child gender preference

[theothersteve]

This is my first post here so hi.
Although I am a dad not a mum I am posting a question which might be best answered here.
My question concerns the fact that my me and my wife are trying for our second child. Our first was a boy and my wife showed no overt preference in terms of gender; indeed if anything she was keen for a boy because of there are so few on her side of the family.
Having had a boy my wife is starting to talk about our as yet unconceived second child in terms of it being a girl. She of course dismisses any suggestion that she would prefer a girl but she is invariable in referring to the child as such.
Since we have no intention of medical intervention in determining the gender of our child I am concerned that she has a 50% chance setting herself up for a fall.
Are there any other women here who, through a process of repetition, as much as anything, set themselves up for a particular gender of child and were as a result, at some level, disappointed at delivery ?
Shall I attempt to down play the gender issue, if indeed there is one, and discuss the virtues of another boy ?
Any suggestions would be welcome.

Hi and welcome.
Toughie...
Is your wife jokey about it or deadly serious to the point of rubbishing the laws of chance?#If she is serious there are some theories that can assist the conception of a girl, but by admitting to this and the method (timing of intercourse mostly) then were you not to succeed then your wife might be even further disappointed.
I guess you can ask, if we knew another child would be a boy would you still try for no 2?
I had said I would prefer another girl after dd (who is 3) we have found it impossible to conceive so any preference has gone out of the window.

I deseperately desperately wanted ds1 to be a girl. for reasons which in hindsight seem ridiculous.

When I discivered he was a boy I was (literally) devastated. Fortunatley this nwas a t 32 weeks on a scan for a low lying placenta.

by the time of delivery I had accepted his maleness (!) and 2 minutes after he was born I wouldnt have changed him for 5000 girls

with ds2 I wanted a boy; and was unconcerned about the gender of our third child - who was - a boy!

Now absolutely thrilled with three wonderful little boys

I think my point is that 'disappointment' can be for mant reasons and does not necessarily last....

I have 3 boys, and would love to have a girl! Having said that, I love all my boys to bits, and wanting a girl is largely for the pink stuff! The only time av fely any tinge of disappoinyment was with ds1 and that was mainly beacause I had a "feeling" he was a girl and had developed a relationship with this daughter in my head and kind of felt I had been given someone elses baby! But that lasted less than a day, after that I was besotted to the point of silliness! DS1 and ds2 are 2 years apart and its great! They are there for each other always even if other friends let them down. I would kind of like the same for ds3 who is 6 years younger than ds2 but would still like a girl for myself!

We had 2 boys already when I became pregnant with baby no.3. My pregnancy was identical to the one I had with ds2. Our hospital has a policy of not telling parents the baby's gender. I felt guilty about referring to the baby as "it". Saying "he or she" all the time was a faff so by the end of the pregnancy the baby was referred to as "he". Could your wife be doing something similar perhaps?

In the end "he" turned out to be a she. I think most people were surprised as they'd assumed the baby would be a boy. I wasn't disappointed about having a girl though so I'm probably no help to you there. Sorry.

I would be very cautious about doing anything which might encourage my wife to raise her hopes of determining the gender of the child; even though she insists on having no specific hope for either gender.

I know what you mean about calling the unborn baby ‘it’. We always referred to Oscar before his birth as Larry or Larissa thinking they would be names we would never choose. However, when Oscar was finally born we had become quite used to Larry and were seriously considering it; Larissa, of course, remained beyond reason.

I was from a family of boys and would have missed out in not having brothers to play with so I’m quite happy to have another boy.

Although my wife’s side of the family has few boys, since our son was born everyone in the family has had boys. As a result I get the impression that it might be my mother-in-law who is longing for a granddaughter so that she can replicate the things she did with her daughter, my wife. As a result my wife is always talking about doing those self same things; dance lessons, brownies etc.

Maybe I need to speak to my mother-in-law (shudder) about this.

I secretly preferred to have a girl with first baby and (oh the games we play) convinced myself that I was having a boy because the worst thing imaginable would be to be disappointed at the birth itself so I was mentally preparing myself I guess. I did such a good job, even managed to convince dp and we bought a teddy with the name 'Tom' on it (cause that's what we'd call the baby). Our hospital had a policy of not telling too, even though I asked every scan (again so I could prepare myself). Well imagine my shock and absolute delight when it turned out a girl! When she was born I just couldn't believe it. By the way, I truly believe that I would have been over the moon if she'd been a boy too, such was the brilliant job I'd done on myself. When we found out that dd2 was to be a girl (different hospital, different disclosure policy), I had a momentary disappointment that I might never know what it was to raise a boy (this is our last child) but now I'm so pleased I had two girls cause I think they'll always be there for one another (again sheer fantasy - I fought like hell with my next sister down!) It's really handy being able to pass down the clothes and toys too!

