Coping with wildly differing parenting styles

[freddiefrog]

Our DDs are 11 and 7 and DH and I are really different when it comes to parenting styles

I'm really laid back, pick my battles, rarely get stressed and have made a huge effort to be all zen and not shout. I'm more huggy and I mess about with them more

DH is strict, can be quite shouty, can be a bit uptight about stuff and stresses over things that don't bother me and then gets upset if I don't agree with him

We're mostly on the same page with behaviour, manners, etc and we really try to present a united front, but some things that bother DH don't really bother me and I struggle to get het up about it. Sometimes I really don't agree with him and I feel like I need to back up my daughter - I do try to take it away from them and have a quiet word but he seems to take it personally

Our biggest problem is DH's reaction to DD1, they clash terribly and as Dd is getting older, the worse it's getting. DD1 is getting more opinionated, has likes and dislikes, wants more independence, and I'm mostly quite happy to go along with that

DD1's bedroom is quite messy, but as far as I'm concerned, it's her room and as long as she puts dirty laundry in the basket and changes her bed when I give her clean sheets and I can see enough carpet to Hoover once a week, I don't really care, whereas DH is very strict on tidy rooms. If she wants to do weird stuff to her hair, it's her hair, if she wants to paint her nails green, they're her nails - as long as its all removed before school, then she can knock herself out.

They enjoy a Sunday morning Disney channel fest, I'm happy let them have breakfast on the sofa and slob out in their onesies for a while - DH wants them up, dressed, eating at the table. DH likes organised activities, I let them chill and do whatever - anything crafty ends up in a row as he likes it all perfect, I don't care if we're knee deep in glitter. A massive row broke out over the Scalextric last weekend, I just let them work it out for themselves - if the way they set the track up doesn't work, then so what? nobody died. DH has to interfere and make sure the track is set up perfectly. DH just isn't any good at just slobbing out with them and going with the flow

So, how do you deal with such a massive different of opinion?

What about agreeing on alternate weekends, a structured Saturday then slobby Sunday one week, the reverse the next? Dressed for breakfast, planned out one day, and the day after a relaxing, PJ morning, impromptu outings, so forth?

If the DCs restrict mess to their own rooms, and then keep their rooms reasonably clean if not tidy, your DH can relax and feel at ease in the rest of the house.

I agree that the older your DDs get, the more they'll push against parents and if your DH is too unyielding, they'll just be butting heads. 'Befriending' DCs can also be a risky strategy, they need to appreciate who's the adult, without you becoming an unsympathetic disciplinarian.

At 7 and 11 they'll already have twigged that you as individuals first, parents second, happen to be wired differently. It's good that you've agreed to present a united front with regard to manners, helpfulness etc. It's not a bad comparison with the outside world is it - we don't all like the same, but have to get along.

..as Dd is getting older, the worse it's getting. DD1 is getting more opinionated, has likes and dislikes In other words as strong minded as your DH! Perhaps they are not so very dissimilar. If you ask everyone to bear in mind the need to respect the other's viewpoint, even if it's at odds with what they believe - I think you can work towards certain compromises.

My DH and I are different too...our DDs are 8 and 4....I'm like you. Very laid back,,,he has gotten better through communication. He acknowledges that he sweats the small stuff too much.

I've kept reiterating that in the grand scheme of things, it really doesn't matter about little things.

I think your DH needs to be willing to accept that some things dont matter and equally, you need to accept that perhaps other things might need more structure...it's a balancing act isn't it?

Thanks!

It's definately a balancing act, and one I don't think we've got quite right just yet.

I sometimes wonder if I'm missing a gene as half the stuff he gets cross about, I genuinely can't see his point. My Mum was very strict so I think I'm rebelling.

I think our main problem is that we get the kids to do what we want in different ways, and the kids react to us differently. DD1 is definately as strong minded as DH and it always tends to end badly.

Take this morning for example, I had to be up and out early so DH was in charge of the school run.

I tend to get up a little earlier so I can shower, get dressed and have coffee, then make packed lunches, get out clothes, lay breakfast table, etc before the chaos starts. We have a fairly peaceful start to the day, I don't get stressed, some gentle chivvying and we're out the door without any bloodshed or shouting with time for 10 minutes of CBBC.

