DH more interested in phone than DD :(

[Chockywockydoodah]

I'm writing as I'm sad that DH spends virtually no time with toddler DD. She tries to vie for his attention but his eyes are permanently glued to the iPhone checking messages for work or Facebook. I can't moan or complain as he says "it's work" and as I'm a stay at home mum who relies on his salary I can't really complain openly. But I wonder what signal it sends to children to see a parents attention totally fixated to a device rather than on them or on something else. I realise phones are an integral part of communication but in our household it seems to have taken over verbal and physical communication on his side....

last night she was begging him to look at her craft work she did at stay and play as he walked through the door from work but he could not tear his eyes away from his phone and she kept saying "Look Daddy Look!. As usual, I didn't say anything just remained silent and ate up the resentment as always.

he loves her dearly but just doesn't seem to want to fit time in with her at weekends and then wonders why she is clingy with me. we don't have any family members that can help out so she spends all her time with me. he does do things with us sometimes at weekends but only for an hour or two before going off on his own. Fortunately, she's an easygoing child with only the normal terrible two tempers and I love looking after her.

whamadeira me sadder still is the realisation that he would probably not be able to cope mentally with having another child in the house (seems to not be able to bear children crying or want to partake in child rearing) so baby no. 2 seems unlikely given that and my age.

just wanted to vent really and see how others feel about DH's/DP's and technology.

You need to tell him what you're seeing. Does he run his own business? Otherwise, why can't he have seperate work and home mobiles? Work mobile gets switched off at the door, home mobile can be looked at once DD is in bed.

Start with some direct questions "why weren't you interested in her artwork?" "why don't you take her to the park on Saturday afternoon?" then build up a conversation from his answers.

With my peevish hat on, could an "accident" be engineered where the iphone gets dropped down the loo. 2 year olds often do that sort of thing as do their mothers in desperation , go out and wait for him to find it.

Then when you've got his attention, get him to spend time with DD and see how his childrearing is then.

Relationships are about communication. If he doesn't know you are pissed off and in fact always dealing with your DD happily how will he know that his behaviour is annoying you? Find a way to talk to him.

Also, is there anything you can do on a weekend to leave them together even if only for a few hours? Maybe start going to the gym or even something as dull as food shopping, but alone. They can go to the park, stay at home, go for a walk. Or maybe he could take your DD shopping, or swimming.

Presumably he's pretty withdrawn from you too?

Are you sure it's just work that keeps him on the phone?

Dropping the iPhone down the loo might be an expensive mistake. But either it or its charger could be "lost" in a suitable toy box to the same effect, if you want to try that approach.

I'm with Edith, first thought is an OW with his attachment to phone.

I agree with paneer. He may just not realise how he is not parenting her. Try talking to him, or for a harder technique, try to subtley (spelling?) video him on your phone ignoring dd whilst on his phone so he sees what it looks like. Careful if you use this one though as it can seem quite harsh, and you must make sure he doesn't think you are using this as a weapon.

What's wrong with just having an old fashioned flippin conversation about it? You are bothered about his lack of communication but it works both ways!
If something, anything is bothering you, talk about it, if you can't, or he won't, then end it now.

Do you pull him up at the time when he does this? "DD is talking to you" etc?

thanks all so much for your thoughts and advice. So good to have fresh eyes/opinions.

yes DH runs his own business and finds it hard to therefore switch off at home or at weekends and when he switches off for work, he switches on to browse the Internet for leisure (as do I admittedly). Phones, computers and iPads are his life. He loves technology. I could never break anything or take a gadget away from him. he has got himself into the habit of answering client emails after hours and on weekends and is "always available". Challenging this with him is futile as he is running his business how he feels it should be run.

the direct questioning Fire talks about is something I should do, but I'm not good with confrontation (long story stemming from my narcissistic mother). We do have communication issues between us Paneer which I need to work on myself as they are my issues, but otherwise we do spend quality time as a couple in the evenings every night.

I think the way forward (as Paneer says) is to suggest they do more together without me at weekends so he feels a part of her life and she him also. She needs to see that he values spending time with her. She asks if he's coming to various things, but the answer is so often no...

Oh dear....I could have written the exact same op.
It is really hard when a partner behaves like this, mine is exactly the same. We have just come back from a week away where all he did was scroll through his phone/ipad all day every day. DD2 repeatedly asked him to come in the pool with her, but he didn't once, in fact he was barely even outdoors and he seems oblivious to how it affects the family (well, it is work after all and what could be more important than that?) The trouble is, those types are only good communicators where electronics are concerned - I have said it outright to my DH and he's really not bothered that we feel neglected, even on a 1-week-in 18-months 'holiday'.

When you spend quality time together as a couple every night, what does he do with the phone and the iPad?

'as I'm a stay at home mum who relies on his salary I can't really complain openly'.

Why not?

It is quite common... my DH often got out the phone when we went to park, rather than watch DS' antics, and left me to watch him all the time. I also felt quite upset - but I think it's just that they find young children boring. He's got lots better since DS has got older and is speaking in an almost normal way (if with a few toddlerisms thrown in).

I wonder if your DH doesn't make much effort because he feels rejected by her (ref. your 'clingy' comment) - maybe a few one to one sessions would be really helpful?

I know a guy who's a right tech-head, and he regularly referred to his daughter (of about age 6/7) as 'the brat' in his FB posts - albeit I think he thought it was in a lighthearted way. So it could be worse!

grumpy it's so hard isn't it. I don't think any amount of telling them will ever stop them as some men are just addicted to social networking be it work or leisure.

great-uncle the iPad or phone is never far away from him for a quick browse or check (!) but that's the same for most people (incl. me but not every few mins!). DH and I watch tv/films/eat together every night as DD has an early bedtime so I think the issue really is that I need to step back and get him to spend more time with DD on his own for both their sakes and just accept his need for the Phone/message checking.

Eugene thanks for your own experience points and especially about DD feeling possibly rejected and not needed. Very valid point.

Sorry, in my previous message to Eugene I meant DH feeling rejected :)