2nd dc- follow head or heart?

[k2togm1]

We have one ds who is 21 mo, just beginning to be enjoyable. I had birth trauma and he was a 'high maintenance' baby, still a very HM toddler. Dh doesn't want another one. We both found the first 18 months horrendous, with me being a nightmare and being a nightmare due to the PTSD.
Despite all this my whole body screams to do it all again!! Why?!!! Am I just so at the mercy of my biology that I'd want to go through it all again? Am I mad?
Right now I feel that I would really like another baby
Did you feel similar? What did you decide?

I am daunted by having two. Am currently pregnant with DC2, DS1 is 19mo. He was (and is) fairly low maintenance although we are quite laid back and we also co-slept so maybe that had something to do with it. Anyway, because he's so easy I am fairly certain that DC2 is going to be a nightmare (purely based on irrational fears of course). I don't know.

BUT the big thing I do know is that in the greater scheme of things the baby/toddler years don't last very long. For me (only child) it's very important that DS has a sibling and personally I am excited at the prospect of having two children as part of our family. They're going to grow up to be adults too someday. All of that just makes me more confident that despite any current niggles or difficulties, it will be worth it in the end (and I actually enjoy it currently, too, although that doesn't really take away my fears for the future).

rrreow congratulations, you'll be fine! I know there are plenty of happy only children, why is it so important to you that yours have a sibling (genuine question)
We also cosleep and are relaxed parents, ds is genuinely high maintenance though so those things don't always equate an easy ride
otpie you are right having dh on board is important. We've barely survived my PTSD as a couple, something like that would destroy us. I am 33, don't mind waiting a couple of years, it's just that I am the kind of person who needs to plan...
Actually a biggish gap suits me better I think, just need to convince dh!!

my DH wasn't keen - we didn't have as a bad time with DC1 as sounds like you but still not great - DC1 was well over 2 before we started trying again and in the end had 4 year gap - worked well for us -DC2 is much easier child and its lovely for older one to have silbling - they ingeneral lovel each other and enjoy each other

Actually, forget all I've said, it's 2:50am and I'm up with ds who refuses who sleep
house glad it worked out for you, how did your dh change his mind?
qt wow, good luck with treatment; and you are right, but I am awful at playing my cards right!

At 21 months I could not have even considered a second. Easy pg and fairly easy birth, but DD had reflux, did not sleep, having sorted that out she then got constipation and became like a child possessed, and we are only really getting on top of her bowel issues now she is nearly 3. But I am 14 weeks pg, despite having said never again, and it feels right. The thing is, she is at preschool two mornings and this will increase once she gets funding at Easter, her health issues are no longer ruling our lives and actually I think a sibling will help as she loves other children and is very sociable. DH was also hesitant but as I am now 35 we felt it was decision time, not wanting to leave it too late really. Because I was at home with her most of the time now I am only working weekends, it was hard. Most of the people I know who have two fairly close seem to work more and so have more outside childcare, which does make a difference I think.

You don't need to decide now. You don't need to feel that you must have another, solo children have many advantages that siblings don't, and vice versa. Things do change as they get older, but if you feel that you do want another then say so, but make it clear that doesn't mean right now if your DH is against it. Put the idea out there, then it won't come as a shock, and let it be for a few months. Good luck whatever you decide!

At this age with DD I probably was vaguely thinking about whether or not I might want one, rather than thinking I did want one, and in fact felt that I might even feel ok with one child. I was certainly not in a position to make any hard and fast decisions either way. If DH had wanted another one at that point I would have been against the idea then.

But, it was not very long after that my feelings changed, and I started to feel I wanted another child at about 26 months onwards, and DH and I spoke about it seriously at around that point, made a decision to wait until after christmas and see how we felt, as we were both thinking it might be a good idea. By the January, when DD was 2yrs 6 months we were ready and excited about the prospect of having a second child, and fell pregnant pretty much as soon as I had the implant removed! DD was 3yrs and 5 months when DS was born, and the age gap was perfect for us.

