How to raise a confident child

[Thaleia]

Hi,
Our son might have if a tough time growing up because of teasing.
How do we raise a child who is self confident, has a good self esteem and is generally happy the way he is - without turning him into a self centred and narcissistic nightmare?
I don't want to praise him for things all the time or tell him how good he is and how wrong\ bad others are when this is life and sometimes you come second - or last - as DC has to learn that too ...
Thanks, Thai

If there was a catagorical answer to this we'd probably all do it! My theory is to foster a strong attachment with parents (for me this means not leaving my dd to cry without responding, not leaving her in situations she is unhappy, but others see it differently), provide lots of opportunities to learn to socialise, rolemodelling good social skills, giving lots of praise, being obviously affectionate, and helping her to learn to manage her emotions.

Time will tell how things turn out. We can only do our best.

Btw, I disagree with you about giving lots of praise, I think it's a very good thing to praise kids as much as possible. And I think that kids will learn soon enough about the harsh realities of life, but I think it's helpful for my children to know they will always come first to me.

Read unconditional parenting. It has some interesting things to say on this topic........

It says

• praise for effort not achievement
• don't over praise - be sincere
• talk to your kids about what they've done without judging it either negatively or positively

ThaleiaFri 07-Dec-12 19:29:25
"Hi,
Our son might have if a tough time growing up because of teasing."

Why might these be? I think at some point every child will be teased and it is how they are taught to respond - ignore, laugh it off, give as good as they get? Lord every parent would give you a different response on that though...

I actually think all the dance/drama/music my sister and I did really helped our confidence and encouraged us to speak out and not be shy. We stared this about 5ish up until teens when we got bored of it. For my brother, without a doubt competitive sports - bonding, joking, leadership etc.

Also, when we hit our teens we all had part time jobs in pubs/restaurants/dept stores - again dealing with all different people and situations was invaluable rather than sitting isolated in our rooms in our own little worlds.

I would say that I have good self esteem. My parents always told me how much they loved me and praised me a lot, but are modest themselves so didn't set me an example of being self-centred. That is what I hope to achieve for my kids.

Oh and my mother made me feel like I could do anything I wanted to do - whatever the limit!

Meh, I don't think there's a lot you can do beyond the obvious (don't undermine them, let them know you love them no matter what even when you're cross with them).

My DC range from super over-confident to often quite worried.

My DS has a condition called ptosis, which is a droopy eyelid. I worried so much about him being teased at school. He is in year 1 and all the other kids love him. He has such a smiley happy nature that the first thing people notice is not his eye, but his .

I don't honestly know what has made him like this apart from being loved.

I am not shy though and seem unable to produce shy children so that may have something to do with it.

All three of them are super confident and I like that.

Why would your child get teased?

You set the foundations for your child. If you make them feel secure, if you make them feel safe and loved and wanted, they will have confidence from that. It doesn't mean that they'll necessarily be outgoing, the life and soul etc etc.

IMO and E self confidence is from an inner security that comes when DCs are loved unconditionally but they also need flexible boundaries which they are fully aware of.

E.G. I'll never forget a neighbours' child who climbed on the table in our house and ate all the biscs. without his mother saying ANYTHING; she also let him pull and tug her hair with no comment I didn't ask them again;the family were highly intellectual but IMO had no commonsense! That DC is now an obese, sad adult so the freedom he had didn't allow him to grow up confidently.

Sadly teasing is part of life esp. in school and it helps to give the DCs the right perspective on it. I also think DCs should be believed within reason of course!

Hi,
He's a shorty ... hanging on to the 9th percentile for height. So I want him to "walk tall" if you see what I mean. My DH and I are no giants and he turns out to have inherited a short gene. It's the way it is but hence my question ...

I'll see what's there on "unconditional parenting" as suggested by indigobelle

Try Wayne dwyer - "what do you really want for your kids" and Stephen covey "7 habits of highly effective families". (I'm not religious so I Just ignore those bits!)

I also love nuture shock and mindset

YES read Mindset. Praise for effort NOT achievement - very very very important.

We were quite 'attachment' parenty with DS in the first year - 18 months of his life - he's never left to cry, still, and we respond quickly to him, though he's now (at 2) old enough to hear "in a minute." DMum told me confidently that he would be a coddled wimp if we picked him up at every newborn whimper, now she marvels at his independence. . . so that's nice.

Praise things HE can control and effect: how hard he tries, being kind, being cheerful, helpful, etc. Don't praise him for being clever or how he looks - that breeds real insecurity.

I've got 2 very confident teenagers and a very anxious little 9 year old so I'm not sure!! A lot of it is obviously nature but I agree with the above statements.
I praise for efforts and achievements but especially effort.
Make them feel important and that their opinion matters. I had lovely parents but always remember feeling like it didn't matter what I said because my opinion wasn't important.
Make them realise that everyone is human and makes mistakes. If I get a bit grumpy I usually apologise later and explain why.
Complement them from a young age. I tell my toddlers 'you make mummy happy', 'you make mummy laugh'. I tell them all when they make me proud.

I'm working on my 9 year old and she's getting there but with some dc it's a lot more difficult than others. I would never ever say this to them but dd2 is the most classically beautiful of all my dc. Just shows that doesn't always make you confident!

Hi - if there's a reason you might be likely to be teased ie a physical or ability difference IME (working with kids with medical conditions) it can help to have some strategies for dealing with teasing ready ie what can you say/do if someone points, makes fun....I have just had my first and I will be showering her with smiles and praise but will also explain some people are mean or thoughtless and a good way to deal with it is to....

X

Specific praise (agree with for effort, not necessarily end result).

Model the behaviour you would like them to copy.

Actively listen to them when they are talking to you - rephrasing what they say and saying it back to them shows you have understood.

Allow them to try and work out solutions for themselves (with a little help) - if you always problem-solve for them, they may find it harder to think up strategies for dealing with difficult situations as they grow up.

I don't think anyone gets it 100% right - we just do what we think works best at the time.

The most important thing you can do is develop a strong, loving bond with him as others have already said. I also think sport is extremely important for boys to develop self confidence and self worth. And there are lots of sports where being small and nimble would be a great advantage.