The un-put-downable-baby and other things... need to get this out, can't in RL.

[WeAreSix]

DC4 is just 4 months. Planned baby, as were the others. I felt ready to 'do it all again' and obviously knew what another baby would involve. I had PND after DC1, but not after the others. I'm a bit worried that I'm slipping a bit further than baby blues and that's why I feel like I'm not coping. Anyone in RL would be really shocked if I said all this out loud (I project a very confident, happy image even at my lowest). I need some support, some words of wisdom, and a bit of a reality check!

Baby has been poorly with bronchiolitis. The only way she could sleep was sitting up as she coughed / wheezed badly laying down, even with her carrycot raised at the end. She wasn't great at self-settling before that but she would at least sleep for a while in her carrycot when put down (after being rocked off to sleep). Since being unwell she has become totally dependent on me to sleep, night and day. She breastfeeds 3 - 4 hourly in the day but at night is feeding much more frequently. I am co-sleeping to cope with the amount of feeds. Day time sleeps involve me rocking her off to sleep, trying and failing to get her to lay down. She rarely feeds to sleep.

I am exhausted. I spend the 20 minutes or so she is asleep whizzing around trying to get other jobs done. She is now beginning to grizzle if she is put down when awake to play, or to sit in her bouncy chair while I cook.

Nothing is getting done unless she is crying, and I am beginning to feel more and more sad. Since being on maternity leave I am beginning to realise that I don't really have any real friends - lots of acquaintances but nothing meaningful. I feel isolated and lonely - the first time I have said that I should be happy - I have 4 amazing, gorgeous, healthy children. I just spend my days at home, alone. Sleep is a massive issue, but I'm sure its worse beause I feel low.

I have to do something to change this, don't I?

Yes, to a certain extent you need to try some different things.

But you also just need to get through it as well. Time will pass and things will get better. I know it sounds trite but we really don't remember that when we're in the thick of it.

Ok, obvious things:

1. GP and/or HV about your mood - be HONEST with them.
2. Baby groups - either just baby ones, or toddler groups if you have one of them too (sounds likely).
3. Cleaner/home help/au pair - possible at all?
4. Try to embrace a messy house for a while - cuddling/playing with that child is more important.
5. Partner or GP or friend to give you 2 hours out at the shops/hairdressers or perhaps just in bed. Alone.

Oh yes, forgot to say, I had a baby like this but only my 2nd not 4th!

Can you wear her in a sling or wrap while you cook and do jobs?

You need to ensure you are looking after yourself too op.
Are you eating and drinking regularly?
Getting the chance to shower? Just 5 mins to yourself.
You have so many demands on you just now I imagine pretty normal to feel like this.

I second the sling idea. It really helps. Soon you will be able to wean her which should space out the milk feeds a little.

Get at much support as you can and remember time goes quickly and they change so fast.

Lack of sleep can make everything else seem impossible, IME. I'd make getting some rest a priority (and I know that's far from easy esp with three other children). Can someone take the wee one for a couple of hours so you can get your head down?

Oh and get out as much as you can. Even a walk to the shop hlps. How old are the other children?

Gosh this has taken me right back to my ds, complete velcro baby who wouldn't sleep without me/ in a certain position. It does get easier.

Get as much help as you can. Tell friends and family you'd love a bit of help/ company. Try some different slings/ baby carriers.

Thank you for replies. I'm just about to do school pick up so will reply properly later. I didn't want to post and disappear.

WeAreSix,

Oh mate, I feel for you. DD was the amazing non-sleeping unputdownable baby as well and she drove me to distraction. It's so bloody hard.

Some things that worked for me:

I had a crib in the front room that I put her in. Sometimes it seemed just seeing me would calm her.

I put a beanbag into the crib - It 'hugged' her more than lying her flat on the mattress and again she seemed to settle easier.

I tied her to me with a holiday sarong. I didn't know about wraps or babywearing back then, just sort of tied her across my boobs. It meant I was able to get on with 'stuff'.

I had to leave her to cry. I hated the thought of it, and couldn't do it if I could hear her, but once a day, whilst I had a shower I left her in her crib. I made sure she wasn't hungry or dirty, but knew that nothing was going to happen to her safe in her crib.

Co-Sleeping helped at night. Eventually I was able to feed on my side, lying down, so barely woke when she fed. She was feeding 2 hourly for the first month!

Sod the house. Sleep when baby sleeps, even if its just a capnap on the sofa. It helps enourmously.

If you are cooking etc have the pram/buggy in the room with you. Baby can see you, you can chat to her, but you can get on with things.

A dummy. I didn't want her to have one at first, but it did make a big difference with her settling (and I put a muslin cloth through the end to make it easier to find/hold in.