DH just gets cross, DD2 gets her tights in a muddle, DD1 gets lippy, they clash then WW3 breaks out. And for some reason, DH always tries to insist DD1 should wear a skirt to school - she hates skirts, always wears uniform trousers, he knows this, but it's another one of those pick your battle things

I try to go down the middle iyswim. They know I mean business, they know the 'mum look' but at the same time they know I don't mind making a mess or being silly with them, where DH is more authoritarian and I feel like I'm undermining him

I think we'll have to sit down and work out what really matters and how we go about enforcing it.

It sounds a bit like he's a little . . . I hate to use the word because its used on here so much . . . but . . . controlling! Particularly the skirt thing.

What does it matter! My dh used to be a bit like that, in that he would want the kids to do what he said just because he said it than for any other reason. I just kept chatting to him about it and pointing it out and he soon realised. But it doesn't sound like your dh has.

Perhaps tell him to imagine being a child who isn't allowed to make any choices for themselves, not even which choice of uniform to put on their own body!

Its interesting that the partner you have chosen is a similar parent to your own mum. Perhaps explain the effect it had on you?

I do think its a fine line and about balance. My own mum had a domineering mum and then herself became very laid back with me because she didn't want to be like that. In wasn't always for the best though because she went to extremes and never wanted to "tell us" anything, including things we needed to be told like how and when to wash etc. So we got bullied for being smelly. There can be that sort of downside to being a laid back parent. Only you know if its that extreme though.

The problem with you and DH disagreeing is that it's making it all terribly personal and turning it into a battle between you and him.

My own mum also had a very domineering mum and ended up in almost exactly this situation. My dad expected automatic respect because he was my dad and it drove him mad that I didn't do everything he said and didn't automatically respect him. He scared the heck out of me, but that didn't stop me being rebellious and defiant because, well, that's what kids do.

Personally, I think it's worth sitting down with DH and talking about why these things bother him. Does he have a specific objection to, say, messy bedrooms or hairdye, or is he being rattled by the fact that she isn't accepting his authority? What expectations do you both have, and why? Do they come from childhood? How was he raised?

I would differentiate between house rules, and things dad just doesn't like. And introduce some calm methods of discipline so that, instead of shouting, DH says: okay, you've lost X amount of your pocket money because you did Y, and then calmly walks away.

I would definitely stomp on DH trying to tell her to wear a skirt. That is a very personal choice and dd has ALL the rights when it comes to that. End of.

freddie - I agree with jessjess - rather than trying to work out who is 'right' - I think you would benefit from really talking and actually hearing/ listening to each other.

sit down and make quiet time to talk - not at a moment in the heat of an argument, but when you are both feeling calm and tell him you want to hear his views and understand where he is coming from. Just as your views are built on deep beliefs - ie. that children are better being free, something which is a reaction to your own upbringing, his are presumably built on deep beliefs too.

Maybe you could make a list of situations which tend to cause tension and talk through them, taking turns to say how they make you FEEL (I emphasise that, because it's important that you both understand that there are deeper issues at stake than the particular scenario - ie. why is it important to him that they eat at a table, what does that represent to him?)

If he feels you are listening to him properly, then you may be able to get across your own concerns - that he is building up bad feeling over things that are not important. But in return, perhaps you can come some way towards him - if he really, really cares about sitting at the table for meals, maybe that is something you could go along with - if he in his turn relaxes on other issues.

If you really talk, you may find out that his anger represents feelings that come from somewhere very deep and mean something much more important to him...and I'm sure he will udnerstand your position better too if you talk properly about it.

Thanks all!

I'll be back to reply later, just didn want anyone to think I was ignoring them!

www.amazon.co.uk/Nonviolent-Communication-Language-Marshall-Rosenberg/dp/1892005034

this is a great book...

I think that your dh really needs to think about why he wants the kids to do everything his way, is it because he has a good reason each time or because he just wants to be obeyed? I think he should think about that each and every time. He won't get anywhere without examining his own motives.