Can't stand the way my partner's kids treat them

[Chiefie]

Hi, bloke here. Hope it's OK to post on here but I thought you may be able to provide a more maternal opinion.

To be brief, I've come to the end of my tether with the way my partners children treat her. Late teen (M), early teen (M) and pre-teen (F) and they treat her like $#;

She may as well be an unpaid skivvy. They are rude, obnoxious, selfish, never say please, never say thank you, never do what they are asked, insist on separate meals, they are lazy, did I mention rude? To get them to do mildly anything is an exercise on futility and requires a full on screaming match with the outcome normally being in their favour.

I have children from a previous relationship and they are a pain sometimes, yes, but I wouldn't let anybody speak to / treat anyone like this, especially not my partner. It hurts and makes me so upset and I don't feel like I can really do anything about it.

I have tried and tried so work with them, I have never shouted at them, I have involved them in things I / we do, taken them out, given them money, bought things, talked to them when things are upsetting and every now and then they can be fine. But rarely at best. And even then it's more to do with them wanting something out of it.

Initially I suspected that they where pushing / testing the boundaries of our relationship but over time I can see this isn't really the case. They are just like this.

Do I continue to try and help things along and clam things down as both me and my partner want? Or just give up, accept it for what it is in the hope that I can just put up with it until something changes at some point?

Sorry if this sounds like a ramble but any thoughts or opinions would be appreciated.

Thanks in advance (TIA...??)

If they've always been like this, and your DP has never seen a problem/tried to address it, then it's probably down to a difference in parenting styles.

Even if she isn't happy with the situation and wants to change it, I don't think at their ages that they are going to react well to a newcomer (ie you :)) trying to change things around... and even if your DP does it off her own back I think they will see straight away that the drive/techniques or whatever have come from you, unfortunately.

I think that it sounds like a killer for the relationship, ultimately, which is a shame.

Oh dear. Sort of had that feeling that was the way it was going to go.

I spent a lot of time on my own thinking it about it last night. I tried this morning to stay well out of the way and just make sure I was there for her in a quiet background role.

It was carnage.

If I duck out 'gracefully' then I know that my DP (had to look up the acronyms) will just end up becoming more and more stressed, worried and more than likely unwell. And she will know the reason why as we have discussed it.

I can't stand the thought of that, it seems so selfish to just say 'you deal with this' and leave them all to it. I know she wants it all to change and has never really been happy with the situation as it is.

Still, not sure sure I am going to get a lot of choice in the matter am I?

I should think your role should be to support your DP and help her slowly build up confidence to address issues herself as she sees fit, slowly over time. It's nothing to do with 'ducking out' - just talk to her in private and agree a strategy that you can stick to when things get heated. She can change things - practical stuff like weekly meal planning, house rules, sanctions etc. But all families have their own patterns and it will be hard to change except little by little and on their own terms.

It's good that you have tried to approach the children positively but presumably at some point they have been through a traumatic experience and during the teenage years this is hardest to deal with and the time they will 'test' everyone. I can't see if you mention timescales anywhere. Just treat them as individuals and build up their confidence too, or support your partner in her efforts to do this.

Btw I am writing this as an ex-teenager not as a mother - the situation reminds me of my family as was and I think we did seem pretty rude, lazy and obnoxious but we've all grown up to have a fantastic relationship with our mum as adults.