Oh and finally, Mumsnet. There is ALWAYS someone here to talk to, middle of the night or middle of the day. get yourself an iPhone/Pad whatever and chat whenever you need to. Even if you are just talking crap or reading classics, it helps.

Good luck

My DS was like this after 3 nasty bouts of bronchiolitis in 3 months, at a similar age to your DD.

The only way I could get him to nap for a decent length of time was to breast feed him to sleep in my arms and then put him in his pushchair. I think it was the combination of being semi upright in the seat so he could breathe and being enclosed rather than laying in his crib or on my bed that helped him feel more secure.

Night time was a different matter however and I only got through that by cosleeping for the next 18 months You just need to do whatever you can to get you through. I found that if I could get him to nap well enough for me to get the house in order and prepare a meal and even have a cat nap myself then I could get through the night time crap a little better.

Mine was also my 4th DC, his arrival knocked me sideways. It really wasn't a case of just one more added to the brood, it seemed to double my workload and even now I'm not sure why that is as it is, after all, just one more child

Worth having a chat with your gp, mine was useless and looking back I now know I had PND which never was treated.

Thank you again.

Had a better night. I'm going to tell DH this evening - haven't said anything so far as he's under a lot of stress at work.

Difficult to reply properly on crappy phone, sorry!

I appreciate the support, thank you x

Wearesix. Wow! You must be superwoman! 4 DC. I have two and I am drowning.

My first, DD, was a clingon baby. For the first 6 months I couldn't put her down and she didn't like being held by anyone but me now even DH! Just wanted mummy all the time. I feel for you. It's hard work. Good news is that DD sat by herself just before 6 months. And that was it. She just wanted to sit and play. Joy my arms had some freedom again. Fingers crossed your DD will sit in the next 6 weeks and then you will get your hands back.

My second, DS, was the opposite. Would sit anywhere with anyone. Great. But he is now 17 months and a complete nightmare with sleep. Argh. He was a fab sleeper till he turned 6 months old and its been getting worse ever since. DD was hard until six months.

My tinpot theory is that if a baby starts off like my DD, clingy and hard work with sleep, it will improve vastly around 6 months. DS was sneaky. It all started so well and in addition to bad sleeping he is now very clingy with me and I can't get a moments peace.

I hope that sort of made sense to you.

And btw I don't have friends either just acquaintances. And most of those now live an hours drive away or more. Unless i talk to shop assistants or the post man, i literally go days without talking to another adult if DH is away on business. I am a total Billy no mates but I intend to work on it. I started yesterday by being brave and chatting to a mum in the playground with similar age DCs. It was a bit forced and awkward at first but it ended up flowing better at the end and we have arranged to meet up with the DC later in the week at soft play. Not a friend yet but who knows.

I know it's all easy for me to say as I only have two DC.

Poor you. Hugs. I think you are amazing to have 4 kids.
If you can bear it, as the other posters suggest, try just "wear" the baby - a loathesome expression - but it sums up that you forget about the baby. I put mine in a meitai for about 6 months solid (except, as someone said, for showering). They are very comfortable, washable, light, available second hand, you can bf in them, and useable until the baby is a toddler (though by then you will be using it occasionally, and on your back - don't worry, you will not be wearing your baby for ever, only while it is little and light).

Whether you use a Meitai or other carrier, they helped me a lot because I found that a big stress was trying to put the baby down, and inevitably being called back by wailing and squawking. Looking after a toddler with a sleepy baby on your chest is quite nice, certainly better than being howled at. If your other dcs are out or otherwise engaged you can even curl up in an armchair and nap yourself, you are more likely to get some rest like this than trying to put the baby down (disclaimer, someone will prob come on now and say this is VERY DANGEROUS but I don't mean real sleep, just sort of closed-eye down-time).

Bronchiolotis is a big eveil GIT. Have you got all the drugs? when my dd1 had it she was on anti-bs, calpol, and an oral version of ventolin. The last really helped her breathing. It's horrible. Sympathies to you and your baby.

While the baby is snoozing on your chest, make a big cup of coffee and sit down to do a huge online shop. Buy ready meals for a week, or as many weeks as will fit in your freezer. Get some nice chocolate and some wine. Get as few things as possible that need any sort of preparation and as many things as possible that can just be eaten: stuffed pasta, pesto, pieminster pies, bagged salad, baked beans to go on baked spuds, covent garden soups, that sort of thing. Arrange for it to arrive at a time your husband is in and get him to put it all away. Set up a weekly delivery slot and then you will just have to do "maintenance tinkering" on a weekly basis.

Get someone to take the baby out, and have a nap. Even as a one-off it will really help. Don't be fobbed off with you being sent out to "have fun". You need a rest, in your own bed. Even if your dh or whoever is pounding the streets with a pram for two hours solid, do not let them complain about it. You need that two hours.

