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Still not sure if sufficiently maternal towards DD.

2 replies

mildgreenliquidfairy · 03/12/2012 03:28

(I've posted on MN under a different name before, but namechanged here because I'm embarrassed about what a miserable old bitch this will make me seem.)

DD is 13 months now, but I feel like I still haven't learned how to connect with her. DH has very flexible working hours, which means that over the last year he's been able to spend lots of time with her. When he's around (which usually includes the whole weekend) I prefer to let him play with her as much of the time as possible.

On Sunday evenings I dread being left alone with her again, partly because I find it hard to think of ways to keep her entertained. We moved to DH's home country when she was very little (we're going to be in this city for another few months, then we'll be moving again to another town here) and a lot of the time I don't want to go out with her, to the park or library or anywhere else, because I just don't feel like making small talk with other parents or talking to small children. (But nor do I want to be the one parent on her own when all the other parents are standing around chatting to each other!) I just spend most of the time waiting for her to take a nap, when I can escape online.

I think that I love DD, although I've never felt that overwhelming rush of love that parental love is meant to feel like. I definitely like her, and I think she's smart and funny. And I do all the things that a parent is meant to do - she's well-fed and breastfed and warm, we still co-sleep. But I just feel kind of detached from her, even indifferent at times. DH was the one to see her first steps, and that doesn't bother me. I sometimes feel like I'd function better as one of those distant Victorian mothers, who comes into the nursery twice a day to check up on their child and then leaves them with a nursemaid the rest of the time, but I know that's not the parenting ideal nowadays!

Not sure what I'm asking here, really - I guess just: have other parents felt like this? Did it pass? And will I be damaging her for life if I'm still not feeling like a proper mother?

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
WinklyVersusTheZombies · 03/12/2012 04:24

If all her material needs are met, and she gets physical affection, and you think your 13mo is smart and funny, then it sounds to me like you're doing just fine. Honestly, (this may sound rude!), 13mo children are still babies and most of them are pretty tedious to everyone except those that really love them.

Rambling a bit here. It's clear she's loved, and looked after, and perhaps you might find it a bit easier to entertain her as she grows older and gets more communicative.

You certainly won't be damaging her because you don't enjoy other people's boring babies. Don't be so hard on yourself.

MoelFammau · 03/12/2012 11:00

I'm not maternal. It changed a lot for me when DD turned 17-18mo. She became a person overnight and suddenly I could connect with her. It'll get better!

Can't deal with other folk's kids at all. I'm nice to them but it feels like an effort!

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