Why am I not coping better? (Long and self-pitying)

[Oakmaiden]

Well, my baby daughter is 12 weeks old on Saturday, and I just feel like I am not coping at all. It is like treading water all day, just trying to keep afloat, and to be honest I wouldn't even manage that if not for the way my poor, much maligned husband is keeping things going for me. And I feel by now it should be getting better - that I should at least be capable of managing the bare essentials (feeding the children and washing them every now and then) but I just can't get it all together. My poor son hasn't had a bath in Gd only knows how long, I have a pile of dirty nappies in the nursery that the fairies haven't yet magicked into the nappy bucket and the whole place is a messy smell heap of sht. (Not literally).

I don't like feeding the baby - it is just SO boring and still mildly uncomfortable. In fact the baby is boring (as all babies are) and cries too much. I love her madly and deeply - from the moment I first saw her - which is a surprise because it took a LONG time (years ) to feel this way about my son - but I can't help looking at her and thinking "What have I DONE???" My life was organised and fun - I was home educating my son, we were having a real blast and were really close, I had plenty of time to spend doing the things I enjoyed - and now my son is at school cos I couldn't cope with him whilst I was pregnant - I felt so ill - and everything is so boring and I don't have time to do the things that MUST be done, let alone the things I enjoy. Why did I do this to myself?

I have this paranoia that if I let anyone else look after the baby at all then something dreadful will happen (her falling down the stairs or her pram being run over by a car are "favourite" nightmare thoughts). Went to watch Lord of the RIngs just before Christmas, but spent the whole film wishing I was at home and worrying.

Not only that, but my darling husband informed me a couple of days ago that when our son was born we had sex when he was 3 months old. He has mentined sex several times since then - I rather think he thinks he has been patient enough, and he thinks sooner would be better than later.... I really don't want to. I spend a lot of time thinking how peaceful and restful it would be to be dead - I am NOT in a place where I want to think about sex. In fact, although ormally I quite enjoy it, right now the thought makes me feel a little sick and makes my skin crawl. I don't know how to tell him this though - he would take it personally, and it isn't personal - it is just that I am not ready yet.

I just feel crap, and I am not coping anything like as well as I thought I would. Which makes me feel crapper. And I am neglecting just about everything (except the baby, who won't let me neglect her). I feel so guilty about it all.

All sounds normal to me hunny.

2 years after ds2 and I would still prefer a cup of tea to sex most nights as I'm so tired.

I know what you mean about losing the closeness with your eldest child as well. I feel like that sometimes with ds1, and I love having time when its just the 2 of us. Maybe its to do with them moving on a bit- shortly after ds2 was born he started nursery so gradually we spent less time together anyway.

I remember finding feeding ds2 a drag- as I had so much other stuff to do.

Oh although I was an obsessive washable nappy head with ds1 I never got to grips with them with ds2 and he has spent 95% of his time in disposables.

Having 2 is very different to one and it just takes time to adjust. You will start to feel better again and find it easier- I promise.

Have you been checked for PND ??

No - but I'm not. I have suffered from clinical depression before - and I'm not there - not staring into the abyss - just not coping very well. To be honest I went to see my HV yesterday (for the first time since the baby was born) because I felt I needed to tell someone how I feel, even if I know I am not depressed and that time will pass and it will all just be a memory - but she does the baby clinic really weirdly - you are all in a room together, and have to ask if you want to speak privately, and she just said "oh, bay has put on plenty of weight.... You're fine aren't you? Because you are very sensible and don't worry about stuff...." Kindof thing. Which is weird, because presumably she has the notes from the old HV (this one is new) and I didn't cope AT ALL with my son initially either. I did have PND then - but I also have a few AS traits, and I find the uncertainty of babies really hard. Difficult to put into words. SO anyway, ended up not speaking to her. SO thought I would post here so that you could all tell me that I am doing fine. Please.

