Co-sleeping/clingy baby misery

[alisunshine29]

My baby is almost 7 months and I adore her, DD1 is 5 and OH works away. DD2 is EBF and attached to me literally about 23 hours a day, maybe more. I can't have a shower without her crying the entire time, everything else I do one handed. She'll go in her Jumperoo for 5 mins at best, she'll play with toys but only with me right there. I thought it'd get better once she could sit unaided, but it hasn't. She cries with anyone but me. I am desperate to spend some time with DD1/OH but it's impossible. If OH is home, I still do everything for the kids as otherwise DD2 screams the house down making DD1 feel guilty for spending time with me. Once DD1 is in bed, DD2 will only sleep on me so OH and I feel nervous to talk/have TV too loud in case we wake her. It's ridiculous. We long to be able to cuddle/have sex but the longest DD2 will go down for before realising I'm not there is 10 mins. I co-slept with DD1 and loved it but DD2 wants to feed literally all night, I cannot move without her stirring and latching on again. In the day she'll only sleep on me or if walking in carrier/pushchair - the second I stop she wakes. I just want to be able to have time with DD1/OH, have a bath, read, just have a wee bit of time away from DD2 without her being utterly miserable. If DD2 would just sleep for a few hours alone so I could have time with DD1/OH/myself I'd be immeasurably happier, as would DD1, OH and no doubt DD2 as she'd be better rested. Any advice? I don't agree with controlled crying, for the record but any other ideas would be great.

No advice. But you have my sympathies. I'm struggling with a clingy baby too so would benefit from some advice as well.

I wonder whether it would be possible for you to leave DD2 with your OH for a weekend, whilst you go away with DD1? You would get to have quality time with DD1 whilst DD2 gets used to being cared for without you being there 24/7. Of course this would depend on your DD2 being happy to take a bottle of expressed bm?

I think sometimes babies cry when someone else takes them because they know you are there as well. Often they settle down well with other carers a little while after you've gone. Once she gets used to being cared for by your OH without you being there, she might be happier to be held by him in the evenings.

I also find that my baby is happier to be put down to play (or put in a bouncy chair) right after being fed and when he is definitely not tired.

Hang in there as you sound like you are doing brilliantly to cope with a demanding baby.

I've seen this with my friend our children are now 2. She started by leaving her dd with her dh and some toys. She would go out of sight. Every time her baby cried she would go bk in and join the play, once quiet she would leave again and repeat. It's knowing you'll always come bk that's important. At a year she went into nursery 2 mornings a week. She's so confident now there's no problems at all.

How long has this gone on? I have seen some horrendous separation anxiety like this when the baby was around 8 months but it did pass. The dd is 3 now and quite independent
If she is feeding all night is she that hungry? What's her solid intake like?
Dc1 sleep patterns changed considerably when weaning was fully established. Hang in there

I don't know if this helps, as I don't have much advice, but I could have written your post when my dd was the same age. Some days I just cried at the relentlessness of it - and I didn't have another child to care for at the same time! She screamed the minute I was separated from her - seeing me wasn't enough, she had to be touching me (or preferably atrached to a nipple...!). I went with it as I didn't know what else to do and her need for me was overwhelming - we co slept and bf on demand, and I took her everywhere in a sling (she hated the pushchair). Dp found it really hard as she wanted nothing to do with him.

Anyway, what I'm getting to is that the separation anxiety was worst at around 9 months, and very gradually tailed off. She actually stopped feeding to sleep at about 11mo and started being able to go to sleep in her cot at the same age - nothing we did, just happened. Now at 21 mo she is a very affectionate, gentle and lovely-natured girl (though what I'd describe as sensitive) - and I can happily leave her with dp or even her grandparents for a few hours. She loves playing with her dad, and at toddler groups she will run off to play with things without me quite happily (though she likes to know where I am and often checks I'm still there). She is still breastfed and still wakes up a couple of times a night, but things are so much better than I would ever have imagined. Have you read any dr sears? His 'fussy baby book' really helped me, I found it in the library.

And sympathies - remembering dd as a baby can still make me shudder (though no-one believes me now as she is such a delightful toddler :-) )

it will get better.
I promise
it is utterly draining, I know. will try to add more when on computer later - presently trying to transfer baby asleep on my lap into sidecar cot so that I can escape downstairs.

You have my sympathy as this would drive me round the bend!!

Does she have much of a bedtime routine? For me this would be a priority so at least you can have some time in the evenings to yourself and spend with your oh.

