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Original poster

11 yr old DS says he wants to kill himself - being dramatic or a real possibility?

46 replies

redandblack · 26/11/2012 11:20

DS has had bads bouts of anxiety this year and it has built up to a head over last few weeks - NHS not much help so scraped together money to go private and seen doctor at weekend. DS fine and happy at home but has meltdown about going to school or sometimes just going to his dads (who he adores) and says he can't manage it.

This suggestion he will harm himself - is it a dramatic card he plays because he know I hate it when he says it or is it a real possibility a child that age would do something bad? School advise me to be firm and ignore it, doc says we will 'work' on it...

OP posts:
Pagwatch · 26/11/2012 11:22

If he has anxiety and is seeing a Doctor then I would not dismiss it as dramatic. What did the Dr say you should do?

VivaLeBeaver · 26/11/2012 11:29

I've no experience but my gut feeling is that the school are silly to say ignore it.

I'm sure that for the majority who threaten it they don't carry out that threat, but some do. Even at such a young age.

Even if he doesn't really intend to carry it out, it's a cry for help.

I'm sure someone will be along with better advice on what to actually do, but don't ignore it.

Marne · 26/11/2012 11:29

My dd1 (8.5) often says 'she's going to kill herself' of 'she wants to die', with my dd i know its just a attention thing (a card she can play to get what she wants), my dd has Aspergers syndrome and possably ADD, she suffers with anxiety too Sad, the threats often come when she's having a meltdown, not getting her own way or if her sister (also autistic) is getting attention. We do try to ignore it but last time she went a bit to far (going into details of how she was going to do it and started shouting abuse at us), i took her for a drive in the car and explained how she had upset us and what taking your own life realy ment (dh's mum took her own life so dh found the threats quite upsetting), she explained to me 'that she only said it because she was angry and wanted our attention', sinse our little chat she has not mentioned 'taking her own life'.

If you are worried then take him to your gp, it probably is a attention thing but he may need help with his anxiety issues.

PropositionJoe · 26/11/2012 11:32

It definitely can be attention seeking. DS2 used to say this at around 10yo iirc. So it needn't be worrying, but in a child who has anxiety issues requiring medical help, I don't think you can completely ignore it.

cory · 26/11/2012 11:43

He sounds very unhappy so I wouldn't even stop to think about whether this particular expression of unhappiness is "real" or not- in a sense that doesn't matter. What matters is that he is having these anxiety attacks and they are interfering with his quality of life; this is one way of crying out for help, that part of it is genuine beyond doubt, that is what you've got to focus on.

Dd has promised me not to attempt suicide again. She may well keep that promise. It doesn't make me any less anxious to seek help for her, because I don't want to see her suffering like that, regardless of what she does with it.

I'm not impressed with your school tbh. When I told dd's school that she was cutting herself they were straight onto the mental health team because in their opinion a cry for help should not be ignored. And help came and dd was given the tools to handle her anxiety and whether she would one day have died in a suicide attempt or not is neither here nor there.

Original poster
redandblack · 26/11/2012 11:46

DS is getting medical help - at last after GP says waiting list 8 months and school unable to help with councelling I have gone private and he has had one meeting with them so far. We will continue to work hard on the anxiety issues and I am sure we can beat it but when DS talks about harming himself I get so worried and it scares me. I don't think when he is thinking straight it would enter his head, he is generally a happy boy with a good life, plenty of friends and interests but when the anxiety hits it completely swamps him. If I knew he was just trying to express how bad he felt but had no intention of doing anything it would be horrible to hear but ok.

Right now I wonder if I force him to do things (such as go to school which of course he has to) then I am not listening to how distressed he is and he might do something silly in the heat of the moment. Do 11 year old ever actually do themselves such harm? I just don't know how to play it when he says that.

OP posts:
mcmooncup · 26/11/2012 11:49

Do you know what is causing his anxiety?

Maryz · 26/11/2012 11:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChippingInLovesAutumn · 26/11/2012 11:57

Kids sometimes say it for effect - they know it gets attention & gets them out of doing things they don't want to do.

However, my friends son had a friend who committed suicide at 11 so I wouldn't rule it out. Friends wee friend seemed happy at home and at school :(

Given your sons anxiety I would be concerned - you just never know and better to err on the side of caution. I would also be worried about him 'attempting' it to get attention and it going wrong.

Of course it's not ideal if he's missing school but really, it's nothing that can't be made up for over the course of his life. If the school aren't supportive of you keeping him at home when you need to, then you need to have stern words with them if that doesn't work home school.

I hope his therapist can help him and quickly. It's really sad to hear about a child suffering like this :( and of course it's hard to hear how it's upsetting you.

