WHAT'S HAPPENING TO HER BEHAVIOUR?

[MollyMooMin]

My DD is 15 months old and I have to admit, she's always been an angel.. always laughing,playing with you,babbling, and she's so sociable with everyone,but... just recently, if she doesn't get EXACTLY what she wants, when she wants, she has a crying fit which is SO unlike her. If we're out walking and she's getting close to danger, near water, for example, and we stear her away, she can be un-controllable.. Is this just normal toddler behaviour or do we need training in discipline??

It is what is known as terrible twos. Very common and some children like your dd get it earlier than 2!

Remember she is still little so lots of time to learn and grow out of these tantrums.

Totally normal. :) This is from the mumsnet what to expect at 18 mths email.

How he behaves: One of the developments you won't be able to miss is his sudden contrariness. If you ask his to come to you, he will scoot off in the opposite direction for no apparent reason. Except there is a reason - he does it because he's learning that he can. He can also makes toddler plans, in as much as he can anticipate what's going to happen, for example that Daddy or you will come home after work and play with him.

He may start having tantrums, which can be triggered by trivial events, or by you stopping him from stepping out in front of a bus. You'll know when you see one, but the ingredients are: screaming as if being murdered, flopping down, flailing around with his arms and legs and sometimes banging his head. A red face (both his and yours) are essential. There are whole books written about tantrums and all I'd say is I'm not a fan of ignoring them or getting cross, remember you're the adult and he's only one and a half. His tantrum isn't naughtiness, he may be frustrated, tired, hungry, or just want out of the situation he's in. He may want to do things for himself and you are stopping him because you're in a hurry or don't want him to tip food over himself. He's not going to be having tantrums when he can say what's wrong (or they'll be more mild). However embarrassed you are if this happens in the supermarket, remember that everyone looking at you did the same thing themselves when they were toddlers.

Before I clicked on this I said to DH a fiver says she is 2.

It is a phase they go through.

Thanks everyone... first time mum who picks up on everything that's out of character, and worries it's not normal... s'pose it's good news that she's just "normal", eh?

Yep, totally normal! Part of the tantrum thing is the frustration at realising they are their own person and starting to think about their own decisions, but not being able to communicate their wishes to you, or fully understand your reasons for stopping them. Must be tough! We manage by a mixture of avoidance (we don't go to the park with the really dangerous climbing thing because he's not allowed on it yet and it really annoys him when I try and stop him!) and diversion (alternative activities, and sometimes the old chestnut "ooh, what's that over there?" while he's still little enough to be a little gullible!)

It gets easier as they get better at communicating, ds is 17 mths and already it's a lot easier.

I agree with kitbit that distraction is a huge huge help specially at this age. I used to head some tantrums off with odd things like "OOOH! There's nanny's car!!look! oh, it wasn't hers, it was another silver car.....are silver cars your favourite?" and general blathering like that...

Also she has wise words about not taking them places you know will frustrate - if she always has tantrums at the supermarket, shop on-line or in the evening!

As DS got older, I found that he 'fed' on ANY input at all, once he was in a tantrum - me being in the same room as him, even ignoring him, was enough, as he would have me to be the focus of his anger...so to help him I ended up using time out, 2 minutes in his room alone...this just ensured that he was safe but had nothing to ffed his anger, and it would usually tail off.

Just to give a bit of hope, my DS is three and a half and hasn't had a tantrum since before he was three - he can still get angry, but not to tantrum stage.

So it won't go on for ever!

How would you say is the best way to deal with them when they happen? I know she's trying to communicate her annoyance at something, but when she's trying to do something that's really wrong..should I ignore her? Obviously she doesn't understand if I tell her WHY I'm stopping her doing it...she just thinks I'm horrid!! Diversion sometimes winds her up even more.... HELP.
Some good replies though, thanks!

