Do I need to socialise my 6mo DD? Or is she just a quiet, sensitive type?

[katykuns]

My daughter is very sensitive to her surroundings, gets quite overwhelmed if a lot of noise/movement is going on around her. She can get quite teary. When in quieter social settings she is happiest being left alone to just observe very carefully what everyone does.

I see my family a couple of times a month, and certain members less. When doing the typical 'can I hold her?' and I pass her over, she is noticeably upset and anxious, like they are a threat. Anyways, it wasn't really worrying me, I just put it down to her being a sensitive child, and not really wanting to handled by people other than me and my DP. But my family say this is abnormal, and I should be trying to get her socialised, going out and spending more time with other babies etc.

Strangers have acted funny when she hasn't smiled at them when they have done their best effort... and I just think if I had some brainless person come in my face making silly noises, I would probably just stare at them weirdly too. My DD1 (now 6) had the same kind of upbringing, but was always indiscriminate about who she interacted with... so very different.

DS (2 and a half) is a right showoff.
Wasn't keen on crowds, strangers or loud noises as a baby.

Still isn't keen on noisy crowds, actually.

Can't blame him.

I wouldn't label her as shy/ sensitive either - DS is every easily stimulated and things can overwhelm him - so, for example, a tube station at rush hour would have had him completely bawling - too much motion, too much noise, too much movement and excitement - he overloaded.

He's got much better at coping with it all now, and will show off for strangers/visitors if he feels like it. I wouldn't worry. People are just different!

Ignore then, she's 6 mtgs old and not ready to perform yet, or she is very advanced and knows what she wants.

That's kinda how I feel, people ARE different... and yes it is far too early to decide what personality she is. I feel it is unfair that people take this view that I am not getting her out experiencing new people etc just because she is quiet and likes to observe before interacting. I have noticed a big difference between how comfortable she is to interact with people dependent on the situation... my family tend to be loud and busy, my partner's family is quiet and chilled out. She very quickly appeared to be comfortable around my partner's family.

Both ds1 and ds2 were like this as babies. I remember the Christmas when ds2 was your dd's age he was grizzly and clingy and miserable until everyone went home and then he really perked up!

I remember being a bit mortified that ds1 wouldn't go to anyone and my FIL getting really cross about it.

Even at 3 or 4 they were quite reserved and not so keen on parties.

Now they are both really confident little boys (8 and 6) and will try anything so please don't worry. I do wish in hindsight I'd not stressed about it so much and just reassured them.

Abnormal! They've not heard of separation anxiety then?

As long as she knows other people exist, I'd say that is all the socialisation she needs. What is really important at this age is her developing bond with her parents. Other relationships and her confidence in new situations grows from this.

Mind you it is embarrassing when a baby reacts badly when you try and engage with it, so perhaps they are just trying to cover their own hurt feelings by projecting that there is something wrong with your baby or with your parenting.

Dtd gets quite affronted if someone else holds her - she has spent the past 7 months 'vetting' me and dh and has no intention of letting anyone else give us a break hold her. Dts is happy to go to anyone as they may have food!

They have (obviously) been socialised equally but are just different personalities. It's all perfectly normal.

Fwiw I loathe and detest mother and baby groups. I took my older ones and it made bugger all difference to social skills.

IMO they get enough socialising at preschool and beyond. So long as you're not living like a hermit I'm sure she will be fine.

She's 6 months old. Her personality is barely formed yet.

I'm 31 and I am quiet and like to observe before interacting. I also have friends and am married with a DD and a DC2 on the way. But I suppose I am abnormal and improperly socialised according to your family. Some people just are quiet. We like it that way.

I had the same with my DD and it annoyed me. People took it so personally if she didn't beam at them or if she cried on them or if God forbid, she was quiet! I was made to feel like I was doing something wrong because she didn't "recognise" my inlaws. I've stopped apologising now - she's only nine months and yes she's starting to get a bit more used to going to other people, she's still too young to observe social rules and if she's unsure of a place or person she will show it. She I babbles away if she's at home with us but when we take her out she takes a while to get used to it before she feels comfortable and as far as I'm concerned that's fine. They are only babies and this new world is very strange to them and adults have to understand that. Don't worry your baby is totally normal and it's far too early to be worrying about her social skills. I take my DD to a mums group but she generally just nods off!!! Don't worry you're doing fine and don't be bullied into changing x

You can't 'socialise' her in the sense of doing it to her. You need to follow her lead and let her dictate the pace. She will become more confident in her own time.

