Help me cope with my 5 year old, please?

[mumat39]

I know there Re a lot of threads about how 5 year olds (and 6 and 7 and and and :( ) can be.

Mine is a lovely girl at school and sometimes at home. But we seem to be having more and more days with her where she just doesn't listen.

I dread waking up as unless I shout she doesn't't respond. Whether it's getting dressed, brushing her teeth, eating, whatever, she is just soon slow.

She has an amazing memory and learns things really quickly but she just doesn't get that sometimes we have to hurry or that if she did things a bit more quickly that she would enjoy things a bit more.

I worry that she has some behavioural issues, or that she really doesn't like me. She has many allergies and has had since she was very small. I haven't dealt with that side of things very well and I'm sure that has affected her and maybe our relationship. it drives DP mad too but he is at work so gets to see less of it.

I see other kids listening o their parents and wonder why my DD just won't. I've run out of things I can do to discipline her and need help.

I find myself getting so stressed and recently I feel like it is affecting me a lot.

Can anyone give me some tips on how to cope please? Strategies for not shouting. I hate doing it but the calm approach doesn't often work with her. I know her behaviour is probably normal but I don't like how I'm parenting at the moment. I just want to learn how to be calm and to not get so stressed so quickly.

I'm on anti depressants and am waiting for CBT to help me deal with my allergy related anxieties but I could be waiting for a long while for that. So can anyone give some tips on how to be a chilled calm mother, please.

Many thanks in advance.

I've had cbt and it was really helpful. One thing that stands out for me is you thinking other parents do it better and their children listen. Just remember that you're judging their best moments against all your moments. My counsellor helped me a lot with that. I now mentally photograph moments when my lot are being idyllic when others are watching (or imagine they might be) to remind myself of when I'm either comparing my parenting to someone else's or actually having a less than shiny moment myself. Hang on in there.

Also, I've learnt that my tolerance to stress is a bit like a pot-once its full it overflows into irrational shouting. But I can control some of the stresses that go into it-too much to do in the morning, the house bring excessively untidy, not eating properly - so that then dd being tricky or being tired from our still not sleeping baby don't tip me over. It was a lightbulb moment when I worked that out for myself

Thanks Molehill. :)

I keep hearing good things about CBT, so I really hope I get an appointment soon. I feel like everything about everyone else is better than me at the moment, which is rubbish. Thanks for sharing your experience

I have a 3 year old DS too and he's much more willing to listen, although they sometimes 'gang up on me' lol.

I just want to stop shouting though and be as calm as possible.

have you heard of a book called fed up by sue dengate, it helps you to understand how food affects your child and what you can do about it.

Thanks arista. That's interesting.

DD has many many foods that she is allergic to and has a very limited diet. I sometimes wonder if her allergies and maybe her behaviour are somehow linked. I'm going to have a look for the book you've mentioned as I'm sure it'll be an interesting read. Thanks so much.

I tried it with my daughter and I've noticed some foods does actually trigger her behaviours. There is a group on facebook doing the diet as well if you can get additional of foods not listed in the book.

1. Start by finding things to praise her for and sit down with her to draw a big poster with all the things you like about her and she is good at.
2. Mention at least 5 positive things to her for any one negative thing.
3. Have clear rules and consequences, positively expressed, agreed with dad. Not "No TV if you don't put your books away" but "If you put your books away you can watch half an hour of your favourite programme". Stick to them!
4. Actively notice her when she is doing what you want. Some children find the best way of getting attention is to be difficult/challenging. For a child, negative attention is preferable to none.
5. Make getting things done fun and a challenge, eg, "I bet you can't get your pyjamas on before I count to 5". Then make a big deal of praising her.
6. Pat yourself on the back. You are a good parent, because you care about how to be better.

Thanks Wigginsbottom.

I do try and do the majority of the things you've suggested but DD seems to get wise to the fact that I'm doing those things so we'll have a good couple of days and then she'll go back to just not hearing me. I think I also regress into the 'if you don't do this, then You won't get that' which I need to make more of a concerted effort with changing to the positive messages all the time so thanks so much for reminding me of that one.