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Original poster

Competative Mom Syndrome. Aaaaarrrrgghhhh (Bang....my head just exploded!)

31 replies

Panyanpickle77 · 06/04/2006 10:55

Hi, yesterday I visited a friend who has a DS who is 2.5 months older than my ds(my ds was 8mnths yesterday). Its the first time I have seen her for a couple of weeks, because to be quite honest she is starting to get on my nerves a little bit, And I shall explain why ..........
Last time we bumped into her I made the usual fuss of her ds. I like babies, they are ALL beautiful. He is a lovely big boy, with loads of hair, and I enjoyed making him smile. This was not returned to my ds however. I didn't expect her to fall over herself, throwing compliments willy nilly, but I did not expect her to tell me my health visitor would say he was fat when he had his 8month check (yesterday). I took it on the chin and ignored her pettiness, and just avoided her until my anger had subsided. So DS had his 8month check yesterday and I told the health visitor about my friends comment. She said that because he is fully breastfed aside from food, that he is doing really well, and has gained weight at the same rate since birth, and is not FAT. This spurred me to go and visit said friend with my good news. She was pleased to see us and we had a pleasant time. I told her about the 8month check and innocently added that the health visitor said his weight was not a problem (he was 25lb!!!!). She then looked at me shocked and basically said she was surprised. Apparently her sons HV had said he shouldnt be having 4 bottles of formula a night at 10months, and that he was getting fat.........NOW FOR THE NASTINESS......She then said she couldnt understand why my HV was not concerned, as my ds was so fat he had cellulite (Not in a jokey manner either). I did take delight in explaining the whys and wherefores, but it does get a little depressing. I'm sure it is jelousy, because she is having probs with ds sleeping, and he seems to pick up all sorts of bugs/virus........to which I have supported her with. Does anyone else have "Friends" like this. Why can't they just be normal, non competative moms who like you and your kids for who, not what you are.........any thoughts?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

colditz · 06/04/2006 10:57

Gosh, what a vile woman!

I'd avoid her like the plague.

mazzystar · 06/04/2006 11:00

she's nuts

and totally insecure

can you hang out with someone else instead?

catrin · 06/04/2006 11:01

Don't bother with her again - she sounds like a total cow.

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georginarf · 06/04/2006 11:03

she's mad.
If you can face it, tell her calmly that you think she's being rather nasty and if she is going to be rude, then you're not going to see her very often as it's upsetting you. 8 month olds do NOT have cellulite

if you can't face that, avoid her.

expatinscotland · 06/04/2006 11:06

just walk away.

every now and again, i run into someone like that.

whatever. not interested. move on.

Original poster

Panyanpickle77 · 06/04/2006 11:06

The majority of the time she is a good person, but she always manages to get a nasty snipe/remark into a conversation. At one point she made me think my Ds had a problem with her talking. It turned out she was just a late developer and i have trouble getting her to be quiet now!!! I do know she has a lot of problems with her kids health, but I dont reallly see this as an excuse to be rude about mine!

OP posts:

lahdeedah · 06/04/2006 11:06

Yes - avoid avoid avoid......

Sounds like she is ill-informed about the difference between formula and breastmilk. But if you have tried to explain and she persists on telling you your baby has cellulite (WTF?) it sounds to me like she is putting your DS down to make herself feel better about her own child. She should be pleased for you that your baby is big bouncing happy and healthy.

georginarf · 06/04/2006 11:09

really does sound like she's a bit jealous and trying to make herself feel better about her child/ren. That's no excuse though

dyzzidi · 06/04/2006 11:12

I have one friend like this who i tend to ignore. The best one is my male boss who thinks competitive mums are hilarious. I took dd aged 15 weeks in work yesterday and he kept saying things like what she is not walking yet my X was walking and ballet dancing by four hours old. pmsl.

when will people learn that all babies are beautiful individuals who will do things and grow whenever they want to not becaues X is already doing it.

