Is it right to dis-own my son

[vicadele]

It has to be the hardest thing to do.
My son is 34. He has lead me a life of stress and worry since starting school.
I have two other childen A son 38 and a daughter 26. They have the skills to live life to the full.

So to my 34 year old. After years of his drug and alcohol abuse. Will not work. Has two children but unable to support them.
Last year he was very successful in coming off heroin and methadone. He has never been able to keep a roof over his head. He has been thrown out of doxens of homes, bedsits and family homes. He will not pay his way.

I am painting the picture to some of his background before I give the final straw that has brought me to this site.

This year I set him up in his own flat as support to give him a chance now that he had come off the drugs. I gave him all of the contents of my home as I was leaving the country. This was to-fold so that he had a nice safe home to have his children to stay with him.

6 weeks ago everything fell apart when he had his children for several weeks. This was not a good thing as he did not have the money to support them and they were not in school during this time. As I do not live in the counrty I was not aware of this.
I managed to make contact with their maternal Grandmother and she contacted the school which in turn lead to the childrens' mother having to take them back home.

The children gave me a dialogue of what had been going on from syringes on the floor to being picked up by the police when my son took them our begging for money in the streets and shop lifting. Oh and one of his mates overdosing on heroine and him saving his mates life. long with taking all sorts of items I had given him to cash converters. A All in front of his children. 12 yrs and 8 yrs.

Hang on in there I am getting to the last part of my 34 years story.

Two weeks ago the estate agent contacted me as I am guarantor for the flat after paying the deposit and months rent. She told me that a lad had been stabbed in my son's flat. Again he saved his life but the police arrested him as part of investigations. I am told that a man broke the door down to get in.

So he has by now sold almost everything I had given him and said he did not feel safe in the flat and would move out. The agent told me that the landlord wanted him out and that if he goes straight away I will only lose my deposit and would not have to pay for the carpets (covered in blood) I do still have to pay for the rent arreas of two hundred ponds. There is a reason I am being so specific here.

I can not contact him so Im left with the worry of where he is.

I had to pass a message to him telling him he can not go to stay with any family as they cant help him anymore having children and the drug problems he has.
He tells me he is not back on herion but his behavior tells me he is.
On Monday I was sent a Face Book message from him telling me he has had to move into an empty garage. He told me he does have a female friend that will let him stay at her house for Xmas, (he knows this will pull at my heart strings) But she wants one hundred pounds

I have told him that if he messes up again I would not give him anymore money. I did secure accommodation for him with some friends that said they are willing to help him. The next day he asked me on FB for the money. iI told him no so he tole me he tried to kill himself last week but could not get it right. He told me we were to have nomore to do with one another and he is going to kill himself next payday. There how about that?

I have had to block him on my FB as he has the control when he decides to contact me but I have not way to contact him.

Here is where I need advice. Everyone is telling me he is not a child and I have to cut him off. Are they are right? But how on earth do I do it? What if he does kill himslef and I could have prevented it by giving him the money?

I feel guilty to have my own life. His natural father cut him off many years ago.

Sadly, I think you must cut ties.

He's going the right way to kill himself with or without your help.
I'm so sorry, some people just can't beat their demons.

What do your other children say?

How do they feel about you helping him before?

Poor you. It is so hard to walk away but you might have to. In helping him you can be enabling him.

No one should ever threaten their life or hold it to ransome. If he did something stupid it would not be your fault. Can you get in touch with some support groups for relatives of addicts?

Much love and sympathy

Wow, you have tried so very hard, I think many people would of given up long ago. What do his siblings think?

I think you absolutely need to stop financially supporting him, but cutting all ties, I don't know

You sound like an amazing mum by the way

Thank you Greythorne.
I am going to give it a good go. Every so often I feel tempted to just give him the money for my own peace of mind. This is what I have done in the past. So hard right on Christmas too.

Thank you
My other children have helped him so many times. I have promiced them I will not help him again

I lived with an addict for 16 years, ime. they lie constantly to feed their habit, they steal to feed their habit, they say they will kill themselves to gain attention to get money, to feed their habit. He needs outside help.

Sorry you are going through this.

Thank you LaVitaBellissima. I know I have to use the tough love but it is breaking my heart.

Thank you SenoritaViva.
I have taken im in the passed to groups, mental health professionals. He wont attend the oppointments. As he is an adult they can't share information with me.
I have tried this several times. I pick him up. feed him up and work out a plan to help him. He is humble and says he will do it but as soon as he feels better off he goes again and hurts us all

Thank you everyone. Just reading your comments has helped me so much. I think my family are very frustrated with me and have been telling me to cut him off for years. I must sound so pathetic. I feel his pain.

Not sure he feels mine.

vicadele It must be heart-breaking, I know what my inlaws go through, they never know what to do for the best, if they give him money for something he states he needs, he would spend it in heroin, perhaps you could, not cut ties completely but advise him, no more money, should he ask for something specifically and you wish to help you could pay the person/company direct.

My ex neighbours son was aso an addict she kept allowing him back home and he kept abusing her trust, she hasn't cut him off, she did ask him to leave and now has minimal contact.

All drug users of any kind need to make the decision to stop themselves. Is he not interested in going onto a Methadone reduction programme?

He is an addict, and he will say anything to get you to give him money. Including telling you that his "friend" wants £100 to have him there for Christmas. If you send this money it will be spent on heroin, as will any other money he comes across.

