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Why am I not coping better? (Long and self-pitying)

43 replies

Oakmaiden · 08/01/2004 21:47

Well, my baby daughter is 12 weeks old on Saturday, and I just feel like I am not coping at all. It is like treading water all day, just trying to keep afloat, and to be honest I wouldn't even manage that if not for the way my poor, much maligned husband is keeping things going for me. And I feel by now it should be getting better - that I should at least be capable of managing the bare essentials (feeding the children and washing them every now and then) but I just can't get it all together. My poor son hasn't had a bath in Gd only knows how long, I have a pile of dirty nappies in the nursery that the fairies haven't yet magicked into the nappy bucket and the whole place is a messy smell heap of sht. (Not literally).

I don't like feeding the baby - it is just SO boring and still mildly uncomfortable. In fact the baby is boring (as all babies are) and cries too much. I love her madly and deeply - from the moment I first saw her - which is a surprise because it took a LONG time (years ) to feel this way about my son - but I can't help looking at her and thinking "What have I DONE???" My life was organised and fun - I was home educating my son, we were having a real blast and were really close, I had plenty of time to spend doing the things I enjoyed - and now my son is at school cos I couldn't cope with him whilst I was pregnant - I felt so ill - and everything is so boring and I don't have time to do the things that MUST be done, let alone the things I enjoy. Why did I do this to myself?

I have this paranoia that if I let anyone else look after the baby at all then something dreadful will happen (her falling down the stairs or her pram being run over by a car are "favourite" nightmare thoughts). Went to watch Lord of the RIngs just before Christmas, but spent the whole film wishing I was at home and worrying.

Not only that, but my darling husband informed me a couple of days ago that when our son was born we had sex when he was 3 months old. He has mentined sex several times since then - I rather think he thinks he has been patient enough, and he thinks sooner would be better than later.... I really don't want to. I spend a lot of time thinking how peaceful and restful it would be to be dead - I am NOT in a place where I want to think about sex. In fact, although ormally I quite enjoy it, right now the thought makes me feel a little sick and makes my skin crawl. I don't know how to tell him this though - he would take it personally, and it isn't personal - it is just that I am not ready yet.

I just feel crap, and I am not coping anything like as well as I thought I would. Which makes me feel crapper. And I am neglecting just about everything (except the baby, who won't let me neglect her). I feel so guilty about it all.

OP posts:
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Issymum · 09/01/2004 11:07

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This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at OP's request

Oakmaiden · 09/01/2004 13:53

Thank you all for your comments. To be honest the only thing that I really think is a bit abnormal (and concerning) is my constant fear about the baby getting hurt (because it is a fear, not a worry). The death thing - well, it is fleeting - happens quite often (normally about 4 in the morning when the baby is screaming and won't be comforted) but it is just a thought that comes and goes - and is not even an abnormal thought for me. But the fear thing was why I went to talk to the HV - much good did it do me.

I am just SO tired and I think I expected it to be a lot easier. In fact I KNOW I expected it to be a lot easier. In a way it is far easier than first time, but in most ways there is so much more guilt, and my husband has turned into a grumpy old man in the intervening years (my son is now 6) and is constantly telling my son off for being untidy/ cheeky/ forgetful. This is just how he is - but it makes me feel like I HAVE to somehow pull things together so that I can buffer between them (my usual position).

But thanks for your replies - they have made me feel a bit less incompetent!

OP posts:
layla · 09/01/2004 16:13

Oakmaiden I'm glad the comments have helped you but-it really doesn't sound normal.Nevermind the HV I'd go and see your GP.It really sounds like you're depressed.You're not supposed to feel that bad after a baby,you should be happier.It's a happy time in ones life.Please go and get some help.

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Jimjams · 09/01/2004 16:37

I disagree- it does sound normal to me. It's certianly how I felt.

Did you expect it to be easier the 2nd time round Oaky? or just easier than it is. IME it was MUCH harder the 2nd time round just becuase I was more tired and had to look after ds1 as well- so had no time to myself at all. One baby is far easier.

One thing that strikes me about your post. Do you think you could have twinges of OCD at times? Those thoughts and the real fear sounds quite OCD to me. Of course OCD is always worse under stress and exhaustion so I would expect them to disappear as you get less tired and more used to 2 iyswim.

pie · 09/01/2004 16:45

I think that when you have been through the kind of depression Oakie says she has:

"I have suffered from clinical depression before - and I'm not there - not staring into the abyss - just not coping very well."

