should I let my toddler hit back??

[duplotractor]

I have seen threads before on whether parents should encourage their kids to hit back or not but my dc are too small for any of that sort of talk. (and I am not sure what I would advise anyway).

But a couple of times recently at stay and play type groups my ds has been pushed or hit by other boys (both times boys a bit older and bigger than him). One of the times the same boy hit him a few times and was just totally random (i.e. absolutely no provocation) and the other time the other boy wanted the toy my ds had, my ds resisted and the other boy clonked him.

Whereas in the past my ds would just cry in these sorts of situation recently he has started sticking up for himself and pushing the other child back and one time he grabbed the other boys shoulders in a rage.

Each time I rushed over and stopped my son and took him away . And said something like "no hitting". My ds has been upset each time and sort of crying buy also wanting to fight back iyswim.

The first boy (the one who hit my son several times) was with a childminder and she could see but did nothing. A bit later during song time when her mindee kept poking my son and it was obvious she could see she just said "oh he seems to have taken a shine to your son"! I also noticed a few times she could see her mindee antagonising my son (e.g. trying to wrestle toys off him) and deliberately went to do something else e.g. admire someone's baby - I think to avoid intervening.

The mum of the other child was just chatting.

I feel really bad as in effect I feel that it is as though I am punishing my ds (stopping him and taking him away ) when he is the one being hit first. touch wood my ds isn't one for hitting/pushing other children first yet.

My ds is 2.2 and not really verbal enough for me to teach him to say anything to the other child.

Some friends have suggested the following - (1) wander over leisurely so my ds gets a bit of a hit back (2) just pretend I haven't seen (3) be open about seeing but do nothing, perhaps say "are you playing nicely" a bit later.

Do any others have any advice??

I firmly believe that children need to to taught how to negotiate and how to resolve conflitcs by themselves.
it is very tempting for adults to either step in too early or to ignore completely.
The trick is to know when to intervene.
In your situation (and at work, I am a early years practitioner in a pre-school) I would wait and see how the conflict was going before stepping in when it looked like it was getting too heated.
Then I would give gentle reminders of the behaviour you do want, i.e playing nicely, being friendly, taking turns, making friends happy.
I also reinforce the consequences of certain behaviours by talking about feelings and how certain situations make us feel.Books, tv, films are a good way to do this, as is after any event which gets a bit heated.
I also tell them to use words, instead of actions and to say no or stop hurting me very loudly if someone is hurting them.

I have absolutely no compunction about telling other people's children to apologise and enforcing the no hitting rules with them as well as my own.

Tell the other child to stop hitting.

When the cm says "he's taken a shine", say my ds doesn't like to be hit.

You have to stand up for your child.

Also teach your ds to say "no hitting" and to come to you.

I stopped taking ds to playgroups at that age because it got to violent! I'm not convinced its a good idea to let kids run riot in an enclosed space anymore

I would firmly tell the naughty child to stop hitting/grabbing and then turn and give all your attention to your child. Agree with teaching ho hitting/violence but at the same time you have to teach your child to stand up for himself by saying stop or no.

Also teach turns 'no xx (my son) is having a turn right now, you can have a turn when he is finished'. Keep repeating to child if needed. Hitting childs turn begins when your child has finished with the toy.

I would also straight away tell the childminder/mum 'your DS has just hit my son' so that they take responsibility. Keep telling the child minder/mum every time they do it. The childminders behavior is very bad. If the child is know to constantly hurt others, she should be right next to him constantly to stop it. I would point this out to her if pushed.

Is it worth having a word with the people who run the play group and get them to talk to the childminder?

I tell my girls not to hit at all -it's not a way of resolving anything really. But then I have girls - the mothers of little boys seem to feel differently...

I was brought up to hit back if someone hit me but never to raise my hand first.

TBH I do teach my DS the same thing because it worked well for me when I was being bullied, a few girls hit me first so I did it straight back and they didn't bother me again.