I know you said you're not keen on cc but I wonder about putting her down, once she is fed, sleepy and comfy and just sitting next to her shushing and patting until she sleeps. I think she would probably be better off in a cot but obv that would be up to you!!!

This will pass but its not a bad thing to learn to settle themselves and that even when you leave them - you come back!!

My DS was like this and it turned out to be tongue tie and upper lip tie, has she been checked for these? Even if she has you may want the tongue tie checking again as it can be easy to miss. If you google milk matters tongue tie, some good information should come up.

Actually while you are googling try Kellymom Separation anxiety and also askdrsears 12 alternatives for the all night nurser. The last one should really help.

Haven't read the whole thread but would really advise against leaving her for the weekend not least because of the mastitis risk. Have seen other posters who have done this and it always ends in tears for everyone.

You might also want to post in the breast and bottle section as you may get a few more replies

While you are on askdrsears have a look at 31 ways to get your baby to sleep and stay asleep.

You have my sympathies though, at least DS was my first.

My DS was like this- it is so hard, and relentless as DIYqueen said. It got better once he was properly mobile, and has continued to get easier- he's 15 months old now and i can finally say that he is a joy (sleep is still, um, challenging, but nothing like what it was!)

DS had reflux and was intolerant to cows milk- when he was 5 months we realised that the traces of cows milk protein in my breastmilk weren't doing him any good at all, and was probably causing his reflux and gut problems.

The GP told me that breastmilk acts like a mild antacid and soothes the throat from the pain caused by acid reflux, and that was the reason for the non-stop feeding. There is a non-vomity form of reflux- might be something to keep in the back of your mind if your DD has any related symptoms?

I would merrily have bludgeoned to death the (numerous) people who suggested a bedtime routine and "just putting him in his cot" as the solution to all our woes. Yeah, like I've survived this many months of non-sleeping un-put-down-able baby and it hasn't occurred to me to try a bedtime routine? Things aren't that simple. I carried on co-sleeping till a couple of months ago, it was the only way to survive! ( and anyway, co-sleeping is lovely and I wouldn't have missed it for the world) Babies with reflux will be in terrible pain when lying flat - so you could sing, pat, shush, do controlled crying, whatever- they will not sleep flat in a cot! Really, there is nothing you can do to magically make them sleep.

I think you are doing an amazing job - I was on my knees with just one, and with lots of help from DP.

Totally agree, we tried cc with DS when he was older and it was a miserable failure, and yes, we did it by the book.

Is she ok? Overtired or refluxy? Could be silent reflux? Have you ruled out a medical cause? Ears?

Hi, OP here - only just got a chance to come back. There are definitely no medical issues, she's perfectly happy - just only when attached to me :) She won't take expressed breastmilk. Tried leaving her with OH's mum once thinking she might be ok once I was out of sight - she was just hysterical and Grandma called me to come back saying she'd had 6 kids herself but never seen a baby so inconsolable and that was at 4 months so not a particularly prone to seperation anxiety age. Whoever said about shushing her in a cot at night - she screams at the top of her lungs, shushing would do nothing but the screaming would wake DD1. DD2 does have a bedtime routine - she plays while DD1 and I do homework after tea, they have a bath together, stories together then DD1 goes to bed but it has now gotten to the point where if I put DD2 asleep in bed then she'll be screaming in ten mins or less. When she was younger I sometimes got 45 mins which felt like an age! So it's getting worse. Piemother - she's been the same since birth. We're BLW so not much going in at the moment. She doesn't feed all night, more uses me as a dummy! I am just at a loss as to what to do other than accept it and hope it'll change as she gets older. Any more immediate advice would be welcome though...it's heartbreaking to hear my 5 year old tell me she misses me even though she sees me everyday :(

How do you know there's nothing wrong? Constant feeding could be for comfort if she's in discomfort.

Wow this literally sounds like I posted this post! Although my 1st baby is 2. My 2nd baby is nearly 7 months and so clingy. He's been sleeping on me for 5 months and won't go in his cot for any longer than 10 mins 😭 so exhausted. Apparently this post was over a year ago..... Please tell me it got better for you as I didn't have this with my 1st. She slept through the night from 3 months in her own room!

I see this post was a few years ago but i have just read my life right here. 1st baby, now almost 8 months but its relentless and exhausting. Being in lockdown with him has driven me to the edge of my sanity some days. I would also like to know how and when this got better please!