Having fleeting moments of wanting all the hard stuff to stop, even that death would be a release is as normal as its going to get. You know you are staring into that abyss when those thoughts pound away in your brain hour after hour, not as she describes at 4am with a baby crying at you. There are different levels of depression. Personally when I am at the stage Oakie has described I think I'm doing ok, not great but ok for me, in fact I don't think I will ever be totally free of these feelings - so they're normal for me!. Its relative, so if Oakie feels non-depressed (she isn't on the brink of a great darkness at the moment), maybe she is for her?

Oakmaiden · 09/01/2004 18:48

Jimjams - I think I both hoped to get an "easy" baby this time, and believed that second time around it would be easier anyway. My son was SO hard - a really discontented baby - never satisfied - don't think he stopped crying for the first 6 months. And then when he was diagnosed with AS etc I think I kindof said to myself "Well, that explains it all - that is why he was so hard right from the beginning." I also had a really traumatic time at the birth, and stopped breastfeeding after 3 days - enormous guilt for not doing the best things for him - felt such a complete failure, and that of course affected how I saw myself as a mother.

This time in a way it has ALL gone right - home water birth - intense but no pain relief so no guilt there! Have struggled but am still breastfeeding (despite baby's tongue tie). So I am doing the things I wanted to do - but I think the real thing here is that I am trying so hard to get a routine that works - because my son really needs it - and the baby is not cooperating. So I end up exhausated and despondant.

Yes, I suppose mild OCD is possible - as you say if so it will probably pass as other things improve. I do tend to have quite an obsessive nature (which I have actually generally found useful - I can usually channel it). I have also been prone to depression - since pre-teens actually - which is how I know that I am not depressed now. Feeling down and low, yes, clinically depressed - no. AS Pie says - it is relative.

I think that it is just that I thought a second baby would be easy, and didn't stop to consider that I would not be able to devote 24 hours a day to the baby and 24 hours a day to my son and keep the house running and have a life of my own (even for 5 minutes). Sadly there is no-one I can trust with the baby to give me more than half an hour off - MiL lives locally but I don't trust her at all and my husband is reluctant to take the baby unless there is a really good reason why I can't do it.

OP posts:
Spod · 09/01/2004 19:09

Oh Oaky... sorry you're feeling so bad.... but you're doing well, honest. Over on the october babies thread it may seem that some of us are having a real rosy time (ie me) but i can assure you that not managing to run a household is a shared thing! yesterday I dusted and hoovered and was horrified at the dirt, its been that long since i did any cleaning! I am tired and stressed with non-baby related problems... but I only post stuff about baby and thats going good... so what I think i'm saying is maybe it seems that some of us are doing great and this may make you feel bad. Not doing housework, piles of nappies, no sex, irritability and questioning one's ability to cope/parent/care are NORMAL so dont feel crap about not doing those things... I bet no-one on the october babies has had sex yet for a start?? own up girls! try and talk your dh into taking baby for a while...we all need time off, even if its only an hour for a soak in the bath...why is he reluctant?

aloha · 09/01/2004 19:15

How about contacting Homestart? There was a bit about the organisation on Woman's Hour today and it sounded good, just another mother who comes round to do whatever helps with your son and the baby to give you a break. It's for anyone.
Also, could you afford a cleaner for a few hours. For £15 you could have a clean house and those nappies tackled etc. It makes everything seem less overwhelming if the house is a bit straight, I think.

Jimjams · 09/01/2004 19:23

I think having a difficult older child makes it sooo hard Oaky. Ds1 reacted very badly to ds2 arriving. This was pre-dx but he retreated totally, and became very withdrawn and very autistic for a while. We think he was actually depressed. Those days were very difficult. He would glue himself to stairs and refuse to move and just scream if we tried to. And yes I though oh god what the hell have I done to him?

And now? Well he's fine with ds2. Remembering that he blanks all children he blanks ds2 slightly les than others. So today he took some stickers from me and put them on ds2. Sometimes he gives them a kiss and sometimes they play briefly together. He's never played with another child really so that's quite a big thing. Overall I think he now likes having him around (he looks for him anyway). Bit me me me- and I know your situation is different but just wanted to reassure you that the older sibling does cope in the end. (For ds1 it took about 4 months before he stopped being traumatised- and it happened overnight).

