Thanks - it's been a consolation to know other mums are in the same position.
It's so damned frustrating because I KNOW she knows what to do....my friend babysat her overnight while I attended my grad ceremony recently and said, 'I don't know why you say she's not toilet trained, she told me when she needed to go and had no accidents at all, and went to sleep at 7.30 like a wee angel!' Seems my dear friend, who has two kiddies herself, had a totally differnet experience of my dd than I usuallly have (ie: major toilet stuggles, major bedtime struggles).
My friend, I should emphasise, has dd of same age who is trained: I suspect presence of peers who do the toilet thing encourages her to go without a struggle. She has recently started daycare one morning a week (am going to upgrade this to one day a week once she is used to it). I am under a bit of work pressure at the moment: have to construct a bloody Shakespeare course for uni pupils that starts in August. The preparation is unpaid for: I am only being paid casual teaching rates (I should explain that I recently got my doctorate in Eng. Lit, and this is my first 'gig' as a lecturer, so I am anxious to not muck it up).
I am a single mum (have been separated from dp since dd was two - left him bang on her 2nd birthday, in fact, but that's another story...). Anyway, point being, I am a single mum, somewhat preoccupied with work-from-home obligations, and I suspect that I have not been as on the case with the toilet training as I might have been. That is, if you have to spend two hours a day reading up on Shakespearean criticism (I do hope I don't sound like a ponce here!) it is easier to put dd in front of DVD with nappy on than deal with pooey pants in the park or shops or playgroup!!!
I am getting really guilty about my parenting 'style': I love dd beyond expression, and she loves me (she says: 'I love you!' but if I say 'I love you too,' she replies 'no, don't say it back, just say thanks!')But she is anxious about relationship between ex dp and myself, and, I suspect, in love with the idea of being a baby for a little longer.
So I have decided not to push it for now. She is as bright as a button and very confident: my 'grounding thought' is that no-one, but NO-ONE (even mentally disabled kids) stays in nappies past the age of four or so.
What makes me worry is that the separatio has affected her: I suspect that she feels the poo-wees thing is the only thing she has full control over, and hence it has become a struggle. She loves her dad dearly, but since she only stays one night a week with him, she is sometimes shy and unwilling to go. She has told me more than once that she wishes Dad and I would stop fighting and live together again, and this breaks my heart, as I know that this is just impossible for me right now. She is OBSESSED with my friend and her husband and their family set-up with the two kids and the 'happy families' set-up: constanly wants to play pretend with me at being 'Katy and Cristian' (my friend and her husband) and plainly craves a conventional family atmosphere.
DD's dad is a wonderful person, btw, but had a very bad childhood and this came out during the course of our relationship: he was very controlling and dd witnessed occasioal violence, which, unhappily, she seems able to remember (even though she was only two when I left him).
I guesss this is all a bit deep for a toilet training post, but I can't help but feel that the separation and unusualness of our current set-up has disturbed her. We are currently living in a horrid flat that my parents own and are forcing me to pay rent for (if they would oly let me live here for free a few weeks, I could save up the money to move to a house with a garden and so forth).
When I left ex dp originally, a women's shelter installed me for six months in a lovely place with garden etc for six months, but then we had to move. DD really misses old place and is constantly asking why we can't go back there. It was a great space for kids...lots of other children on the street, she made some friends...whereas this dive we're in at the moment is really sort of a slum, nowhere to play, no other kids, just a loungeroom for watching TV, a lift that smells of piss (if you'll excuse me for being explicit) and an exhausted and stressed mum trying to get ready for my job in a few months....
In light of all of this, I've decided to give her a break with toilet training, at least for now, although she is three. She has enough on her plate. The great thing is that despite all the crap she's the sweetest, kindest and most thoughtful toddler....plays amazing little games by herself for hours (the other day she had a teaspoon and a plastic cup and was playing 'astronauts' for ages....if I tried to join she she shouted, 'you're spoiling it!')
AAAAAARRRRRGHHHH!!!!! I'm raving. But I am blessed. Apart from the toilet training issue I have a clever and kind little girl, and that's what matters above all. I'm so proud of her. She's been through so much and always comes through like a little grand duchesss!
(btw, this her her night with dad, and I'm a little drunk as I write this this. Apologies for length and incoherency. Would really appreciate more concrete TT advice or at least empathy from other mums of nappy-happy 3 year olds!)