if you have made the decison not to smack.......

[alittlebitshy]

..... how do you feel when you see other mums (friends?) smacking their los?

I was with a group of friends today.. a group who i love dearly and my dd loves their children, but one mum in particular is very smack happy. Her ds is about 20 months, and within the space of 3 hours I think she had smacked him 7 or 8 times. I think this is excessive. Or am i just very very sheltered and/or opinionated??

As i have ranted on and on about of late, my dd (3 in may) has been a bit aggressive lately - pushing other children, a bit of hitting,)though i think we're heading towards coming out the other side, please god) and particularly with this in mind I was cringing everytime my friend walloped her little ds, thinking what on earth goes through a toddler's mind who is being told not to push etc, when she sees a MUM not being v self controlled.

Just wondered if anyone can help my thinking on this.....

alittlebit, you say this woman is part of a group of mums that you see - do you have mums in the group that you could talk to about this? You might find that some others are just as uncomfortable as you. They may be able to suggest something!

Or maybe next time, if it's as bad, you could get her on her own and just be REALLY concerned! "You seem to be really losing it with DS today, are you OK? I'm really worried about you." All said in your best, most sincere and genuine voice. Then she knows you have clocked it and think something is very wrong, but you aren't making her realise this in a confrontational way, but a suportive one. It may give her pause for thought that others are watching and thinking what she is doing is so wrong that they think she is under some terrible stress or something!

Do you think this might work? I know how you feel, you just want to do something in this situation, don't you!

i do think that some people smack as they were smacked themselves and of course it never did them any harm. well i don't agree it harmed me very very much. smacking is violence no matter how much people dress it up, you don't have to parent the way you yourself were parented, in fact i parent in the totally opposite way, my kids know the are loved valued and respected, they have great self esteem, which are all things i did not have.

sparkle-yeah, i have been thinking that. I think I'm going to broach it with the other 2 mums (separately) and see if I'm not the only one.

Onlyjoking -exactly. I cannot see why someone who sees her stepdad using his brute force would want to subject her own ds to that. Or i sippose in her eyes it's different... cos she sees him as being "naughty".

I admit to bellowing at my dd, ashamed as i am of it, but i would never ever ever use the tone of voice, easy movements of the hand and the strength that she does.

go for it, good idea to talk to the other two. You'll doubtless feel better for feeling you're trying to at least do something about it!

onlyjoking, respect to you!

I've only read the first post.
I feel sad that they are not able to better communicate discipline and punishment to their kids.
I did smack ds (he is now 12) as a toddler - mainly for road safety transgressions. I deeply regret it and realise it was my own mothering that led me to punish that way, then I knew I was unhappy being punished physically as a child so learned ways to stop dealing with things that way.
With dd who is 3 I've never needed to even sternly discipline her yet.
There is always another way - but because I know how I used to be I also realise that I cannot judge other mothers harshly for it.

thanks i just go with what i feel, it is not always right, but my three have very different needs and levels of understanding than other kids, they all need a different approach, they have taught me lots of stuff, in fact i am always learning stuff, next week i will be brushing up on my distraction skills, trying to distract DD 11 from collecting up all of the buckets on the beach in menorca

Yes you read right my bil evolved from smacking to punching. She was a very challenging child but the smacking made no difference and they just kept increasing the severity of the smacking until the punching.

She is now 14 and her relationship with her Dad is not great.

ALittleBitShy - you are in a difficult situation. Yes, the smnacking is at a horrible level - it makes me feel very sick to think of a 20 month old being hit 7 or 8 times in 3 hours. .

But you and her other friends need to frind a way to enlighten your friend or get her to witness other more positive parenting. Make a point of starting a discussion about how you get the best results out of your kids? Make a point of asking another freind, while you are all in the group, how she deals with her child - and know that she is going to give a constructive answer?

If you tackle her outright, she will probably just react and refuse to listen to you.

Do you share a HV?

Are there parenting course on offere? Maybe say you'd like to try one because you want to be sure you can continue effectively with your decision not to smack?

Is this her first child? 20 Months is a difficult time, the terrible twos are just starting, as I have said elsewhere today my youngest is there too and it is hard. Maybe given some posotive reinforcememnt from her peer group she will be able to get out of the habilt before it becomes a "real issue" it is easy to fall into something just becasue it seems easy and before you know where you are it has become your way of life and escalated beyond your easy control, I second Blu's suggestions of trying to get the point across without direct conflict, she may just need a helping nudge and some encouregment.