Not sure about your dh. Could you sit him down and say "look mate this is the situation... I need you to do x, y and z"?

sobernow · 09/01/2004 19:25

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Jollymum · 09/01/2004 19:51

Oakmaiden-you sound like you're too GOOD a mum! You have two children, you have a nice Dh and you're tired. OMG you're tired. I have learnt, over the years, that when I am tired, things look badder and bigger! Yes, I know "Badder" isn't a real word, but it sounds good. Just think, will your baby suffer just from using disposables? Do it, stop beating yourself up about being a bad mum because your "terries" aren't whiter than white and think about that baby and yourself. Babies are boring, for a while and they realy don't care what product goes on their delicate little botties as long as their mum is there (or their dad/partner) to munch them, love them and most of all, be there for them. Ask all first time mums who've just had a second one. I know, I've done it. I was obsessed the first time with all the things I should be doing and by the time I'd done them, I forgotten about me and my dh. SEX!!-Get real, you might not feel like it and your dh sounds like he's being great about it (don't forget, he's a man and they "need" it). They do, really, it's biological and even my dh, who's on his fourth child, admits that having sex makes him less grumpy etc etc and if I'm not hanging off the celing screaming his name he'll be happy if I occasionally wake up and mutter "That's great, pet).!!!

Sorry, that sounds really cynical. He's a good man, I do love him but if I don't get my sleep or if I spend my whole night(as I do sometimes) worrying that I didn't do this or that with the kids, I didn't send in spotless, named PE kit etc, I am a bad mother!!

Babies need love, anyone will do but their mums/dads are special. They will grow up, there will be a time when they will push you away and won't want a cuddle. If it's boring feeding the baby, watch a film at the same time and relax. If the children are fed, clothed and happy and you are, you are a miracle worker. Think about all the children that would love to have a mum like you and feel proud. You love your children sooo much, you're worrying about them and you need time for you and for them and for your dh too.

Maybe you need to have a talk with your HV, book a time when you can have a private chat. It might help, sometimes it takes other people to tell you you're doing a great job for you to believe it. I've got four kids and I have days when I think I'm a crap mum. etc but I'm not. I'm human and I get tired like everyone else.

Good luck, deep breath and I'm sure all the Mns will tell you the same. You're doing a great job, keep posting, and take care.
xxxxx

Oakmaiden · 09/01/2004 19:51

My husband is - difficult. I mean - he is a really great guy, and don't get me wrong, he is doing loads to help. He just has this thing about babies - he doesn't like them - I think he is a bit afraid of them - and he gets really angry when she cries unless I do something to make her stop. He just can't cope with it himself. I don't really understand it, but it does make it really hard for me to leave them together - I would come back to a furious husband and a screaming baby. It is not that he wouldn't do it - I left them for about an hour on Monday as I needded to take my son to buy school shoes - but to be honest the need has to be great. It is just the way he is - I have tried to talk him around, but I think he reads things into the baby crying that aren't there. (Almost ascribing negative motives to it - I dunno).

On the positive side - my baby laughed today!!! So it's all OK now (for a bit, anyway )

OP posts:
motherinferior · 09/01/2004 20:00

OM - I've not had anything to add except love and kisses at this point (too darn tired - and dd2 is SIX months!!)xxxxxxx

BekkiKay · 09/01/2004 20:23

My dh is the same. You can see him getting flustered and aggravated by ds2 crying. I wouldn't leave both my children with him even if I could. They just aren't programmed the same as us.
Don't have sex if you don't actually want to. Its very degrading and it'll just be another chore that you don't want to be doing. Forget about what he wants and focus on yourself.
Once you get yourself sorted out then everything else can follow.
I wouldn't give up on cloth, but thats only because most clothies get alot out of using cloth and actually enjoy them! But if they're too much to bear right now then go and buy a pack of sposies.
I once spent an hour running through an awful scenerio similiar to the one you describe. Its as though I couldn't stop thinking about it and the worry became intense for a couple of days afterwards. I think its normal to worry but if its a constant thought then I think its PND.
I think everybody can relate to the feelings of being overwhelmed and unappreciated. So don't worry theres nothing abnormal about what you're feeling. I think sometimes I worry because I'm worrying too much.

Utka · 09/01/2004 21:01

I do sympathise with the bizarre thoughts thing. I used to have to pass the top of our (steep) stairs en route from the bathroom to dd's bedroom, and every single time, for about the first 4 months, when I had her in my arms I used to imagine her falling down the stairs. I tried not to think too hard about it each time, as I was convinced I was about to involuntarily throw her down them. Sort of how you get when you're on top of a very high building - you imagine you're going to jump, even though you almost certainly won't. The feeling did pass eventually, but I still occasionally have the same thoughts when at the wheel of the car, when passing lorries or brick walls that I might crash into.

