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Parenting

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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable???

24 replies

becks130 · 27/12/2012 16:28

Hi,

I've been with my husband for 10 years and we have 3 DC together but we have one HUGE problem, his mother! She a different religion to us (my husband has no religion) and I completely respect this but I have always said from when I was pregnant with me 1st DS that I do not want the children being involved in her religion as it conflicts with there own but I have not stopped them from seeing the children just that I do not want them going to religious gatherings with her. Well to cut a long story straight a couple of yrs ago se was cought out by us and we discovered that whenever they were at her house they were attending religious gathering. I forgave her for lying and everything was ok. However I have now found out that she is at it again. My son attends a RC school and attends church but my husband can't c anything wrong in what his mother is doing and it is putting a real strain on our marriage, I really don't want to end our marriage over this but I'm finding it hard to c his point, this has been an on going argument for 7 years now and I am always portrayed as the bad guy. Please help I really don't know wot to do :(

Thanks

OP posts:

Sirzy · 27/12/2012 16:31

What harm is it going to do your children to be aware of and take part in celebrations of other religions?

They are only the religion they are at the moment because you have told them that is the way it is, when they are older they will make their own choices about religion anyway.

It all seems to be about what you want not what your husband wants or more importantly your childen want.

chrismissymoomoomee · 27/12/2012 16:37

Ending your marriage over it won't change anything, he will have the children for half the time or weekends and holidays or however you work it and his Mother can still take them to these gatherings.

It doesn't bother your DH but it does bother you, why are you the more important parent who gets to choose what they are taught about?

I can't see that your MIL imposing her religion on your children with your DHs blessing is any worse than you imposing yours on them, surely its best for them if they are educated in all religions and can choose if they want to follow one in future.

Uppermid · 27/12/2012 16:41

I think that it's good that children learn about all religions, they can then make up their own mind.

I would however be very cross that your mil was going behind you back.

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Original poster

becks130 · 27/12/2012 16:42

I agree I really do but her religion involves door to door preaching, no Xmas, no birthdays and I'm not even allowed to mention any of these in her present. It even went as far as her boasting to family members that she will b telling my children what a load of rubbish Santa and Christmas is, surely this is not right? Also my husbands does have an issue with it he left the religion as soon as he was 16, he just doesn't want to challenge his mother.

OP posts:

Original poster

becks130 · 27/12/2012 16:45

OP posts:

chrismissymoomoomee · 27/12/2012 16:46

my husband can't c anything wrong in what his mother is doing

Also my husbands does have an issue with it

^ which is it?

You are now drip feeding, the issue about saying santa and christmas is a load of rubbish is different to teaching them about her religion. Either way leaving your DH won't solve the 'problem' will it?

Original poster

becks130 · 27/12/2012 16:52

If I was going to put all of the things she has done over the past 6/7 yrs it would b a lot of reading! She has issues with most celebrations and makes a big deal about my dc celebrating anything. I do not have a problem with other religions I really don't I find them very interesting and believe everyone had the right to follow what ever religion they wish. I just don't want my dc becoming confused about 2 very similar but very conflicting religions. We live in a very multicultural area of London so my fc are very aware of all kinds of religions and that they r all to b respected just as we respect our own.

Please don't think in being single minded I'm really not that type of person x

OP posts:

Sirzy · 27/12/2012 17:04

Do your children are aware of all the religions except the ones you don't want them to be aware of?

Uppermid · 27/12/2012 17:25

My dd's go to school with children of the religion I think your talking about, they are aware of it and feel sad for the children, we explain that they just do things in a different way to us and don't have any celebrations.

I would take this opportunity to say talk about mil religion and how it is different to what you believe. Don't try and hide it or rubbish it. If she tells them there is no Santa, just explain well that what she thinks, but I believe in the magic of Santa. They are with you most of the time so will probably go with what you say.

Original poster

becks130 · 27/12/2012 17:27

They r well aware of her religion the main concern I have is the door to door preaching, something my husband grew up with and he is not happy with either. Maybe posting on here for support was a bad idea after all :(

OP posts:

Uppermid · 27/12/2012 17:30

Not at all, you weren't clear originally on what the religion was!

I also said that whilst I think children should be able to make up their own minds, that by going behind your back she is in the wrong.