Original poster

Panyanpickle77 · 06/04/2006 11:15

The best was following DS birth. A couple of days after ds birth my DH had to go for his first visit to his consultant to see what he needed following his surgery. Lukily he was told his op appeared to have removed all traces of cancer, but they wanted him to have one round of chemo as a precaution. This was good news, but understandably I was upset. I cried buckets on the way home through releif, sadness and more than probably hormones (you dont expect to be sitting with your 28 year old husband in an oncology centre 4 days after giving birth.....stress is all I will say). On seeing me go into my house visibly upset, she then posted a really strange card through my door saying sorry I was upset, and basicaly blaming it on PND?!?!?!? I'm sure she had the best intentions, but I could think of a few other reasons that I'd been crying!

OP posts:

Turtle35 · 06/04/2006 11:18

try not to let it bother you, go with your gut instinct always with your own baby, I truly believe Mum knows best with these things. It will continue but try to ignore.

MeggLeVache · 06/04/2006 11:18

She sounds extremely insecure and inadequate to me. I had a neighbour who was very similar - her son was 5 weeks older than mine and I remember when my ds was 7 weeks old she came round to see me and was shocked to see ds had grown so considerably - she asked how much he weighed and when I told her she called me a liar said there was no way he could be heavier than her ds and snatched my red book from the sideboard. She had a look at the weight chart the HV had filled in I was so shocked I did not know what to say. She was always digging at me. Lucklily she moved away and I did what I could to avoid her. I saw her recently at a local leisure centre and she was on top form asking why I wasn't back at work yet, she then told me I was one of those women who didn't want to do anything.

I took great joy in telling her I was running my own business and blissfully happy whilsy walking away and wishing her all the best.

Please stay away from her - at leats you have lots of support here but on a bad day - it doesn't matter how strong you may be- she will get you down and make you doubt yourself. Get rid, make your excuses and find some other lovely mums to socialise with!!!!

Hoopoe · 06/04/2006 12:35

Yes! Extricate yourself! I used to have a friend like that and I used to make excuses for her. Even though most of the time she was pretty nice, I always left feeling really bad because she'd managed to slip in some nasty comment. I don't see her anymore and don't regret my decision for a second. There are much nicer people I'd rather spend my time with

MadamePlatypus · 06/04/2006 13:21

??? She needed to be told that giving a 10 month year old 4 bottles of formula a night was perhaps a little excessive, but she is giving advice to you? This is not competitive mother syndrome, this is Mad as a Box of Frogs syndrome.

melissasmummy · 06/04/2006 13:44

My friend made spitfull comments re my way of raising my DD. I had waiting for 6 years to have a baby (dh didn't want 1)& we eventually took 1 yr to concieve, me & my friend were best pals all the way thru my heartache & much longer before hand. Friend had 2 DD's herself, whom I adored.

She said my DD would think I was "uncool" as i didn't go out drinking all night (DD was 1 at the time !!!???) She said I was sad because I liked to take DD to the park or feed the ducks, because I actually played with her instead of leaving her largely to her own devices. She wouldn't make any effort to distract my dd if she was doing something she shouldn't be (say, if I was out of the room) She begruged the 1 time dh & I asked her to have dd over night so we could go out (she had been badgering us for ages to let her have dd). Finally she critised me for being a "boring SAHM who didn't have a life".

She eventually instigated a row & we didn't talk for 2 weeks, she called me & said that she couldn't get used to the fact that my dd was more important to me than she was! WTF??

When she confessed (after I asked her outright) if she resented my dd she said she did. I haven't spoken to her since, I can't be friends with somebody who suffered thro my pain & heartache at possibly losing my dh, my longing to hold my own child & my long wait to concieve just to hear her say she resented my dd! We haven't spoken for over a year. And it really is no loss to me.

