are polite and, err, well behaved. We argue but we are never rude or disrespectful (well, almost never....nobody is perfect ). I think this has helped our DC's be polite and respectful. They know we value good manners. I always pointed out other peoples good manner sand would praise mine when they deserved it.

I have a DB who swears (badly) all the time and used to do it constantly in front my DC's. He also used to make racist comments. TBH I think he did my DCs a favour as they could see was an idiot he was. I swear occasionally but I have never, ever heard (or heard of) my, now young adult, DC's swear or be smutty. We arent uptight about things, for example, we can watch The Inbetweeners together and we don't sit around judging others.