I believed strongly my first was a girl .. HE'S 5 year olds now

I believed equally strongly my second was a boy .. SHE's 2

what do you mean by determining gender? .. do you mean if at the 20 week scan she finds out its a boy she'll try for an abortion ... do you really think she would?

maybe she's just fantastising and wishing .. you know her best .. do you think she'll care in the end

We have 2 boys and whilst I didn't mind what our first child was I had hoped the second would be a girl. I had even suggested that we find out the gender so that if it was not a girl I would have time to get used to the idea and wouldn't be disappointed on the day! In the end I realised that the second that baby was in my arms it wouldn't matter what it was so we didn't find out in advance. They are now 2 years and 4 months old respectively and already seem to love each other, and as soon as ds2 was born I loved him completely. No one in our families has ever had 2 boys so there is novelty value too! We haven't ruled out the possibility of a third but I am hesitant as 3 boys might be pushing it! Basically I would say that once your wife is pregnant it might be an idea to talk about finding out what the gender is in advance so that there is time for her to prepare mentally. I doubt she will have a problem with another boy (-if that is what it is) once she knows that is what she is having, and definitely not once she has one in her arms!

I wanted DS1 to be a boy (and obviously he was!) and DS2 to be a girl. When I discovered he was a boy at a 37 week growth scan I was extremely upset. Nevertheless, the moment he was in my arms, staring up at me in the knowing way of newborns, I fell in love and have never been disappointed that he was a boy. In a way, he's not a boy, he's DS2 if that makes sense! I may have 2 boys but I don't have 2 the same.

Fast forward 5 years and DD is now 3 months old. I truly didn't care one bit if she was a boy or a girl. I can't say I wasn't delighted to discover she was a girl but I really didn't care.

WEll with ds1 I had no preference. With ds2 I was hoping for a girl. I didn't realize it really but was very tearful and upset after my 20 week scan. Somehow deep down I just assumed I would get one of each! I had a brother and so did all my friends at school. Plus I always wanted a daughter. As soon as he was born though its the same story I fell for him completely.

I will probably have another baby. And yes I would love the experience of having and raising a daughter. PLus I really love all those yummy pink clothes in the shop. We will try some of the fun things to sway the odds. I'm not sure they work though and if another boy turns up he is meanto to be and will be loved just as much as the others.

I know lots of ladies onm here will disagree but I think most women would love a daughter at some point so thats normal. Many of my friends who have had one the first time have sort of breathed a sigh of relief that they 'have their girl' and it doesn't matter the second time round! Don't worry too much I have never met anyone who has not bonded with a baby on the grounds of its gender.

Can you find out the sex at your 20 week scan? That way she'll have time to get used to the idea.

Am I being an eedjit, or is there some other reason for not sorting all this out with a scan?

My friend hankered after a girl, had a boy, now has another - got over it the moment she saw him.

Plenty of women refer to the baby, once pregnant, consistently as "he" or "she". It doesn't mean they think the baby is a particular gender or that they have a particular preference. It's a bit more unusual for an as-yet-unconceived baby but not out-and-out weird. If your wife keeps telling you that she doesn't have a strong preference for a girl then I'd be inclined to believe her and stop fretting.

Is there something you aren't telling us that is leading you to think there's a problem? From what I read in your posts your wife's not shown an overwhelming preference for one gender before, isn't showing a marked preference now, and the only thing she's doing that's giving you cause for concern now is referring to a hypothetical child as "she" rather than "it" or "he/she". It doesn't sound to me as though there's a problem at all.

Some people do have a preference over the sex of their child. I desperately wanted a girl, but I wouldn't have been disappointed by a boy. I think you are worrying yourself over nothing to be honest, there is no need to go hard selling the joy of boys to your wife.

Hello. I was convinced my first was a boy, wanted a boy, was on my own so thought there'd be less conflict if I had a boy. Got a girl. Called her "he" for a few days. Then, could not ever imagine having a boy. I really think you love the child, not the gender. My mum had boy, boy, girl and was disappointe dby 2nd boy. He was, however, her favourite child when we grew up.

My first was a boy, then 11 years later i was pregnant again, i really wanted a girl, so id have 1 of each, both my SIL had girls etc.
I found out i was having a girl at a 28 week growth scan, i was over the moon. Then i thought for a split second "but i like boys"! Idont think i would have been bothered either way really.
If i ever have another i would like a boy though!