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Will this third baby kill my marriage ? Bit long...

5 replies

cheethaz · 05/01/2013 10:26

So, obviously dh knew what he was letting himself in for when we did the deed at the required time of the month. We had agonised for about a year before deciding to try for a few months. Our tries were pretty half hearted however...it was all very much led by me. Had I said, two is enough dh would have been happier I think. Anyhoo - am now 31 weeks pg. our kids (3&5) are delighted and dh has been great. No complaints or spoken regrets although initial dismay was clearly apparent. So far so good you'd think. But I know he really doesn't want the disruption and chaos a new baby will bring. He likes a degree of order which was beginning to come back into our lives. He doesn't like it when I'm a bit helpless, and this pg has been tougher than previous. He's a great dad and works hard to provide for us. I work too but we always agreed he would be primary breadwinner. He's now taking on even more work which will make him less available in the months after the birth. I have said I'd prefer less money and more time w him but he says he wants the financial rewards. We can live without the money of course but we will spend anything that comes in! He's also considering working abroad overnight 5 days before my due date even tho our number 2 came at 39 weeks. Overall dh is generally a bit grumpy and distant these past few months and in my heart I know it's probably because he feels he's been backed into a corner. But here we are: what can I do to stay sane w three kids but still protect a marriage that is imperfect but is what I want for my children and I in the future. Thanks for you advice

OP posts:
catwoman101 · 05/01/2013 17:35

No marriage is perfect, remember that.

I don't think there is anything specific you can do apart from keep talking to your dp about how you feel - but your post suggests you are already doing this. Make sure he is clear on your thoughts about working abroad.

I suspect that when you have your baby things will improve, as although there l be lack of sleep and a degree of chaos that you said your do doesn't like, at least he will have a new dc to love. I think it is hard for dp's to love the baby when we are pregnant, especially during a difficult pregnancy, as they can't feel it etc, and this causes them to have little excitement and lots of worries.

Good luck.

Tolly81 · 05/01/2013 19:30

Agree with pp in that I think he'll come round a little more when the baby is born. Remember that for men there are some of the same threats with each pg - i.e. there will be a bit less love/attention/affection for them and more work. Is it feasible to plan something a while in advance (like a date) that you could both look forward to? Even if it's when baby is several weeks/months old it might help?

ticklebug74 · 05/01/2013 21:23

I am not sure a marriage can be killed by a third child unless it is not solid in the first place. I am 11 weeks into dc3 which my dh didn't want. I won't lie - it has been tougher than I could ever imagine. We are both struggling, have fought (which we never normally do) and dh has told me he is not coping, does not feel a bond with dc3 but says he loves me and we will get through this. I feel very vulnerable at the moment but still would not change a thing. I know things will get better as dc3 gets a bit older. Key is to talk openly. I was pretending to cope and be all happy so as to not stress dh out when it actually made him feel inadequate as he was not coping. Good luck and hope it all works out.

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cheethaz · 06/01/2013 16:11

Hi,
Thanks very much for replies. Ticklebug - can I ask, if you knew your DH didn't want a third - how did you go about convincing him? Or was it an accident? Does he not resent you for putting you both in the position of overriding his feelings on the matter?
I think we probably are muddling along ok despite stresses but I am very nervous about the added tension that exhaustion and sleep deprivation inevitably bring. I wouldn't say our marriage is not solid but nevertheless I wouldn't feel I could say for sure we will survive any difficulties the future holds. Having said that, we have made it through 15 years, 2 kids, 4 miscarriages. We both fall into that "competitive tiredness/work effort/ who is doing more" thing.....I wish we wouldn't as it is so predictable but we do. It seems to peak when the baby is around 10 - 16 months and then in the past, we've gotten a bit better but who knows. In what ways have you found life tougher with 3? Maybe I could put some strategies in place?? (ever hopeful!)
Thanks again for the answers - is just nice to think we might not be the only ones out there struggling!

OP posts:
ticklebug74 · 08/01/2013 17:21

Sorry for the late reply. He didn't want a third but we just were not using protection so he knew the consequences!! He said he was happy with two but will get used to three. I think we will survive this but tension is high and at the moment I do not like having him around as he is so moody. We have family coming to stay at various times from may - september so I am sure once she is that bit older, we have family around to help and the weather gets better he will be happier. Just don't shut hubby out thinking he doesn't want dc3 as that is what I was doing and it made him feel worse.

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