Addicts are selfish - he was not able to put his children first, instead he brought them into a horrifically dangerous environment, where used needles and other addicts were present (along with any diseases they may have - Hepatitis, HIV....) and he used them to help him obtain money for drugs. He took them out of school to do this. I can guarantee you he is using again, and using as much as he can.

The only person who can stop him is himself. By sending him ANY money you would be helping him buy drugs. That is what he would spend your money on. Be under no illusion.

I appreciate that it is incredibly difficult - but he is an addict and addicts lie to everyone about everything - including to themselves. They are incredibly skilled manipulators who will say ANYTHING to get the money for drugs. In the grip of addiction they don't care about anyone else, in your son's case this included his own children who he put at significant risk.

You can't make him better, you can't make him change. You can choose not to enable him to buy drugs by not believing his lies and not sending him any money.

It must be really hard to want to help him, but money won't do that. It may help to tell yourself that if you do send him money you are actually helping him to harm himself. You would be helping him by NOT sending him the money. He won't understand now, but it is the right thing to do.

Tough love can be so painful - but what he wants (money for drugs) and what he needs (no drugs - so no money) are two different things. Give him what he needs - and don't send him any money.

So sorry you've been through this terrible heartache for so long. I agree with the others - don't send money, you know it will just be a drop in the ocean. Just tell him - no more money, you don't want to hear his emotional blackmail. If he ever wants a fresh start then you'll be there to support him emotionally but until that time you don't want to be involved with him. Tell him you only want to hear from him if he's clean and in a programme. He can always go to a hospital or GP and get the details.
I'm so sorry for this. It must be dreadful watching your child hurt themselves and everyone around them and being unable to stop them doing it. Just know that you tried everything you could.

I couldn't cut ties. I just couldn't.

i would stop giving money. I would stop bailing him out. I would make damned sure that he wasn't left in charge of his children again! All that sort of stuff.

But I couldn't stop having my child in my life. He sounds like a total screw up. One of those people who are on self destruct and won't or can't stop until they've totally destroyed themselves. And you're right, you can't stop that. But there's a middle ground between removing him from your life and enabling him.

How terrible for you vicadele. I'm so sorry that you're in this situation.

I really don't know what I would do. I'm sure that I would desperately want to maintain some kind of contact - but would even the most minimal form of contact then encourage him to believe that he could still manipulate you into giving him cash?

I don't know - perhaps if you did cut all ties and he really had no other options he might be a tiny step nearer to asking for the help he needs.

Of course you feel his pain - you are his mother. You are in the hardest position in the world - you must not feel guilty or ashamed of being torn in two by this.

I also have experience of addicts - you need to know that it is not your fault, any of this. You are not going to help him by continuing to support him financially - he simply isn't responsible enough to handle money because the addiction is bigger than him.

Some people say that until an addict hits rock bottom - with no family support - they won't have a motive to change. I don't know - but I do know that only he can decide to change.

Have you contacted groups like this? it really sounds to me like you need independent support - for YOU - counselling to talk you through waht you have been through. You have effectively lost your son you are in a process of grieving for who he is, the child you once had. And all the guilt you are dealing with - and family relationships damaged. If you can afford it I would recommend counselling, but there are lots of groups for families affected by addiction.

www.actiononaddiction.org.uk/Family-Support.aspx

I understand your fear that he may kill himself - but that can't be a reason to support him financially when he is still an addict. You have helped him time and time again - when will it end?

I think only can make the decision - but you must not feel guilty for refusing him - it is not your fault he is in this situation - he took all the support you gave him and was unable to use it to move on.

I really hope you find some real life support from people who have been through this - I think that would be just what you need.

He is lying, any and every heroin adict knows how to commit suicide, you overdose.

I think you have made the right choice.

You have done all you can. He has to be the one that choses to get clean.

OP, your post has made me cry, he sounds like my brother, always getting money from my mum. Please don't cut him off, you will never forgive yourself if he does kill himself, I know, I've watched a close relative go through the same, she cut her daughter off, then she died.
There are support groups out there for you, I've used one in the past, they are amazing and you meet others in the same position. Be strong.

You could give him money, he could spend it on drugs and OD - you won't be responsible if he kills himself - his addictions will.

OP. I'm so sorry you are going through this. My parents are going through similar (although nowhere near as bad) with my DB. He does not feel your pain in fact he knows exactly what to say to manipulate you.

I can understand why you feel like you can't cut ties but you absoloutley must stop supporting him. Over ther years I have seen my dad reduced to tears after he stole the keepsakes his late grandfather and given him for his 21st and left him and sold them for a few measly pound for a spliff.

I have seen him rob them of the possessions they have worked so hard for. I have seen the stress and worry on their faces the way DM holds her breath every time a police car goes past or one of the people he owes money to bang on the door.

They don't sleep with worry and it's so hard to watch them go through this and forgive him time and time again. So please stop supporting him both for your own sanity and that of your other DC's he will only change if he wants to.

For what it's worth, giving him money and keeping in contact are not the same thing. You can continue to care about him without giving him money. Your post implies otherwise.

I honestly think it would be a good idea to talk to someone with professional knowledge - the link above to Addaction might be a good start.

Dear Vicadele, oh my goodness a very old post but a carbon copy of my son and I feel all the pain you have felt. I am at this junction now and would be so eternally grateful to know if you cut your ties and how your son is now. I realise this is a very long short but perhaps another reader has also had a similar situation and could offer some knowledge and advice. With sincere thanks to any kind responses.