I have found out that i could be the Father of a 16 year old boy.

[heathyboy1966]

I will try to keep this short as possible. I was married 17 years ago, my wife was Pregnant everything was fine. Then when she was 3 months things went wrong, she changed got nasty etc. I found out she was having an affair. We split up, she remained firm that i was the childs dad and her friend backed that up saying she didnt start seeing this guy till she was 3 months pregnant along with her new boyfriend.
When the baby was born they then told me i was not the Father, I demanded a DNA, i then had theats that they would move away and i wouldnt find them etc. I tried and tried for 2 years to get to see the child and get a DNA. I then waited hoping they would split up and the truth would come out in the end. Well it hasnt and i lost touch with them, I have recently found them again though the internet and have got photos of the boy who is now almost 17. He looks very much like me and nothing like her boyfriend, now husband. Having done futher investigation her best friend told me they where going to bring him up as his as they didnt want a broken family etc. I am guessing this child knows nothing of me. I went through hell all those years ago trying to get a DNA. My question is this boy is settled in his family they are pretty well off nice house he has had a very good up bringing etc. Do you think i should make contact and explain what happned all those years ago? I would love to try and build some sort of relaltionship with him, If he wants to of course. But the other side of me does not want to hurt him as this will devistate him me telling him that there is a very strong possibilty that i am his biological Dad. I am a decent guy hard working and have a family of my own too. My boy is 7 and my Girl is 6, i do not want to hurt them either. This is really killing me inside am very unsure what to do for the best. One side of my is saying he deserves to know and the other side is saying i should leave him in his happy life. Any imput would be great :(

heck, this is tricky.
I am tempted to say leave it alone, but you said that it is killing you inside.

I think the boy has a right to know.
Do you know for sure if he is happy?

I really don't know. I think I would write a letter to his mother telling her that she must tell him, or you will. What if fate conspires and he meets your daughter in fifteen years time, and they want to get married? They are half siblings, this must come out.

He seems very happy, it's hard I think it must come out with a DNA test, if he will agree to this. He may not be interested when he's told as he must love his dad who brought him up. Maybe a word with his mum although I can not se her being co operative. I would need a DNA for sure.

Write to his mother asking that she lets him have your contact details when and if he's told about you.

What a difficult situation. What does your DW think?

i think he deserves to know the truth and a chance to make a relationship with his half siblings. His childhood may not have been as good as it seems.

DW is fine she said that as long as our kids don't get upset knowing they have a half brother she will be fine. I am 50/50 if he is mine but if what I have been told is true then he is for sure. The photos look like me, and again I can't see her being very helpful.

do you know your ex wifes address etc? did you before?
i think, i would consult a solicitor in the first instance regards the dna etc. you could potentially be making a huge mistake - what if he isnt your biological child? (i know but just for the sake of argument)

i would look at all the legal implications first and then tread really really carefully. he may not thank you, especially initially. this could shatter his world and everything he has believed, its a huge secret to have kept for 17 years.

i cant help wondering why, if you suspected he might be yours, you didnt consult a solicitor, or try to trace him much much earlier? why wait to tell him now he is 17? this is going to go one of two ways.

fwiw, i have no idea who my biological father is -and yes, i would love to know, but its still one hell of a bombshell to drop on a 17 yr old kid.

tried and tried for two years to get a DNA?

What did your solicitor say at the time? Was there a reason she was allowed to refuse the paternity test?

Look, without being funny, you let it go. You didn't force the issue, you walked away and didn't make any attempt to pay maintenance for a kid you thought was yours.

This isn't new - you knew she was pg, you knew there was a chance he was yours. Why are you suddenly trying to drag all this up again now?

Her husband probably knows that his son is not his, and could intervene if there were potential conflicts re paternity. Who is to say they haven't told the boy anyway, and he isn't remotely interested?

I think your motives sound very selfish, and I am confused by your sudden interest, given that you have known for the last 17 years and not managed to fight for custody or pay any maintenance....

Address your own motives and timings before you start stirring things up.

i think thats what i was thinking madwoman

i would act in this boys best interests now i think and take time to find out what that means.

It is not about you, but the 16 year-old boy.
Put yourself in his shoes and think how you would feel at his age if a strange man told you he could be your father? Or your parents told you they had always known and lied to you, or held the truth from you.

I think 16 is not the right age - a teenager. He may not be your son.

I would wait until he is older.