Sorry you feel so bad Oakmaiden, I have nothing useful to add, but if it is any consolation at all, I find feeding my 2 month old boring and time consuming too - no flood of joy for me! And I am getting bugger all done too. And as for sex, I think I would rather do the ironing and I can't remember the last time I did that either! I think you should check for PND as Nutty suggests, but if not that, its probably par for the course. Is there anyone who can take your baby off your hands for a couple of hours to give you a break?

Oops, crossed posts!
Hope I don't sound patronising, but maybe if you set yourself one SMALL task to accomplish each day, you might feel that you are achieving something. Apart from feeding your baby which is achievement enough

Jimjams - it is a bit weird, but the nappies are the only thing that make me feel like a good mother. Truely irrational, but I get satisfaction from her never having worn a disposable - it feels like as long as I can do SOMETHING right there is a chance we will all get through this. Even if I do have this strange compulsion to carefully stack all my washable wipes (they are doublesided) precisely in line and the same way up. sigh

It sounds like a fairly normal feeling to me. You find yourself spending so much time alternating between feedind and changing the baby that everything else seems to just go out of the window. Then you feel guilty because you feel as though you are not giving enough time and attention to everyone else in the house. Add to that the feeling of guilt because the house is in a total mess and soon you start to feel as though you are somehow failing everybody. You're not!

Dh has a lot of AS traits and although he is absolutely devoted to ds2, I know he was relieved when ds2 started to develop some kind of routine. He didn't even mind doing the night shift so much if he knew roughly when the boys were likely to wake up (always 3am!).

If, like dh, you need a sense of routine and had one firmly in place before the baby came along, the disruption to it and the ensuing changes have probably added to your worry-load.

It really does get better.

Lisa - your ironing made me laugh! Not that I ever iron anything if I can help it.

Don't worry Oaky.
Just take deep breaths when you feel overwhelmed and say well actually the hoovering,ironing, polishing etc can wait indefinatley so I'm going to look after myself. And ask yourself what you can do to make yourself feel better. Often when I have these stressful moments and I think I can't cope, its just because I'm thirsty or hungry, but I'm too busy concentrating on pointless household chores to notice.
Take yourself out of stressful environments for a while, ie, go to park with kids when you realise that you have 50 billion jobs to do. Your kids need you more than the house does.
As for your husband, hmmm, well I'm probably not the best person to answer that. Partly because I'm one of those rare women who believe that men are adults and don't need to be emotionally pampered at every turn. Explain to your husband that for the time being you don't want to be pressured into sex and you would rather spend your free time resting. Tell him to put all his energies into helping his family adjust to a new baby.
Ring around people you like and ask them for help. People like to know that they are needed, they will enjoy it.
Don't believe everything you hear, every mum has these moments, but some people find it a neccesity to hide it.
But first - Put the nappies in the wash! I can't really write that as I'm also staring at over flowing nappy buckets.

Oaky I do that with my wipes, liners, boosters too.

Oakmaiden, I could really relate to your post. I love my dd to bits but when she was born I thought 'what have I done?' many times. My once organised life was thrown into disarray and I had no clue what I was doing - despite dd sleeping quite a lot in the first few weeks, nothing seemed to get done at all! I found the first few months really hard. It started to improve for me when dd got into some kind of routine, and became more responsive so I had some idea if what I was doing was ok! I still don't find it easy but I am fortunate in dh who has been great. And I only have one child! I promise things will get better, hang in there

Oakmaiden, I seem to remember feeling this way when dd was about the same age. Remember thinking that if I fell down the stairs and broke something badly enough to be in hospital then I could get a rest and would feel better!

I can't comment on whether you have PND not having had it myself but your comment about thinking how peaceful it would be to be dead sounds a little worrying. I think you should go and see your doctor.

Biggest hugs to you xxxc

Oakmaiden, your comment about your real fears that your dd will get hut and persistent nightmare thoughts sound exactly like PND to me. And also thinking it would be peaceful to be dead. IMO unless you are really joking I don't think that's 'normal' and OK. I'm really, really sorry you feel so bad. I'm sure that having two can be a total nightmare esp at first but you do sound like being checked for PND might be helpful. Sorry if you think I'm speaking out of turn but that's what I think.

