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Parenting

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Original poster

I'm mortified

21 replies

TwistedTinsel · 10/12/2012 22:14

Ds1 hit another child at nursery today and i don't know what the best course of action is. Obviously the nursery dealt with it at the time and i didn't want to make a huge deal out of it two hours later. He's 3.5 so its not unusual behaviour but he wouldn't apologise. No remorse the teacher said. Im terrified im doing something wrong and he's going to end up with loads of issues.

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Original poster

TwistedTinsel · 10/12/2012 22:16

oops i mean not unusual behaviour in general not that he runs around hitting people all the time.

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OddBoots · 10/12/2012 22:18

Unless there is much more to it than is written here please don't worry, it's really not unusual including the lack of remorse.

CheckpointCharlie · 10/12/2012 22:19

Does he have any empathy? Could you talk to him about what would happen if he was hit, how he would feel about it? You could explain that the other child was upset because they didn't understand why he hit them and that it has made them feel very sad and frightened of him?
Could he draw a picture to say sorry?

Kids do hurt eachother but usually do say sorry. Do you k ow who s was or why he hit that particular child?

Original poster

TwistedTinsel · 10/12/2012 22:31

i was surprised because he has a little brother who gets caught up in ds1s general lack of awareness about where his arms and legs are and he always apologises. I think he's ok empathy wise if he's not caught up inbeing a hurricane he notices if others are sad/upset.

He just said the other child was yucky and that could mean anything. I did explain it doesn't matter how yucky he thinks people are it's never ok to hit them.

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steppemum · 10/12/2012 22:33

most 3 year old won't say sorry and have no remorse. It doesn't mean you are doing anythig wrong, but that 3 is a self centred age and they cannot see the world from the other persons point of view and so do not understand the need to say sorry.

He is of an age to begin to learn, and to understand there are consequences but he sounds pretty normal

You are not doing anything wrong.

CheckpointCharlie · 10/12/2012 22:36

Well you have done the right thing asking him about it, and he sounds quite sweet the rest if the time! Just set the expectations about behaviour next time he goes in, 'remember to have kind hands with xxxx today won't you, and if he is yukky then tell your grown up' and you can have a bag of chocolate buttons if you are nice all day
If you see the mum I suppose you could say sorry about DS thumping your dc, but the nursery might not have told hem so that might be awkward?
Don't worry too much!

Original poster

TwistedTinsel · 10/12/2012 22:42

He's just so... well...wild sometimes all the time I need some reassurance that he will be a fairly well adjusted adult that i'm not making a complete arse of this parenting lark. He seemed to get it when i said hitting people made them sad. I don't want to make a huge deal out of it but i don't want a repeat performance either. I know there's a lovely little boy demon in there and i feel sometimes others only see the running, shouting semi feral side of him

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CheckpointCharlie · 10/12/2012 22:44

Ahhh he sounds really sweet! It also doesn't sound like he does it a lot. I think you need to buy a treadmill!
Also you are doing a good job, to be worrying about this proves that you give a shit.
Go and give him a kiss!!!

Original poster

TwistedTinsel · 10/12/2012 22:45

at chocolate button bribery the true currency of parenthood, if i had known their importance i would have taken out share in Cadbury when i got pg. Thank you all for reassuring me that i'm not really rearing a delinquent.

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Hassled · 10/12/2012 22:48

So many 3.5 year olds are semi-feral - please don't stress too much about this. As long as there are always consequences for his actions he will get the message. From what you say, his heart is in the right place - but he's doing the bull-in-a-china-shop thing that boys that age do.

My boys were all bloody awful when they were 4 - and someone told me that's when they get their first proper burst of testosterone. Maybe that's come a bit early? Anyway, having been ready to cry and/or kill them at 4, they were back to being lovely again by 5.

Pyrrah · 10/12/2012 23:24

Mine did this a few months ago... scratched some poor little boy's face. Equally unremorseful - especially since the boy was her arch-enemy/sibling-substitute that she has known for years.

I made her say sorry to him in the playground the next day - and I said sorry to the mother (who wasn't at all worried).

Haven't had any repeat issues.

