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Parenting

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Original poster

Should children say if they are good at something?

23 replies

EauDynamisante · 11/04/2006 23:33

Out with mates today. Their 5 year old said his was a brill colourer. His dad told him off for boasting. he said I am allowed to say you are good but you are not..

weird. I was not sure why the little boy was not allowed to say he was good at something. It is boasting apparently!

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ShaysMummy · 11/04/2006 23:40

thats not right for the dad to say that.
cant remember why, but i know its not!

schneebly · 11/04/2006 23:43

i think it is fine - children should all be encouraged in the things they enjoy and excel at. I would never stop ds from saying he was good at his numbers or whatever. It might be different if the child was older and started going on about being good at a whole list of things but self belief and confidence is so important.

PinkTulips · 11/04/2006 23:44

can kind of see where the dad was coming from but not sure he's teaching his child not to brag in the best way. surely you shouldn't put a 5 year old down just for being proud of a skill? i mean if he had said 'i'm better at drawing than x' i'd have pulled him on it beacuse it would make x feel bad but otherwise can't see the harm.

o god, rambling now!

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Gillian76 · 11/04/2006 23:48

I would definitely encourage my children to recognise and say they were good at something.

Original poster

EauDynamisante · 11/04/2006 23:51

Yes, I found it a bit sad. He is such a sweet boy.

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chipmonkey · 12/04/2006 00:35

I remember a friend calling in to see me in work with his ds. He commented that this ds wasn't talking yet and commented "He's useless!" I was because although his ds couldn't talk well ( he was 2 fgs!) I thought he seemed to understand things that were being said.

wannaBe1974 · 12/04/2006 08:39

I think that children should be encouraged as much as possible, and that recognizing the things they're good at is a very good thing. I think that kids should be discouraged from boasting, but imo there's a vast difference between saying that you're good at something, and shouting from the rooftops that you're the greatest, which is what constitues boasting. I remember as a child being told not to say that I was good at something because "you're not that good", and that really people would find it more acceptable if "you say you're rubbish" because "people don't really want to listen to you going on about how good you are". As a result I have very little self esteem, and genuinely believe that I'm not good at anything, and maybe I'm not, but it's very hard for me to recognize that I can be good at anything. Certainly will never allow that to happen with my child.

Original poster

EauDynamisante · 12/04/2006 08:43

Yes, I wonder what would happen if this little boy had said 'I am a rubbish colourer' I guess then they would have said.'no you are not, look at this wonderful bit' or something.

What is the difference between boasting and just recognising you are good at something.

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TinyGang · 12/04/2006 09:08

Are you in the UK Eau? Just assuming you are - it just seems a very British thing to go out of your way not to blow your own trumpet as it were.

I'm generalising horribly here I know, but I have noticed people from say America seem much more at ease and confident about saying 'Hey I'm damn good at this or that' if they are.

I think it's a bit of a cultural thing here to be terribly modest. Poor little chap though. At 5 seems a shame to pour water on that enthusiasm. He didn't say it unkindly at anyone else's expense.

DominiConnor · 12/04/2006 09:56

Yes, Tinygang it is a British thing.
You may think it's just a coincidence that Britain is bottom of pretty much educational league table, except for maths.
The reason we're not bottom of that list was that the civil servants at the education ministry sent the wrong number of samples. Yes, really.

It could be coincidence, yep.

I think there is a big difference between a child saying "I am good at X", and saying to someone "You are rubbish at X".

I acceptthere is a level of boasting which is impolite, but I certainly would never stop my kids celebrating their achievements. Not very British I know, but in a country where a good % of kids think Gandalf defeated the Spanish Armada, their parents take hompeapthic "remedies", and over 1/3 believe in Creationism, anything that makes kids think about things other than watching sport is good.