Get into a really good DVD box set. You can watch this in the evenings when your older kids are asleep with your baby on your chest in the meitai if necessary. this will feel like something to look forward to even if the baby is still with you, even better if your dh gets into it too and you can hold hands and pretend you are at the cinema. But better, because it is a series so there is always something nice to look forward to at the end of the day. What sort of thing are you into? Have you seen (not really focusing on current stuff, just stuff I have really enjoyed): The Wire; 6 Feet Under; Buffy; Deadwood; Justified? These are things I like but you go for SATC or Morse or whatever floats your boat.

VERY VERY BEST OF BLOODY GOOD LUCK TO YOU, YOU ARE A HERO

Thank you all once more for your kind words and support.

Superwoman I don't think so! Not a hero either, but nice to hear anyway.

You've all given me some super advice. I will dig out my wrap sling and she if she will settle in that. Definitely didn't like it as a newborn!

The good news is that for the past 45 minutes baby has been fast asleep... In her carrycot :) DH is going to do some work & keep an eye on her while I snuggle in bed (alone!!! Can you imagine!!!) and he will bring her up for the next feed.

So it's a quick post because I'm dashing off to bed.

P.s. I thought you were a nest of vipers??!! Nicest vipers I've ever met...

can you get a wrap or sling?
then your baby can snuggled nexto to you while you carry on.
it's the only solution i can think if that means you don't have to feel guilty about putting her down.

we co-sleep because dd feeds all night too.

xpost

Just to offer support & agree with other posters.

Also wanted to add that for me, handing baby to DH while I took a lovely shower was the best thing ever. And I felt better for it all day.

Aah...

Enjoy the sleep

I'll try the wrap again. She hated it when tiny! My other problem with it is I'm a petite 5'2" shortarse and baby is a whopping 15+lbs and in 6-9 months clothes at 4 months. She's hard to carry all the time in one position.

Anyway, I got through today which was a mission with the other DCs who were all in vile moods!!

I too think you must be amazing. Hell, I only have 2 and if they are clean, fed and in one piece by the end of the day I think I am a hero.

My first was unputdownable. Didn't have so much as a wee by myself for years. I'd agree with temporarily giving up on putting baby down for naps. Will she snooze in a buggy/pram? Can you time a trip out with the others to coincide? Are the other 3 out at nursery/school? If so, can you do something nice for you with just the baby in the sling? I am crap at cot naps, instead I use nap times to go out for coffee, browse in shops, planning to go to an exhibition next week - grown up stuff for me.

Not really useful advice, just sympathy!

Also, my dd is happier sitting in a highchair while I cook as she can see me - not long till you can do that. Another thing that helped with dd was I always got a shower whether she liked it or not - first with her in bouncy chair, briefly a bouncer, then rolling around on babyproofed bathroom floor. When she was older I used to sit her in the bath while I showered, killing 2 birds with one stone - both clean!

Oh, and going to bed really early a couple nights a week has worked wonders.

Best of luck

My fourth was very similar at bedtime, not so bad during the day. He found his thumb which was a blessing.

I used to make sure we were out as much as possible during the day, so he wasn't used to being carried around, but had to sit in his pushchair and watch the world go by.

If you're struggling you must tell your husband. It's always easier when they know you're struggling, you're a couple, you should work together.

It does get better, honestly.

Hope you're sleeping peacefully now.

No great advice but I know how you ffeel.

How old are your other dc?

Ask for help if you need it. I would be more than willing to help someone out whether I knew them very well or not and certainly wouldn't think any less of you.

You're exhausted - sleep deprivation isn't used as torture for no reason. Rest whenever you can - maybe try a relaxing sounds app with headphones that you can listen to even if baby is sleeping / feeding?

Hello!

I can't believe this.... baby is ASLEEP! In her carrycot and has been there for nearly an hour. Wow. She's had a bounce in a jumperoo this morning - maybe tired herself out?! I know I should be asleep too but taking the opportunity to tidy up. I can't relax when the house is untidy :)

My other DCs are 9, 7 and 5. My 5yo has mild SENs and has been a bit challenging in the last few days. Monday was just a bad day - grey, miserable weather and a grizzly baby. Doesn't add up to a happy feeling, does it?

I chatted to one of the school mums on the way home. She has a young baby too - she was very easy to talk to and I cautiously mentioned that I was feeling a bit low. Had a lovely chat with her and 'compared notes'. Feeling more normal after that.

Confided in DH. He's been fab and very supportive. He's going to try and get home from work a bit earlier tonight to give me a hand with tea time - that's one of the hardest parts of my day so a welcome relief.

Thanks again for all of the encouragement. It means a lot that you've all taken the time to reply and share tips.