So, if you are feeling ready, and your DH isn't, there is plenty plenty of time to wait and see how you feel, and to enjoy your first born now things are a little calmer and revisit the conversation with DH from time to time to see how his views might or might not have changed. And you may in that time feel differently to how you do now as well and come to feel one is enough for you. No decisions are set in stone now.

and I don't necessarily think men need 'convincing'. They need to be 'ready'. DH was not ready when we first had the conversation about a second child, and nor was I really, but the thoughts had started to enter my head. He did not want to make a decision. But it was mentioned from time to time by one or other of us, not always me, and when the final decision was made, it was DH who stated first that he felt that yes he was ready to try for another baby and that it was the best decision for our family. There was no having to 'convince' him.

Think of it from the child's point of view - what's the world going to be like as he/she grows up?

I went with heart.

Head said don't be mad, ds didnt sleep through consistently until 18 months but blips until 2, with blips now. Ds had reflux and was a struggle. He himself was a lively lovely chap otherwise though.

Dd arrived and was a worse sleeper. I regretted it every night at 3am for the first few months. Now after a year, she's still a dreadful sleeper and it was awful until 6 months, but god do I love her and don't regret it for a second.

snowflakepie congratulations, and good that it feels right! yes actually I feel ready but I ready, it would be bad timing for work and actually don' want a small gap.
We do need to talk about it though, and the problem is that just this summer i felt very against the idea of having more and spoke about it, so i am not sure why and how I've changed my mind so drastically. What i need really is a good . I know of the benefits of having one only, and both dh and I have not good relationships with our siblings. Dh is very logical, and will need to know that my motives are sound, rather than just a 'feeling' iyswim.
Pavlovthecat I agree about the 'convinving'. It just seems to me that other women somehow manage to 'train' their partners. DH doesnt even know what that phrase means and doesn't understand when other men use it. Also, we've had such a hard time this past two years I seriously doubt he'll be up for do it all again, even if hopefully without the serious mental illness!
Iggly, glad you are happy with your decition. I wonder though if anyone would not be happy in the end? would anyone really regret having a child? surely, even if it is just a survival mechanism you'd have to love them so you can do all the work they require you to do? Don't mean this directly at you of course, just thinking...

Oops, mayor italics fail
*doing

I know exactly what you mean about needing to plan. DD is 2.3 and I don't know if we want another or not. I normally like to have a plan for big things mapped out, but in this case the best plan I can come up with is that we will make a decision in 6 months time. At that point we can say "yes", "no" or "defer the decision again". The helps me not to spend too long thinking about it.

Rreow I second questioning the 'laid back co sleeping' thing wrt to having an easy child. Everyone who has an easy first child thinks that it is down to their parenting. It's not always the case y'know, children are different, and some are a lot harder. Regardless of what you do.

OP I went with my heart. Or we went with our hearts I guess but with A LOT of trepidation. And I'm really, really glad we did. No more now though, my head and heart are in agreement there!

Ps rreow that still doesn't mean you're due a nightmare baby! Wishing you a lovely sleepy calm one. And you're right, the teeny years don't last long it just feels like it

isaw they certainly feel like it, specially again at 5 am, up since 2.30 watching trains and diggers on YouTube...

breathslowly I think I'll need to do that, just need to communicate with dh my change of heart.

What swung it for me was taking part in a Relay for Life event. My husband and I had been umming and aahing about having a second and after taking part in an event which celebrated quite how fragile life could be, I went home and said 'let's do it'. And we did, and now have a wonderful DS2. If you want another child, just do it. You'll be fine :)

No what I meant was that stuff was made easy by co-sleeping (but my DS is definitely low maintenance as part of his character as a separate thing), not that co-sleeping necessarily made him have a laid back personality (I see how my post could've read that way). I think a lot of people have a certain idea what parenting should be like (i.e. no co-sleeping, 'he should be sleeping through by now' etc) which then makes certain things infinitely harder simply because of expectations.

Trying to get my DS to sleep in his own crib initially was a total no go, but if we'd tried to persist we probably would've gone crazy and thought 'wow he is being so difficult'. When I think being baby-led and being easy on yourself (i.e. go with the flow) can just make dealing with stuff more easy, because you're not fighting what is and making yourself feel bad about 'what should be'. It's more like: modifying your attitude in order to deal with your baby's personal needs, rather than parenting changing your child's personality. Hope that makes it more clear what I meant.