I did see a solicitor and was going to force a dna test until she said to me if I do she will move 300 miles away and I will never find them. I left it in the hope it would come out in the end. It didn't, I had to move with my job 200 miles away they moved house. I didn't have a clue where they went. I am far from selfish as I am thinking hard about this. It's all about the boy not me. So the reason I stopped the dna test was the threat that she will move away and I would never have any chance. Was very difficult at the time and I did try very hard to get it sorted. I have only just found where they live through a network site.

sorry, but no.
the truth is you are quite full of fairly bad excuses - there is no way that if that child had been yours she could have moved anywhere to stop you seeing him and im sure if you really did consult a solicitor that you knew that.

you let it go.
now its come back to haunt you and you maybe do want to do the right thing - unfortunately its 16 years too late. Your wife may have been the biggest bitch on the planet but you bear some responsibility in letting it go. A father who wants to know if a child is his finds out - a father who wants to be in his childs life fights to stay and be in that childs life. You didnt do either - it all sounds terribly half hearted if im honest. And now you want to rock up 16 years later and say - well thats the interesting bit isnt it - say what exactly? you knew she was pregnant and you knew the boy could be yours.

in my experience boys are far less forgiving of absent fathers than girls are. Im not saying this boy doesnt deserve to know the truth, ime both you and his mother have let him down in not telling him the truth if indeed you are his father, but i think you need to stop pretending you are the wronged party in this. I think there is plenty you could have done at the very beginning but it sounds like you gave up.
squaring that one to a 16 yr old boy isnt going to be easy. This, as in your absence, is not all your ex wifes fault by any stretch and if you even try to suggest to this boy that it is you will alienate him very quickly.

She said if you push for the DNA then you will lose any chance there is to be a dad. Well, that didn't work out so good did it as you lost him anyway.

You need to see a solicitor and get proper advice.

I think too many people are growing up not knowing who they really are and too many lies are being told.

My father was a shit and has done fuck all but knowing who I am means something to me (even though I have no family in my life.) If I had no family and didn't know who half my parents were it would be pretty grim.

Hand on heart op, did you try your hardest in this situation?
Only asking because that would be one of the questions your, if he is yours, 17 year old boy will ask.

Not sure that if the answer is no, that that should stop you seeing him though.

I am trying to imagine being that boy. Would he want to know about you. I would , but not all 17 year old boys would I am guessing.
Is he in the last year of A Levels?

Sorry. Just realised that he is 16.

I do not understand your ex's behaviour at all. I did not say you were being selfish, I meant that you were not being entirely objective regarding the effect on the boy at his vulnerable age of 16.

Of course your ex should not have lied to you, if he is your son.
My opinion remains that you bide your time as the boy is at a too vulnerable age.

Good luck for the future

I wonder why your ex was so desperate to keep you out of her and the childs life...

I think you need to let this lie.

You opted to NOT force the issue back then, and have been happy to not be a dad, it is unfair of the child to now suddenly rock the boat.

Sorry, the ship has actually sailed.

Cant see anything good coming out of this. You will be a price twat to swoop in now. Selfish.

sorry, that should read "unfair for the child"

what do you think the boy would gain from this? He has a father - the man who has brought him up. You are going to disrupt his entire life for no good reason.

I do believe children have a right to the truth but only when they are mature enough to handle it and that is not at 16.

Are you going to offer to fund his university education if he wants one? Or did you wait until he was 16 because you thought you wouldn't have to contribute to his upbringing?

Knowing who my biological father is means nothing to me - just another perspective!

However, I do know that my dad is not my biological father, which is I think the sensible way to do things.

Poor boy...

And I think children should actually know the truth from the off. Had I found out at, what do you think would be the right age, 18?, then I think I would have been devastated.

I was willing to pay for my child and wanted to pay, she i believe wanted me off the scene for her own selfish reasons of she didn't want a broken family and going off with her boss while pregnant with my child. Very wierd situation, I spent ever penny I had to try and get things sorted I am not a shirker when it comes to facing up to my responsibilitys. I made the wrong choice and not pressuring more for a dna. I was scared that she would move and I would then not see him. In hyndsight how wrong was I. This should have been cleared up back then. I have got on with my life and always hoped he would know or it would come out one day. I will have to sit on this and think what's best for the boy. I do not want to ruin his life. My ex wife could not fault me i am a decent guy, her motive for doing what she done I'm told was to have a family with one man not 2. Thanks for your comments it helps to have input

I think it's just an ego thing, tbh.

You run the risk of breaking up two families, without even knowing if you are the father.

I do understand that you must have been gutted to be the unwanted one when you split up, and you had at least a couple of months of assuming you were going to be a father, so to have all that taken away from you must have been hard to take.

I'm not buying the 'I didn't pursue the paternity test because she said she'd leave" line though. It's frankly bollocks. If a paternity test proved the child was yours, you could have pursued custody. No solicitor that you spoke to (if indeed you ever spoke to one) would have told you to accept her calling the shots. Especially when you were paying them to determine paternity and subsequently custody.

And, um, why, if you were only doing what you were told, did you not go back to the solicitor again and start your paternity/ custody claim again when they actually moved away?

It sounds as though you seeing a photo or two has reinforced the idea that something that belongs to you has been taken away, and the old ego is bruised again.

This is purely selfish.

Write your ex wife a letter and give her your contact details. That way if she or the child want to get in touch, they can.

Can you afford uni fees? I mean, having not paid an ounce of maintenance along the way, I assume you have been saving it up for the glorious moment you are reunited, knowing how old your son is, what life stage he is at, etc?

Sadly they didn't want you then, they are unlikely to thank you for barging in and ruining their lives now.

I think you missed your chance. Too little, too late, and all that.

But do write to her and offer another paternity test and contact details if she ever wants to resurrect the debate.

Or, y'know, just become yet another fb/ friends reunited marriage break-up statistic.