I personally don't like the catholic religion but it is your right to follow that faith as it is your mil right to follow hers, but all this sneaking behind backs is wrong

chrismissymoomoomee · 27/12/2012 17:31

She isn't taking them preaching door to door though is she?

BackforGood · 27/12/2012 17:41

I think you have to separate out the issues. Like most people who have replied, I wouldn't have a problem with my children going along to a ceremony from another religion, and seeing what that is all about, but that's very different from you MiL telling them there's no Father Christmas, and also a BIG jump to taking them knocking doors to push her religion.

nailak · 27/12/2012 17:46

I dont have an issue with people talking to my dd1 about their religions, taking her to their ceremonies etc but if they were telling her that something I believed in was rubbish I would have to pull them up on it. I would also try and explain it to dd so that she herself could see it wasnt rubbish.

ALittleBitOfMagic · 27/12/2012 18:05

I dont think the fact of whether learning about different religions is good for dcs is the issue here , it's the fact your mil is blatantly going against your wishes as their mother .

And there is a difference about being taught about a religion and being preached to - and I sense (correct me if I'm wrong !!) your dcs are being subjected to the latter .

Original poster

becks130 · 27/12/2012 18:08

Yes she has taken them preaching behind my back as well as meetings in which they r bit allowed to speak!

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3b1g · 27/12/2012 18:09

I'm guessing she is a JW or similar?
I think that your children spend enough time with you that they are unlikely to be converted just from going to a few gatherings with her, but try talking to him again; maybe ask him how he would feel if the children decided to convert to her religion?

Uppermid · 27/12/2012 18:10

Well in that case she would not have unsupervised access to my children if I were you.

It might be better to give all the facts in your opening pst!

mrslaughan · 27/12/2012 18:19

It would be a shame for this to end your marriage - is your husband scared about standing up to her?

I am very open to other religions, BUT that does not sound that this is what it is about. It is about her trying to indoctrinate them into her religion....I would have issue with her - infact it would stop my dc going to her house - taking them door to door preaching....I would simply not make them available to go there, keep them busy doing other things....she can see them at yours - supervised visits if you like

I would be extremely pissed if she actually carried out the threat of FC - and make it clear to her that if she breathes a word of it, that will be it . No more contact - she is just being a manipulative bitch.

She can believe what she wants , but needs to respect that this is not your families belief system.

chrismissymoomoomee · 27/12/2012 18:27

People can't give proper advice if you start off with a pretty minor upset in your post and continually drip feed throughout the thread with things that are much worse.

How does your DH actually feel about this? You say one minute he is fine and the next that he isn't so its pretty unclear.

Original poster

becks130 · 27/12/2012 18:31

It makes me very sad that she can not just accept that We want to bring our dc up the way that we want. My husband is her only child so these will b the only grandchildren she has and she is making it very difficult. I have always respected her in the way that I did not talk about Xmas, birthdays, baptisms ect but she still can't find it in her to respect me or my opinions. I even gave up marrying in a church for her as she refused to come. She told everyone who would listen that we were not a real family until we married!

OP posts:

Original poster

becks130 · 27/12/2012 18:34

My dh is against it but as his mother starts crying or shouting when she doesn't get her own way he thinks its easier just to let her get her own way, so I think it's safe to say he is just looking for an easier life.

Like I said if had put all facts in my first post it would have been very long winded and tone honest I was in mess when writing it :(

OP posts:

Uppermid · 27/12/2012 19:29

Tell your dh that his mother is behaving like a toddler. Does he give in to your dc when they have a tantrum as that's all this is, may e he needs that pointing out to him

GingerJulep · 27/12/2012 19:34

My mother had to contend with her MIL (different beliefs) telling us all sorts of things when we were small. Fortunately my Dad always backed my Mum up so it was never really an issue.

In your situation I'd think about

why your MIL has unsupervised access (this sounds regular, is she CM for you?)
what harm you think it is doing (confusing the kids? making them feel bad about celebrations?)
having a chat with your husband about it... calmly if you can.

Explain to him that your beliefs are as important to you as hers are to your MIL and that these are both your children. Try to focus on this one issue (unless it can be avoided by changing arrangements) and not have it expand into a MIL/DIL don't like each other thing.

Good luck!

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