My daughter was the same at 6 months. She always liked to get to know people in her own time & from birth was never a child who liked to be handed round or to be in loud and noisy social situations.My Mother for example, is an ex school teacher with the typical 'teacher voice' (loud). My little girl used to cry whenever my Mum talked to her! I took my lead from my daughter and followed my gut instinct - reducing the time she spent in environments that made her uncomfortable.

FF a few years, she's nearly 17 now and she's confident, popular and has a social life to die for. She stayed quiet and shy throughout her nursery years, but blossomed once she started reception, and grew - almost overnight - into her current socially confident and popular self.

I do feel very glad that I didn't push her too much in the early years and just supported her to be herself, and accepted her for who she was. It sounds as though your instincts are the same. As others have said, we're all different, why shouldn't she be a quieter kind of girl? What's wrong with that?

Your family etc might have a bit of a point if she were 6 years. But 6 months? They're barely out of the womb. At this age, babies show what they need and they need their needs to eb responded to. If she's 'forced' at this age to 'perform' for other people, it could have consequences for her emotional development.

Keep on going with your instincts and giving her what she is clearly showing you she needs. She will begin interacting with the rest of the world on her timetable, not on that of others who want her to 'perform'.

Do you carry her in a sling? Sounds like she might find that reassuring.

good heavens, your LO sounds like a totally and utterly normal 6 mo.

your family need to get over themselves and remember that her need to feel safe and secure is more important than their need for a cuddle!

When my DS was 6mo every time we would set foot in my DF's house he would have a meltdown and cry for an hour. We never figured out why. My poor DF... He's now 2.8 and loves his Papy . She will be fine OP.

Thanks for all the replies. I think many of you are right, it is their way of coping with rejection from her.. to make it appear like it's her problem.
They obviously don't see what a cheerful funny baby she is because she only feels comfortable being like that with us and her sister... so I suppose they worry. But I know better.
She never liked being passed about when newborn no, which ofc they disliked then (although a bonus for me as they wanted to feed her and were crap at keeping the bottle upright!)

I have a baby like yours (who's also a second, funnily enough).

She's getting better as she gets older (she's 12 months), but I've never seen the need to force anything. She is who she is.

I think that people often forget that babies aren't machines and like everyone else they are all differant and like differant things. My dd is the polar opposite of yours, she loves busy places and new people. She will grin at anyone who shows even the slightest interest in her and just loves playing with other babies.

I have no idea where she gets this from. Me and dp are pretty reclusive, hate crowds and are rubbish with strangers. I can count the number of other babies she saw in her first 6 months on one hand. We made not even the slightest attempt to socialise her so really it can only be down to personality rather then anything we have done.

If your dd is like me and not naturally into being social then forcing her will only stress her out, which i think would be both a bit mean and probably counterproductive.

You can't really socialise a 6mo, they have no real concept about much apart from themselves and their primary caregivers. It is also normal for them to have separation anxiety. Babies are often overwhelmed by lots of people, noise, etc, all normal for her age. There are babies who can manage this sort of stimulation but I think they are more unusual.
It also has no bearing on her future personality. She may turn out to be shy and sensitive but equally she could become really out-going. Try not to let your family project this personality onto her - if you tell a young child often enough that she's shy and needs to work hard at socialising then it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

DD had appalling separation anxiety from 5 to 23 months. Hideously, to the point that we couldn't leave her with babysitters because no-one would babysit - she would scream 4+ hours non-stop no problem at all. None of the grandparents could pick her up - she didn't even particularly care for her daddy much of the time.

At 7 months I started taking her to a playgroup one morning a week, where she looked at toys on her own.

I was told by everyone that she was too isolated, that she wasn't socialised, that she would grow up shy and with no confidence - oh and I did full-on AP, co-sleeping, breast-fed on demand, no CIO, worn in a sling the whole time, so that made it even worse apparently. I dread to think what was said behind my back considering what was said to my face.

Relatives would give me the names of local nurseries and baby groups. I said thank you and stuck them in the bin.

DD is now 3.6 years, today she stood up in the middle of a train and sang Jingle Bells (with actions) to the entire carriage, she is almost embarrassingly confident (am almost jealous), she cannot be bothered to say goodbye to me in the morning at nursery - she has bounded in from day 1 (26 months). The teachers tell me that she is immensely confident and has loads of friends - she even got one of the 4 speaking parts in the class play.

At 6 months they are only really interested in mummy. DD was so bad on the separation anxiety that I was referred for specialist support (my anxiety mainly) and they said to let her take things at her pace, never push her to be more independent and that it was just a phase. They were so right!