Original poster

TwistedTinsel · 11/12/2012 08:06

to you all for your replies. It's good to be reminded that its just a phase and that the next bit won't be better just different

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suzyrut · 11/12/2012 09:48

My son went through a horrid biting stage when he was a similar age to yours, so bad that we needed to go into nursery on more than one occasion to discuss it especially as he was a very reluctant apologiser! He's 13 in January and he's a very empathic and sensitive boy now (and he hasn't bitten anyone in ages ).

Sounds like you're doing a great job, the fact that you're concerned about it alone shows that.

lljkk · 11/12/2012 09:58

We adults make more of these events than they are (often). Odds are the other child perfectly understands why your DS hit, and will indulge in the same behaviour himself soon enough. The kids forgive & forget far quicker than us adults.*

*Not saying you don't try to reprimand & correct, just don't let it get to you deeply because it's all part of learning for them.

Original poster

TwistedTinsel · 11/12/2012 14:32

My heart sank when the teacher told me that he had been a bit aggressive again today not quite as bad as yesterday but still. I am thinking that he's a bit over tired after getting up too early and sneaking into the living room to watch cbeebies. It doesn't excuse it but being tired does seem to make him a bit more frayed about the edges. His teacher doesn't think its a major problem just wants to keep me informed in case it becomes one. That's a bit of a relief, i trust her judgement but i'm worried i don't have the skills to stop it getting to that stage.

If anyone had asked me i would have said i'm quite a laid back mum but perhaps i'm lacking in a bit of insight

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CaHoHoHootz · 11/12/2012 14:48

The trouble with trying to get them to sympathise with the DC that he hit is that he may, justifiably, not feel much sympathy towards that DC even if he is generally a sympathetic type of DC. I would explain the wider problems of being seen as aggressive. Tell him that even the DC's he likes may start to be scared of him and that the teacher and other parents won't respect and trust him. Etc etc. (IYSWIM)
Good luck.

ChippingInAWinterWonderland · 11/12/2012 14:54

Was it with the same child? Not trying to excuse your DS, but maybe this other child is being 'yucky' to your DC - some of them - especially those with older siblings - can be quite sly with it.

Also, there's a lot of build up to Christmas it could just be he's tired, excited but not entirely sure what it's all about, bored with the nativity/carols stuff at nursery etc

If nursery aren't too worried yet I'd try to relax about it, try to keep it calm at home, take him for a run around outside and buy a bunny clock. NO getting up till the bunny gets out of bed - or else!

ohforfoxsake · 11/12/2012 14:55

Just to reassure that this is normal and it will pass. I had a biter (good God it was just awful, I felt like the world's worst mother) and he is a reasonably well-adjusted 11 year old now.
The nursery are experienced at this and will handle it. For now I'd say make sure his fuel and energy levels are topped up - hunger and tiredness might trigger it.
Try to remember this is all about learning boundaries, learning to share, dealing with conflict. Its all part of the process, and nothing you have created (or we've all made little monsters out of our angelic toddlers!)

Now repeat after me "and this too shall pass".

Lifeisontheup · 11/12/2012 15:16

My DD was like this, I think she'd take so much pushing from other children without complaint and then snap, and she certainly had a mean left hook!
She's now 20 and coming to the end of her paediatric nursing degree and I can safely say she is one of the gentlest kindest women I know (and yes I know I'm biased ) but the shame of those toddler years. This too shall pass . I do love to remind her that she was the toddler from hell.

houmousandcarrotsandwich · 11/12/2012 21:29

OP you are not alone!
DS is nearly 3 and has become feral! Every time I pick him up from preschool I get told how's he's hit/pushed/snatched & usually unprovoked. I long to collect him one day and get a "he's been really good".
He even got bitten a few weeks back & I thought it might help him understand, but no he still acts like an angry little boy.
It's really starting to wear me down. HV has suggested getting his hearing checked, which I will do, but I don't think there's a problem with his hearing (although he never listens to me, I think that is out of choice!)
I will take comfort from others who have been there & survived. But like you OP, I can't help but blame myself

Original poster

TwistedTinsel · 11/12/2012 22:26

argh Houmous the selective hearing drives me mad how many ways (and times) do i have to ask him to put his jacket on.
I don't know if it was the same child the teacher didn't tell me. It sounded more like he decided he wanted a toy someone else had and was prepared to chase them down for it .

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