I also used to wake up in a sweat every night, imagining I'd overlaid her in bed - patting the duvet frantically until dh woke up. This was despite never ever having fed her in bed (precisely because I was so worried about this!).

I think our fears in the early postnatal days are because all of a sudden we are in such an incredibly responsible position. We're reminding ourselves of how fragile the baby is, and how, at this point, their survival is in our hands. This is really really daunting!!!

And in a way, because with the second child we have moved on, the child has grown and developed and the responsibilities have changed, we've forgotten what it is like to have that small thing so entirely reliant on us. I think fears about the baby in this kind of situation are entirely normal.

It sounds to me like your dh is having the same fears, except that he is expressing them by expecting you to sort out things like her crying. Instinctively, because you are the mum, you are assuming that you have to do this yourself, but I agree with the earlier post - he could help. Can you perhaps explain how you're feeling to him, and ask him if he's feeling the same way? It might make it easier to persuade him to give you some time to yourself, which you sound like you need.

This may also explain the sex thing. I remember my dh being really keen quite soon after the birth (he also suggested that I cycle down to the chemist to get something the baby needed, 2 weeks after having given birth, but that's another story!!). I think sex in this context is being used as a way of him feeling like things are back to normal - ie as they were before the baby was born. He's probably mourning the loss of your previous life too.

I found I had to explain to my dh (who is, despite the cycling incident, a very very switched on man), that I needed time to myself, to do something really frivolous. We reached an agreement that he would look after the baby for say 2 hours on a Saturday, but only on the express proviso that I went shopping, or sat in a cafe and read the paper over a coffee, or something 'non-productive' like that. His giving me 'permission' to do something other than getting a household chore done, was what I needed to make sure I didn't feel guilty about enjoying myself. We've tried to maintain this (as I speak he's currently skiing for a week in France at my insistance - I am expecting no 2 in 3 weeks' time, but know I can count on similar levels of support after no 2 is born).

I do hope you feel better soon. If it's any consolation, I am truly worried about how I'm going to feel when no 2 is born. I love routine, and am terribly structured too, plus there's going to be a 3 year gap between the children, and I have always been a child, rather than a baby person. So I shall be really interested to hear how you get on, as I think I'll need some inspiration from you in a few weeks' time!

Oakmaiden · 11/01/2004 20:49

Utka and everyone else - thanks for your replies. Utka - that is very close to it, the feeling you are about to throw the baby accidentally - and of course if I can be afraid that I might do that, how about other people who I know don't love her as much as I do?

Anyhow - I have made it through the weekend - the first time I have had both children alone for a weekend since the baby was born. And we all got fed (well, the children did - I missed a few meals) and I even managed to bath them both and wash my son's hair this evening. This is an achievement for me. I just keep repeating to myself - "it will not be like this forever". In a way it makes me quite sad though - my baby will grow up so quickly, and will one day be a stroppy cantankerous teenager like I was - and I'm not enjoying her babyness - just enduring it. I wish I was enjoying it - I feel robbed (by myself).

OP posts:
Oakmaiden · 11/01/2004 20:53

BekkiKay - I love my cloth nappies - when things start to pile up they tend to fester in a heap, but they do eventually get washed, and in a way it is the one thing that I feel I am doing really quite well. Things CAN'T be that bad if I am mangaing to use my washable nappies. It is almost as though it is my proof that I will be OK. (And I am afraid that if I stop using them then I will feel a failure and the abyss looms. Not going there. The nappies stay!!!)

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Utka · 12/01/2004 18:02

Well done you for getting through the weekend, and on your own too. It's good that you are celebrating your achievements, however 'small' you may feel they are.

Today I managed to do a shop at Sainsburys and clean the kitchen - the sum total of my achievements. I also looked after my dd - which of course matters too, but I tend to overlook it as it's something I do every day.

Don't beat yourself up about not enjoying your children more - that way, you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. Just accept that at the moment, what matters is you getting through each day sane and healthy! They, and you, won't lose out if you don't manage to savour every single moment.

Keep it up!(And while you're about it, treat yourself to something special this evening - even if it's just a cup of hot chocolate or a relaxing bath!)

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