how to tell ds1 his dad is not really his dad

[moonshaddow]

God I'm nervous even writing this annonomously... Anyway here goes.

My ds1 is 6.5, he was the result of a very brief relationship with a man 11 years older than me when I was 18. The guy didn't want to know so I went it alone, until my best friend -and knight in shining armour told me he would always look after me- 7 years later he has kept his word, we are married and have another son (6 months).
To ds1 his dad is his absolute world, we told him a couple of yers ago that he is his special daddy because he didn't make him, he chose him and that he was always my baby first.
He also knows that 'the man who made mummy is called chris and lives in London'- I don't ever see him, and that grandad (my stepdad since a baby) is my special daddy.

The reason we did this is because the 'man who made him' is an as@h@le and will never be worthy of the title -'your other dad' -any fathers for justice people might disagree with me but I'm talking about from ds1's veiwpoint. If I told him he had another dad then he would think he had 2 the same, when actually they are worlds apart and one does'nt even want to know him (thank goodness because he would do him far more harm than good)

The big question- 'so who made me then' hasn't happened yet.
I dread it but am aware that it is around the corner.
What should I do? please epeople be brutally honest.

oh help!

i have the same scenario with my ds1, hes now 12 and his real dad has never laid eyes on him, didnt want to know, he walked out on me and dd when i was 7 weeks preg, but chose to have contact with dd.
as soon as ds was old enough to understand, i explained that h was not his real dad but had brought him up since a baby, and loved him his own. i told ds that h chose to be his daddy which made him extra special and ive always told him, that anyone can be a father but it takes someone special to be a dad. ds knows that if he wants, he could go and find his dad when the times right and i know he is curious, i wont stand in his way if he decides to look for him.

Seems like you've set out the issue clearly to him & he has lots of love from his dad - a big difference between this role & the making a of child. I'd just tell him, as he asks questions, that his dad is there for him whilst his biological dad (must be a better term than this) has chosen to live a life apart from him & you.

Wishing you all the best xxx

youve done the right thing being honest as it would be worst for a child to discover that they are not who they thought they were when they are older.

Thanks for the encouragement spacecadet and milward,
any other advice anyone?
tia
x

I was concieved out of wedlock - my parents dated for few years, my mum fell pg and his parents decided to look the other way - they basically moved away, and decided they are never to see eachother again. So, 18 and alone with a kid - in 1977. My mum married my stepdad in 1978. I thought he was my dad until I was 11. Apparently, she was going to tell me at some point as our surnames are different and I was bound to ask questions (my mum and my stepdad have one surname and I have my real dad's one), but as my real dad suddenly expressed a wish to meet me, she was rushed and had to tell me who he was. I was shocked but as I was older, didn't take it too hard. I think I probably just asked her million questions etc. but nothing more. In that respect, maybe you should wait until your ds is slightly older and can understand all the facts but obviously it's your decision.
As for the actual conversation, she sat me down and said she needed to tell me something important. She then said my stepdad loved me, she loved me and all that other "we will always be here" type thing. She then said he wasn't my biological dad and that my real dad is so and so... She then said he wanted to meet me and asked if I would like to. I was curious so said yes. We went out, he bought me some things, we had food, talked etc. It was weird cause I look like him a lot and I found him unreal. (Un)fortunately, we didn't stay in touch and see eachother every 10 years and speak even less. He's been married few times and has other kids, my stepbrothers / stepsisters... My mum is still married to my stepdad and have been married for 27 years.

My sperm doner split with my mum before I was born

My father met my mum when I was 7, and has been the best father I could have wished for ever since. Sometimes I forget hes not my "real" dad.

I have no intention of ever looking for my biological father, there is no need. My father completes me.

I have 2 younger brothers and he has never treated me any differently

Your OH sounds like a star, you and your sons are lucky to have him, and him you.

I hope your son realises this, and even if he does evantually want to meet this older man, he will still always love his dad

Good luck in whatever happens, Im sure your son will do you proud x

Be honest- it sounds like you've laid the right sort of foundations, bet he's fine with it. I like spacecadets takes someone special to be a dad. There must be simple stories about this for children out there- perhaps the adoption websites have something useful. Mini IQ used to do one about a rabbit who was brought up by cows then hopped off to find its "real" parents and then found out the cows were because they loved him. They don't seem to have a shop online at the moment but you could contact your local agent and ask them if they have a copy. They'd out an order in for you anyway. (if you have any problems CAT me because I know someone who would place an order for you).

Thankyou everybody this is really helpful advice, I do feel less anxious about it now.

what a service this is! -(MN is all new to me)

x