Maryz · 26/11/2012 11:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChippingInLovesAutumn · 26/11/2012 11:59

MaryZ :(

Pagwatch · 26/11/2012 12:00

Mcmooncup

My son has anxiety. It isn't caused by anything. He just has it. Like depression.

mcmooncup · 26/11/2012 12:02

I agree with Maryz.
It is so important that you listen to your ds.
And understand what is going on.
People who have said to just dismiss this 'attention seeking' behaviour.......can you see how ludicrous that is? This is a child, not equipped to be able to perfectly non-confrontationally articulate what he is feeling.....'attention seeking' behaviour is the only clue we are often given to try and decipher the hurt that is going on.

mcmooncup · 26/11/2012 12:05

Pag.
I'm sorry your son suffers with anxiety.
My experience is that anxiety is a coping strategy, and there is generally something behind that. Can be hugely difficult to uncover though.

Original poster
redandblack · 26/11/2012 12:11

We don't really know why he is feeling anxious, he says himself he doesn't understand it - it is just there. He says with one breath that he hates school then the next he can tell you all the teachers are kind, he has made good friends and he really enjoys some of the lessons - I think he is confused himself where it come from.

He took it hard when his dad left when he was 5, but still has a strong relationship with him and sees him three times a week - we all get on really well, including with his new partner. Still never easy for a child though. I was very unwell for almost 3 years and was misdiagnosed and had to fight for treatment, getting operation that cured me last year - was struggling with mobility and fatigue for a long time and had a couple of spells in hospital - DS found all this really unsettling of course. Maybe it was these factors, maybe he is just unlucky in that it is just in his make up.

School is ok, they have been supportive in allowing him to miss some lessons when he is struggling, having a quiet place to go to work instead. They phoned me up to tell me off today though as the only way I got DS to leave with me to go to school was to promise it as just for the morning and I would pick him up at lunchtime - a smaller amount of time that he thought he could manage. They said he need s to be in all day and avoiding school/lessons is just going to make things worse in the long run. I insisted today though as I gave my DS my word and I need him to trust me - so off to pick him up soon.

OP posts:
mcmooncup · 26/11/2012 12:16

All the adversities you have described could cause him anxiety.
The issue is those are all your words.
A good family therapist perhaps through CAMHs (possible because he is talking about killing himself) might help him find his own words to express how he feels about the things that have happened, and then be heard

cory · 26/11/2012 12:16

mcmooncup, anxiety can also be genetic. It runs in my family: my mum had it quite badly, I'm not as bad, dd is completely crippled by it. They also share other medical issues.

agree with Maryz about talking, they need to feel they can talk about it

cory · 26/11/2012 12:18

meant to say: sounds like you are doing a lot of the right things: making sure he gets counselling, keeping your promises to him, being firm with the school about what he can and cannot do

fwiw dd is now doing a staggered part-time return to school; it's a long haul but she will get there

or at least, she's still alive...

ChippingInLovesAutumn · 26/11/2012 12:19

Is he under any pressure at school to 'do well' whether that's exams or just to be 'at the top' or 'always get A's' - sometimes when we think we are encouraging them, we are putting pressure on them - especially if they appear to do well without too much effort?

He says he's made good friends, which is great, but are there any kids who are making his unhappy? Whether it's 'bullying' or just sort of low grade whittering??

Is he worried his Dad and his partner will have children and he will lose the close relationship he has with his Dad?

Is he worried you will get ill again? (I'm so pleased you are OK now!!)

I think you need to tell the school that actually you will be the one to determine what he needs right now. Tell them that you understand his schooling is important, but right now his mental health is far more important.

You know him - do you think he's using it to manipulate you or do you think he does feel 'that bad' sometimes??

cory · 26/11/2012 12:20

in dd's case, she had years of counselling about learning to express what had happened to her in the past and how that had affected her and it didn't make any difference to her

in the end, she said herself that what she needed was a different counsellor who could help her focus on the present and how to deal with that; so she got a more CBT-based one and that has helped

ChippingInLovesAutumn · 26/11/2012 12:20

Cory - that's the bottom line isn't it - she's alive. Schooling is important but pales in comparison.

Pagwatch · 26/11/2012 12:21

Mcmooncup

Of course. Thanks. Ds2s asd makes it especially difficult to figure what is going on. I was just trying to avoid the op assuming that there needs to be a reason why her son has anxiety.

ChippingInLovesAutumn · 26/11/2012 12:21

How old is your DD now Cory?

NanFucker · 26/11/2012 12:35

Am watching this with interest as dd (7!) has been diagnosed with anxiety and depression. Her teachers thought she might be on the spectrum but the psychologist has said probably not (although we are getting retested at the moment).

She doesn't want to go to school Sad, we're in constant contact with them and her teacher, doesn't seem to be any bullying etc, she sees the psychologist once a week but they can't tell us if an event 'triggered' the anxiety.

OCD and depression run in my family so maybe its genetic. She has mentioned 'wanting to die' in the past, we're worried sick Sad

cory · 26/11/2012 12:39

She's 16, Chipping: still struggling with anxiety, still struggling with school attendance, still struggling with general health (spent Saturday evening in A&E hooked up to a drip due to a UTI which has failed to respond to 3 consecutive courses of antiobiotics)- but still alive and clinging onto the hope that one day she will have a better quality of life.

What she says herself is "it's hard work being me, I need the tools to deal with it".

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