MadamePlatypus · 12/04/2006 13:21

Definitely cultural. My mum (Scottish Presbytarian background) admits that she thinks it is very bad form for people to either "put themselves forward" or "get above themselves". Obviously this is just 'manners' - in reality you KNOW that you are better than anybody else. (Or atleast you are supposed to know - I'm not sure that I quite understood this as a child). On the other hand, DH's family (South Wales) talk openly about pay rises, how well they or their relatives are doing academically or at work in a way that initially shocked me. I think there is a middle way, but even my mum would think it was OK for a 5 year old to say they were a "brill colourer"!

kate100 · 12/04/2006 13:30

This made me feel very sad, I love it when children take pride in their achievements, as a teacher I heard 'I can't do it' too often. I always tell my kids how great they are at stuff and they believe that they are too. Admittedly I think DS1 (2.8) was going a bit far when he told a lady in Sainsbury's today 'I'm gorgeous, Mommy says so'

MamaG · 12/04/2006 13:34

I agree with kate100, I always encourage my kids to take pride in their achievements - although, I too had an embarrassing moment.

DD just had her hair cut, in a chin length layered bob, from being below her shoulders. When I said how nice she looked, she said "its good to have short hair when you've got such a pretty face, so people can see it"

Bless her - well, I do constantly tell her she's beautiful!

TinyGang · 12/04/2006 14:40

Lol! That's so sweet MamaG.

Reminds me of my little dd. I'm always telling her she's gorgeous. Dh said to her recently 'You are gorgeous' 'Yes, I know' she said.

sunchowder · 12/04/2006 14:48

This thread is so interesting to me also. I am American and married to a Brit. We struggle with our children with exactly this balance. My DH is almost "flat" in his acknowledgement of their skills and it has taken 12 years of marriage for him to lighten up and pour on the compliments to find the balance between the way that he was raised and the crass American ways (if you know what I mean). I hope we have struck a balance. My DD is almost 12 and sometimes it sounds as if she is boasting (to me) -- but then I have to stop myself and say that it is healthy to feel that way about yourself and hope it doesn't put off her friends.

Celia2 · 12/04/2006 16:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Caligula · 12/04/2006 16:55

What an idiot dad.

Of course kids should say. The upside though, is that the famous self-deprecating humour of the Brits, is bound up with that reluctance to "blow their own trumpet" that they've learned from their Dads from the age of 5.

Donk · 12/04/2006 16:59

DominiCOnnor - as an occassional user of homeopathic products

Why shouldn't I utilise the placebo effect? It can be damn effective!
Try reading the New Scientists Quantum Water article - not evidence that homeopathy works, not by a long chalk, but an intriguing thought about possible mechanisms (amongst other things)

Donk · 12/04/2006 17:01

Idiot father, self praise is an important motivational tool and a very useful skill!
(When used appropriately, obviously)

DominiConnor · 12/04/2006 17:47

Certainly the quote at the start of the thread didn't indicate good parenting. I do however tell 2.0 not to point out too loudly that he's smarter than other kids. That doesn't make you friends.

hellywobs · 13/04/2006 08:38

We are silly in the UK. In the USA there is far more "boasting". It makes us embarrassed and cringe but it shouldn't. Kids with a lot of self-esteem can tip over the edge into arrogance but arrogance is probably still better than constantly worrying about ones capabilities and needing loads of confidence-boosting etc. If you beleive that you can do something you will normally be able to do it and if you fail you'll have the confidence to try something else. In 2004 I was going for a job abd before each interview I sat in the waiting room saying "they want me for the job" hundreds of times. I did get the job (lost it again within the year but hey) I will always tell my ds how wonderful he is and hope that other people (specifically teachers) do not run him down too much.

chipmonkey · 14/04/2006 02:29

I remember my brother at about 20 months announcing very loudly and clearly :
"I can speak better than X!" ( His 3 yr old friend) It was a true statement but my Mum was so embarrassed. It sounded as thought we had all been talking about poor little X behind his back and commenting on his lack of verbal skills. ( Which we hadn't, by the way!)

Airy · 14/04/2006 02:52

I positively encourage dd to boast about her achievements, never at the expense of others of course, but I feel very strongly having been put down a lot as a child and thinking now that I can acomplish much more with my life than I ever thought I could.
I never want my dd to feel like I did as a child, and that dad behaved exactly as my parents did, my mother took it a step further though and when not in company would tell me in no uncertain terms " you are not great at whatever get off your high horse" and knocked it out of me before I reached double figures..only now at almost thirty am I able to recognise my strong point and abilities.
f**k being english and polite, celebrate what your kids can do and encourage them to do the same!!

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