After DDs school Christmas dinner saga I'm thinking of changing my parenting style.

[LynetteScavo]

So I sent DS2 in to school with the form and money for them both to have Christmas dinner today. DS wanted turkey, DD wanted quorn, as she has recently decided she is vegetarian.

I have written a separate letter to DD's teacher explaining DD chooses not to eat meat, but is happy to eat fish and can the school please be aware of this.

So, yesterday I collected DD from school, and was called over by the teacher to "have a word" (The one day of they year DD doesn't go to after school club, and I'm the parent who is called over!) The teacher explained DD had been sent to the head because for shouting at the teacher. Apparently DD had been told to bring in sandwiches today, as her name wasn't on the list for school dinners. DD calmly explained that DS2 had taken in the money and form, and she was having Christmas school dinner. The teacher said she wasn't, DD said she was, the teacher said she wasn't and needed to bring sandwiches, DD shouted; "Mrs X will you please listen to me, I am having a Christmas dinner!"

DD was then taken to the head (she started crying) - the head dealt with the situation by asking her why she was crying, asking if the school secretary if DD was on the list for Christmas diners (which she was) reassured DD and calmed her down.

When the teacher explained to me DD had shouted, I did appropriate face and said to DD "That's not how we behave ", and I mentioned to the teacher that DD would be having the quorn option (I actually said it twice and joked that I didn't want her shouting about that). DH and I talked to DD that evening about how to handle situations calmly.

So today, DD was served turkey, not quorn. DD said she told the kitchen staff who served it she was vegetarian, but they didn't notice her. I told her she should have made a fuss to get the right meal.

DS1,(13) who is the child I've always had to coach to walk away and stay calm (we did anger management when he was in Y4) was and tells me this is "no advice to give to a 7yo".

So is it time to change my parenting style, or do I continue with the "keep your head down and walk away" advice.

DD was assertive before she shouted. The only other thing she could have done was check with the office herself, which I think would be a bit much to expect of a 7yo.

I'm a bit confused - what bit of your parenting style are you concerned about? (I can't tell whether you think DD should be making a fuss or not)

I don't see how she (or you) could have done any more or handled it any better. I think it's strange that they didn't check at the office surely lots of people would reply through one child.

How on earth did she get served turkey when you had to,d them in two different ways?

My girls go to a huge school (seven classes in dd1's year group) and this sort of administrative cock up happens more often than it should. I always send money etc to my oldest child's teacher as I know my youngest is more capable of explaining things and standing up for herself.

I've always taught my children to be polite, speak quietly, explain themselves assertively, never shout, hit, or fight.

Now I'm thinking shouting at people to get your point across is the way to go.

There was another incident recently where a child had repeatedly kicked DD under the table. DD had asked the child not to, but after a few days of being kicked decided to kick the child back very hard.

DD was sent into the other class to work.

The next day she came home saying "It was worth being sent into the other class. I wasn't kicked today."

So do I go with my 13 yo and tell her to stay calm, or go with DH and tell her to shout if she isn't listened to?

She needs to stay calm but be more assertive - if she shouts she is being rude and will get in trouble. What do you mean when you say they couldn't hear her when she said she wanted quorn? Surely simply standing her ground saying something like "excuse me, I am veggie and want quorn please" would have been heard?

Yes, she needs to be more assertive. She is normally quite quiet, and gets really anxious about things and I have to spend the evening placating her. This shouting seemed to get what she wanted though.

I can easily see how busy lunchtime ladies would have not noticed her saying "I'm vegetarian" once, before moving along to get her ice cream.

I need to teach her to be more assertive but polite, which is the hard bit.

I personally think the school is at fault. If the teacher had listened then she wouldn't of had to of shouted. Also - if your child was a vegetarian for religious reasons would they of taken her more seriously then?