trying so hard not to damage my child

[YoungatHart]

After hours sometimes days of trying to do the right thing and get my child to behave, every now and again it has been known for me to lose my temper and be slightly rough. Now please don't get me wrong i don't mean i abuse my child or anything, i adore my dd, i just mean i know i don't look like a loving mother at the time, i look like a crazed loon shouting, grabbing, pulling and yes sometimes smacking which i know really isn't very nice. Anyway i was watching her play tonight with her dolls and she was really rough with her doll she spoke to her as if she was giving her into trouble and the "child" was obviously not listening so my dd kind of grabbed her by the neck (which please please believe me i have NEVER!! done and said "Listen to me!!") I was devastated, she has learned this behavior from me hasn't she?!?!? Am i teaching her how to be aggressive and abusive?! I really don't want that, i want to be a good roll model and teach her not to be like that but just sometimes after continuous pleads for her to calm down every few months or so i lose my temper am i damaging my child??

"damage" is a strong word but there may be ways you could try that would work better for both of you

I'd do less pleading for a start; that puts you into a position of weakness; go for a brisk no-nonsense approach instead; pretend not to hear if she answers in a sullen tone as long as she is doing what she is supposed to; if not, gently take her by the arm and steer her in the right direction before you lose your temper

imagine yourself an experienced headteacher dealing with somebody else's child: how would that woman speak and look? or some MNers prefer to pretend that they are being filmed by a TV crew

How old is she? Ask at the children's centre if they're running any parenting courses (just say you're finding it really tough and could do with some tips).

If you like reading I found, 'how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk' really helpful. Its hot lots of examples and tries to change how you view situations and then how you deal with them.

How rough are you being? Are you worried this could escalate? My mum was quite prone to a temper and its affected our relationship so do do take steps to sort this. It sounds though from your post that you do care and want to change which is fantastic :-)

My mother had an awful temper/rage and still does 35 years later. It has damaged our relationship beyond repair. I am not suggesting you are doing this. You clearly are looking to improve things. I wish my mum did. Her behaviour has made me v conscious of how i deal with ds. I can see how much he copies my behaviour. So, i make sure to give him lots of hugs and kisses throughout the day but ignore tantrums when he won't listen. I will raise my voice but not often as it scares him. I find bending down to his level and vocalising how i think he is feeling helps. He now holds a baby doll at playgroup and hugs and kisses it. Like all toddlers, he can be infuriating but memories of my mum's rage keep my own anger in check.

Everyone loses their temper at some point, the important thing is to manage it, so it doesn't affect your DD. How old is she? Can you leave her in a safe place and walk away to another room when you can feel you are going to lose it?

Kids to copy what they see, so you do need to make sure you come up with a different way of dealing with things. You have clearly realised there is a problem, which is a good start, you just have to work out what you are going to do about it now!

to be honest i was a bit like you with my first son, sometimes Id sit and think OMG Im arguing with my 3 yrs old or he'd pinch me and id smack his hand...but that was when i tried to prove everyone and myself that Im a perfect mum. relax, its ok not to know what to do...believe me sometimes I call my hubby and say please come home I cant do them anymore :)...

Children are funny in a way that they will play you if I see my child is getting naughty NOW i try to make it into a joke an dcuddle him and say come on, they have emotions too and they dont know how to deal with them..Im proud to say I havent smack him for ageeeessss because Id cry after I did, and it wasnt his fault it was me not being able to control myself...so next time if you feel like you are losing it....step back...count in ten and big smile :)))

Now ( sorry is getting long) i always thought my son is sooo stubborn I say word he answers 2 ( hes only 6!!!!!!!!!!!!) but than my husband once said he's just like you....I can see it now, we are both stubborn I know what id like my mum to do when I was naughty not shout but give me a hug or just leave me alone just for a while.