I think youshould move on, this relationship with undermine your confidence & make you feel useless. Your HV said you DS was OK, I know who I would believe. Your friend sounds like a bitter bully to me!

melissasmummy · 06/04/2006 13:45

I can't be friends with somebody who suffered with me thro my pain & heartache at possibly losing my dh, my longing to hold my own child & my long wait to concieve just to hear her say she resented my dd!

dyzzidi · 06/04/2006 13:47

mm you poor thing you are better off without her. What an ignorant selfish woman.

lovecloud · 06/04/2006 13:51

Steer clear!

Been lucky to not have friends like this but if I did I would tell her where she could go - what a cheek!

She is obviously weird and finds your kind nature takes her crap!

Kick her to da kurb :)

melissasmummy · 06/04/2006 13:55

Thing is, she was always like that, took me having a baby to realise why so many of our other "friends" started to avoid her!

She was...is jealous of anyone who is happy and has what she hasn't.

She tried to convince me I should leave dh (was in 1st trimester of pg ((v v hormonal)) & she convinced me he let me get pg as he didn't want to lose me) she said I had no right to complain of loss of appitite and all day sickness as I wanted a baby and should just put up with it (I practically nursed her thru 9 months of sickness/bleeding etc when she had dd1).

After the birth she called my dh lazy as according to her "he has never & will never change a nappy or do a night feed in his life" how she though she knew this, I don't know!

The finaly straw tho was her admmitance of resentment! Left me broken hearted that she couldn't love my dd as much as I love her dd's. But hey, my dd is my life. No way was she ever going to be first in my life after that!

melissasmummy · 06/04/2006 13:59

I don't see it as competative mum syndrome. When somebody makes comments like that to a new mum who is finding her feet & may already be questioning the many many choices she has to make, thats spitefull & hurtfull not competative!

wannaBe1974 · 06/04/2006 14:09

I think people like that do what they do to hide their own insecurities. I would get rid.

When we were on holiday last year we sort of befriended a couple who had two kids, one older, and one slightly younger than my DS. The woman asked me whether my DS was normal or if he had something wrong with him because "he's so well behaved!" wtf? Suffice to say I was not amused.

Original poster

Panyanpickle77 · 06/04/2006 14:28

You are all angels! (must be true because I said so! Thanks for the supportive messages. I have had an epiphany whilst buying fruit and veg?????? I am not willing to include these type of people in by life. All they do is zap my energy and make me paranoid, which I REALLY dont need (who does??). So from now on I will Either make a point of letting people know when they have made a rude comment, or just get rid of them altogether (Not in an axe murderer type way, more of a send them to coventry type way!) Anyhooo gotta go as my ds it trying to eat his sock.

OP posts:

georginarf · 06/04/2006 14:31

good attitude MrsA! ditch her

dublindee · 06/04/2006 14:33

Yes - def get rid. You'll feel so much better away from the negative vibes these people give off my ex best "friend" (I use the term loosely) turned around to my mum behind my back 24hrs after I told them I was pregnant and said "Would Dee not consider having an abortion?" Mum is 70 this year and whilst not an altar-licker has quite strong Catholic beliefs - so it was tough to tell my parents I was having child out of wedlock and moving to Wales - even though I'm 29 this summer gulp.

When I confronted her she denied it and called my Mum a liar. I cut all contact there and then. I have only seen her twice since.

First time Xmas '04: I was 7mths pregnant she couldn't stay in the same room as me.

Last time: Xmas this year and she was bouncing my DS on her knee. When he upchucked a little on her I had to hold back the laughter.

She has never apologised and still claims she never said it. Mum apparently took it out of context. WTF?!

To be honest I don't miss her as everything was a drama with her. People like her and your friend are so wearing to be around, that when you finally get away from them, you get a great sense of freedom!

Find some nice mums to hang with. Chin up!

wanderingstar · 06/04/2006 17:43

Glad you had your epiphany ! 12 years and 4 children down the line, I can honestly say that most fellow parents I've met through my children, at playgroups, music classes, school etc are good company, some have become close friends, some are tolerable, BUT there are definitely quite a few irritating uber mums out there. I either dump them or maintain minimal contact if I have to (eg at school gate).

You don't need her and neither does your ds. Too toxic.

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