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Original poster

Am I a selfish mum....?

14 replies

Lynley · 08/04/2006 16:36

By being perfectly happy to have one child. DS has mixed with other children from an early age and plays and shares fine. I get fed up with remarks like 'just the one then'. Both DP and myself have a sibling each - that hasn't influenced our decision either way. I just feel as if society considers it unfair not to have more than one child, I'm made to feel guilty. I wonder if I am selfish - but I feel I'de be very selfish if I had another child just for DS to have a brother or sister. I just wondered if anyone else has had a similar experience.

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calpopscalum · 08/04/2006 16:40

A lot of my friends have decided to stop at one - they feel they can offer more to that 1 child and always make sure their child is mixing with others. I have 2 and love it but that's what works for us! Every family is different and if you are happy with that then it's up to you, you aren't being selfish. Only problem with having 1 child is when you get old they don't have anyone to share the grannycare with! My mum (an only child) is suffering from this at the moment!!

jambot · 08/04/2006 16:42

I have only the one dd (13 months) People are already asking when the 2nd's on the way. To be honest I really don't know if I want 2. I adore my daughter but don't seriously feel the strong desire for more than one. I'm an only child and grew up perfectly ok. Don't think it's cruel to only have one. It is different having no siblings, and only at this time in my life do I wish that I had brothers or sisters, but it's not the end of the world. My DH def. wants 2 so we shall see what happens.
Don't feel guilty. It's nobody's choice but your own.

koolkat · 08/04/2006 17:00

DH and I have only the one DS. We are both 38 and we feel we don't want any more. I have lots of different reasons, one of them is age the other is I am setting up my own business and I don't feel I can look after 2 or 3 children when I am going to be very busy running the business.

I think I would be very unhappy if I had more children and then got a nanny to look after them because I wouldn't have the time to do it myself. For me personally (no criticism of other people who do it) putting very young children in nursery or having other child care arrangments is not something I would be happy with. With only one child I will be able to stay with him until he is school age and never have to worry about younger children.

I know plenty of people who have siblings they can't stand and they never meet.

According to research, only children tend to be extremely confident and bright and usually very successful

Sod society, it's you choice, don't accept criticism, be happy !

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Blackduck · 08/04/2006 17:41

Nope - its your decision....I have also had the 'one is lonely' argument and point out that I know siblings who hate one another, just cos you have two doesn't mean they will play together/keep each other company etc. My ds mixes very well etc. My bigger concern is no-one who is a close friend has small children, so when we go out to friends he spends alot of time in adult company...

Sparklemagic · 08/04/2006 18:13

Lynley, I have one DS who we have decided will remain a 'singleton'.

I would say go with your gut feeling - if you and your DH feel your family is complete, then it is! Be strong and do not be influenced. It's your life,and your family. People in general can be quite threatened by anything slightly out of the ordinary so trot out the old cliches, but I feel parents who are thoughtful about the impact of being a singleton as you are, are sensitive enough to any difficulties the child may face, thus reducing any difficulties anyway. As you say you have ensured your DS mixes and shares well.

I love being able to focus completely on one child, and know I would feel stressed by having to divide my attention, and wouldn't be able to be the kind of mum I naturally am, eg very attentive and nurturing. Of course mums of more than one can be attentive and nurturing, I'm just saying I would find it so stressful it would make me not such a good mum as I feel I am to my DS. It's about knowing yourself and what makes you best able to give your best parenting.

I have a brother, and we were very close indeed as children, so I know the profound bond siblings can have - and I still think it's OK to miss out on this. It's good, but not so good that I felt I had to give it to my DS, if you see what I mean.

As DS gets older, I do find that as parents our relationship is full-on in every way. We are his daily playmates as well as everything else, so sometimes the play he would be doing with another child focuses around us, which means child and parent don't get so much of a distance between them as they can if child is occupied with two or so siblings!

However I do realise the plus points of being an only - financially I have not had to use childcare for DS, have been able to be a mostly SAHM, can focus on his needs and personality, and in future will be able to let him pursue pretty much any hobbies or interests, no matter how costly or time consuming to get to and from.

sorry such a long post but it's something I have thought LONG and hard about!

Original poster

Lynley · 08/04/2006 18:46

Thank you for the replies. I am a fairly strong, assertive person but possibly a bit over sensitive about this, so your very helpful advice and opinions are great! We are a very close, loving family - and that's all that matters isn't it, thank you all again!

OP posts:

izzybiz · 08/04/2006 18:47

i have 2 children now, but my Ds was an only for 11 years, we were talking this morning, and i asked him if he ever wished that hed had a brother or sister closer to his own age. He said no, that would have meant room sharing, toy sharing etc, he was quite happy on his own, i always made sure he was allowed friends round.
He was chuffed to bits when i got pregnant though, but obviously the relationship he has with his sister is different because of the big age gap, it works perfectly. I think hes had the best of both worlds.

ele2 · 09/04/2006 22:16

I think one of the strangest things about this is the way people think its ok to ask and comment on whether someone is having another child. I had some problems conceiving my son now 15 months and am amazed at how people seem to think its fine to ask when number 2 is coming. I may or may not get pregnant again and don't wish to discuss it with everyone. Why do people think they have a right to comment on other peoples lives in this way?

WestCountryLass · 09/04/2006 22:43

If you are happy and don't want another baby then don't let other peoples ideas get to you. If you have 2 people ask if you are going to have a third so it doesn't stop with baby no 2.

christie1 · 09/04/2006 23:48

I have 5 and people ask me if I am going to have another (and as my mother in law says, I am no spring chicken) anyway, go with your instinct. You are not selfish. I could torment myself thinking I am selfish for spreading my attention too thin. A happy loving family is a happy loving family whatever the size in my view.

kama · 09/04/2006 23:48

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kama · 09/04/2006 23:49

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brimfull · 10/04/2006 01:27

izzybiz,I too have an 11 yr age gap.DD says she enjoyed her time as on onlie before ds surprised us.

She obviously loves her brother but in all the years she was an onlie she never missed out any company,always had loads of friends round.We chose to stay living in an area with loads of kids as neighbours because she was an onlie and it really helped.

People used to always ask if I was going to have a 2nd .Would shut them up by saying I was infertile.They stopped asking after about6 yrs.

threebob · 10/04/2006 01:43

We have a 3 yr old ds and I had a coil fitted when he was 2.5 as I was sure I didn't want any more. Like koolkat I have started my own business, which I am really enjoying, have a wonderful time with ds, and I think our family is very happy with 3 people in it. I am one of 2 and dh is one of 3.

I'm sure there are loads of advantages to only having one but I never say them, because then people with more than one counter with their version and so it goes. It's a little like those women in magazine articles on "I don't ever want children", who come up with all these reasons and I think "but you might not feel like that if you had one".

Only having one is something I am firm about - however I am prepared to change my mind at some point, for dh to change his or to fall pg by accident, so I don't want all the things I said to be parroted back to me.

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