She is 6. I give her lots of cuddles and kisses I play with her (as much as I can) i tell her i love her and I do my best to teach her right from wrong but you see my husband and I split up approx a year and a half ago and at the time I wasn't hurting and so was she obviously so I maybe spoiled her slightly and also my tolerance for things was pretty low and I think I've just got myself into a rut. Also not having the backing of someone else in the house doesn't help either. It really is so hard being a parent I mentally beat myself up all the time some times you feel you can't do right for doing wrong.
Honestly though I was devastated when I saw her being so heavy handed with her doll I actually discussed it with her and explained that was too much.

was hurting sorry

What are you going to do? Will you contact home start and/or a parenting course at childrens centre and/or read "How to talk"?

Is there any chance of you having a few days apart to gather your thoughts and get some perspective? Seems like you have been through alot. Good suggestions re book and parenting class. At playgroup, the supervisor was saying how useful she found them.

I think you are a long way towards where you want to be by recognising the issue and wanting to do something about it. Well done. Like sh77 my mother had a terrible temper when I was a child; I really was scared of her. She shouted a lot, hit quite often and never kissed or cuddled. Since I was about 16 she's been all lovey-mother, wanting a close relationship, very much wanting to be involved in my life, genuinely I think she adores me. I try to be a good daughter, I do love her, but I find her very problematic and I really think that comes from that early fear. Sometimes she counsels me to 'be firmer' with my DD and I really bite my lip not to say 'actually I don't want my relationship with her to be like ours'. In a sense I've come out of it fine; I'm quite self-analytical and understand that some things (excessive desire to please and fear of confrontation) come from childhood but think it's best not to dwell. i'm happy. I love my daughter. She's only 17mo and I have shouted at her once or twice, and I'm sure will do so again many times, but there's a big loud inner voice that says 'be gentle'. Be gentle with yourself too, though, OP. x

What everyone has said is great. Also google love bombing. It's a technique to heal and regain a bond with your child. I know exactly what you mean. I don't smack but i have shouted very hard at times then had to apologise to my son for losing control. You know at 6, you could talk a little about it with her. Ask her how she feels when you get cross. Don't be afraid to say sorry. I have done this to my son as he is demanding and as i said it's easy to get cross. Another tip is when their past the point of reason and full on tantrumming, don't speak but just frab and cuddle. Then say i love you. It's amazing how this diffuses things. Good groups on fb:" the dangers of baby training" and "free your kids". Very helpful and lovely people who run them. And finally, your only human. We all make mistakes and no one is perfect. My son once bit me and i bit him back. It was 8 years ago and i have never forgiven myself. He was 2 so won't even remember. Huggs and good luck x

Some really brill advice for all of us, esp last two posts. There is an interesting article in the Guardian on love bombing. Having the humility to apologise goes a lOng way. My mother never did and i resent her for that. I suppose it is good to think how you would want your dd to view you and act on that.

Absolutely recommend parenting courses like 'Incredible Years' - they probably run some at your local Children's Centre. Please don't feel bad about going on a parenting course by the way - every parent needs help with something at some point and it's really important that you get the right kind of support as early as possible. The courses are run by experienced staff and there will be no 'telling off' or making you feel bad' - they will help you to find a way of parenting that works for you. Everyone else there will be learning too

Well done for tackling this issue.

Thank you so much everyone I'm definitely going to look up a course or two, love bombing and the book - "how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk" has already been ordered from amazon.

At first i wasn't sure about putting it on here because its hard for people to get a full picture of you by just a few lines (especially when I'm talking about being angry) and i didn't want people thinking the absolute worst of me but it's been very helpful, thank you x

annakin, i have 2 daughters and definatley feel like my youngest is a difficult baby. she nearly a year old, has never slept through the night, cries all the time and just seems to have a miserable personality! i genuinly love her as much as my oldest but just wish she would stop making our lives so bloody hard,
sometimes i think what a lovely time me and my oldest would be having if she wasn't constantly crying. i call her the little ball of misery!! she is also lovely and when i do get a smile out of her its great.