Really tricky isn't it... I mostly try to keep my voice even and firm and only speak a little louder or more sharply when something's dangerous. The change in my voice is usually enough to surprise him into stopping and then I can divert. hahaha....easier said than done I know and it's taken a lot of practise!!!! We have 2 "don't touch" words, one is "hot hot hot" accompanied by blowing on fingers and encouraging him to do the same, and the other is "yuk!!!" which for some lucky reason has always stopped him and he knows if I say YUK I'm usually about to take something out of his hand and now he doesn't usually protest. Again sounds lovely and easy like that doesn't it... it took some working up to to get it to work! Upside is that I can tell him something's hot or yuk if I don't want him to touch, and when he's moved away I tell him more about what it was and why he shouldn't go near it. God knows if he understands or not, but I'm hoping bits of it will sink in!

If it's bad behaviour I'm trying to stop I go for the eye to eye contact, and take his hands or wrists, crouch down and look as stern as possible and say firmly "no, that's not acceptable". Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't.

Oh, and when I can see a "moment" coming up I often swoop in from behind with the old "here I come here I come....!!!" and then grab him and whirl him out of the way of whatever it was and go "wheeeee!!!!" and tip him upside down... usually makes him forget he was about to feed the cat into the paper shredder or whatever! It also helps that he's getting the hang of "ready steady go!" so I do that and he starts running. Limited life that one, and won't work when he catches on, but for the moment it's very useful!

Hope some of this waffle is useful x

Wow,kitbit! Are you sure you're not "supernanny"? Excellent tips, Thank-you!

my son started this and i definately find ignoring to be the most effective method, whilst distraction is great it doesnt teach the chid that you dont want him to do something and he will most likely go back to trying to do whatever it is you want at a later date. my chidl is only just over a year and everyone is amazed at what he actualy does understand. i only have to say NO once ina frim voice and make eye contact for him to stop doing what it is i want him not to be doing. but recenly he began to push his boundaries and so i would say no firmly then remove him to another place in the room. if he began to scream i would turn myself away from him and crry on doing whatever it is i was doing. within a week or so he was much better and back to just not doing something when i tell him no.

My ds is 2 and i have found i cant take hime to the beech for a nice walk! Why? because he screams blue murder because i wont let him run into the sea! Seriousley thought i'd have a lovely long walk across the beech (now that i live a nice short 15 min walk away) and by god did i regret it! He screamed and threw himself so much i had ppl looking at us
Sometimes on a bad beahviour day (which is not very often) he hits his head on the floor because i said no to another biscut. He started this just before he was two and i have actually herd myslef arguing with him! thinking i would get somewhere trying to reason with him to either calm down or understand what i am saying. Now i just say no once and ignore!

Just wondering though does anyone else have a problem with there child hitting other children? I have started to notice that he lashes out sometimes with serious face going on and hits i dont smack him and i am not sure why he does this or where he got this from?

this is really interesting - i've started a thread \link{http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk?topicid=8&threadid=165410\here} before seeing this. sorry to hijack, but happybebe would you mind having a look & telling me what you think? your ds is about the same age as the baby in my thread! Big ta x

My DS laughs when I try to stop him from doing something (ie going in Kitchen cupboards, pulling toilet roll, hitting the cats etc. etc.). He laughs, and then goes straight back and does it again and again. The tantrums aren't too bad yet (DS is 19 months) but when he laughs at me its very knowing - he's constantly trying to push the boundries. I guess all you can do is stick to your guns and be firm....!

This is great advice and a subject thats terrofying me as mt dd is 11 months old and still sweet and giggley. But I'm starting to see the beginnings of tantrum-like behaviour ie - arches her back and thrashes if she doesn't want to lie down for a nappy-change, thumps the floor and cries if I remove the tv remote control for example from her dribbley mouth... its so scary to know it's all just about to start and potential last for 2 years...!

thanks MollyMooMin! Glad you think some of my waffle might help! :)

oh, thought of something else...now you've got me on a roll!!! ...
I also try and weigh up whether what he's doing or wants to do really is a problem, and therefore whether it's worth making a fuss about and adding to his frustration. For example, is it really a problem that he wants to go and play in the garden right now or is it just that I'm too lazy to get off my bum and go with him?! Of course there's a balance between this and making sure boundaries are set, but sometimes it's just easier (and nicer) to say yes and this doesn't mean I'm letting him "get away" with anything or that I'm not keeping an eye or condoning bad behaviour. It just means I'm avoiding putting us both in a situation where I'm stopping him doing something by chilling out about it a bit.

Right, I'll shut up now!!! :)