Oakmaiden, I'm so sorry you're feeling so awful. Goodness, babies are boring, so I sympathise with that feeling. Mine is 6 weeks but is still sleeping a lot so we've had a bit of an easier adjustment I'd say. Plus I'm using disposables so that's easier for me but I appreciate you don't want to do that. Could you let yourself use them just for a couple of weeks though, while you sort yourself out? I still had vestiges of the nesting instinct when dd was just born and so I thought my house had to be clean all the time and I really had to keep on top of domestic stuff. I really do think that if I'd have stayed on that road I'd have been pretty peed off by now too. IMO caring deeply about the state of your house when you have 2 children and one of them is new is one of the fastest routes to hysteria. So could you try to cut yourself some slack on that front too? Or at the very least, get someone to help for a little while?

Please don't be offended, but I agree, it does sound as though you're depressed I think. It's not normal to want to be dead or to be quite so worried about the baby. I think a certain amount of worry is normal but it sounds like you realise that your worries aren't rational. If you agree, could you see your GP instead of the (useless sounding) HV? I think you need to tell your husband how you feel too (agree, leave out the feeling sick bit, save it for us) and ask him to help you get better.

Marthamoo, that's an interesting cautionary tale, scares me a bit but thanks for sharing it.

Oakmaiden I agree here with Aloha that these thoughts should be told to your GP or whoever you trust to get some help. Does your husband know how you feel? Utter exhaustion can play tricks on the mind but this sounds like depression. Make an appointment and meanwhile keep talking here. Sending you lots of love.

Poor oakmaiden. It sounds to me like you have really high standards and worry that you aren't coping if you don't match them - I can relate, believe me.

As others have said, it isn't particularly 'normal' to wonder how peaceful it would be to be dead. I think you should definitely talk to your hv or gp. On a practical level, you are NOT defined by your washable nappies, go and wash them then put them away for a fortnight and give yourself a rest with disposables. I would try to force yourself to do something alone for half an hour or just with your ds, leaving the baby with your dh or someone you trust. Tell your dh that you are feeling pretty terrible right now and you'd like to postpone even talking about sex for a month while you get yourself together. HTH x E

Are those thoughts really abnormal? I often worry about the children falling down the stairs, when ever I've had babies I've felt worried that I might trip and squish them. When quesitoned all my friends in the antenatal group agreed that they had same sort of thoughts all the time as well. As long as they don't take over as such I would say that's normal. I'm certainly not depressed although I do worry about what would happen to ds1 if I was to die, probably think about it several times a day.

I remember when I used to go horse riding and the teacher told us to pretend we were assessing our horse to see whether they were suitable for a mother. She explained that when women become mother's thye become more anxious. She said it was biological- made sense to me.

I agree that saying death sounds peaceful is a bit more of a worrying comment, but not if its fleeting, only if it was athougth that was there all the time.

oakmaiden, I can really relate to the nightmare thoughts you have. when dd1 was just a few weeks old we were at a friend's barbeque and I nipped inside to change her nappy and felt VERY uncomfortable when I was even at the other side of the room from the open (2nd floor) window..I thought she was going to fall out/I was going to throw her, I can't remember which was the strongest feeling. I also found it v difficult to leave her with anyone. thankfully these feelings faded and I was able to cope with them by avoiding situations, but I look back now and recognise they were probably 'mild' PND/hormones affecting my thoughts/mental wellbeing. I'm now at work, following maternity leave with dd2 and loving it!
Do you get out much with your baby? I know with my 2nd I used to stay in a lot and catch up on sleep because I felt guilty about going out - I "should" have been tidying up etc. but a stroll/coffee and a few people saying how lovely my baby was used to make me feel a lot better
good luck, and don't be afraid to ask for help.

Yes with young baby's I always worried I might throw them down the stairs. I think its hormones! Our house is quite tall (big drop to garden) and I still sometimes getting a fleeting flash where I imagine one of the falling past the window. Agree that getting out is good.

Issymum don't! I could stay in place like that for a week!