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Original poster

if you have made the decison not to smack.......

35 replies

alittlebitshy · 04/04/2006 19:08

..... how do you feel when you see other mums (friends?) smacking their los?

I was with a group of friends today.. a group who i love dearly and my dd loves their children, but one mum in particular is very smack happy. Her ds is about 20 months, and within the space of 3 hours I think she had smacked him 7 or 8 times. I think this is excessive. Or am i just very very sheltered and/or opinionated??

As i have ranted on and on about of late, my dd (3 in may) has been a bit aggressive lately - pushing other children, a bit of hitting,)though i think we're heading towards coming out the other side, please god) and particularly with this in mind I was cringing everytime my friend walloped her little ds, thinking what on earth goes through a toddler's mind who is being told not to push etc, when she sees a MUM not being v self controlled.

Just wondered if anyone can help my thinking on this.....

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misdee · 04/04/2006 19:10

waht was the poor boy doing?

CarolinaMooncup · 04/04/2006 19:13

I don't think I've ever seen any child I know of that age be smacked (i.e. not counting randoms in shopping malls etc) - what on earth could it achieve?

Original poster

alittlebitshy · 04/04/2006 19:23

well, my thoughts exactly. I think (imho) he looked frankly terrified and a bit confused, although i think he is used to it by now :(- not that that in any way makes it right.

Misdee... that's where I'm stuck. Nothing sticks on my mind. It was things like reaching for something mummy didn't want him to have, climbing onto the window sill, touching the kitchen bin... all things you may not want them to do, but def not smack worthy.

I was talking to dh earlier cos I camne away feeling, frankly, unsettled. I have a vague memory of her walloping him once when i was round there in a way that I felt was way way too much for such a little soul, and I just worry how, when he gets bigger, lippier and tougher how it will all pan out.

I think that there is violence in the family background. My friend is a single mum and lives with her mum and step dad, and has mentioned step dad RECENTLY, (ie to a grown 29 year old woman, his step daughter ffs) wrestling her to the ground and her kneeing him in return. Thus i wonder if it is all natural to her.

Makes me so sad but as i said, also makes me worry how my dd perceives it all.

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buffythenappyslayer · 04/04/2006 19:30

the only time i have ever smacked ,was my ds1 (who is now 14,and was 3 at the time),he bit dd2 who was 3 months old.i was horrified.i smacked his bum (he was still in nappies at the time,so it didnt hurt,but was a shock for him)i cried for an hour and kept saying sorry!
i dont think smacking has an effect on them tbh,all it shows them is deal with it with violence.just the thought of hurting my kids upsets me,i couldnt do it.i remeber mil smacked him after he had slapped her across the chops,i screamed at her and stormed out!she told me 'he needs to learn',what,learn how to smack people,i dont think so!

Angeliz · 04/04/2006 19:34

My cousin who i adore but rarely see (maybe once evry few years) brought her baby boy of 11 months to mine a few weeks ago to see my dd of 1. They were playing and he bit (going through a stage of biting she said), at one point he bit my cousin, his Mum, and she smacked his little hand really hard. I cringed and said something like 'oh i'm sure he doesn't understand' but not in an argumentative way.
Fortunately she didn't take offence but i was very uncomforatble seeing a baby being smacked.

I was actually thinking this morning that i am so glad i don't smack as i was so so cross with dd1 who was screaming in my face at the back door, if i smacked i'm sure it would have been too much ikswim!!
I don't agree with smacking at all.

Waswondering · 04/04/2006 19:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FairyMum · 04/04/2006 19:40

You get the children you deserve.....

myermay · 04/04/2006 19:51

angeliz, , can't believe someone would smack an 11mth old, that's so sad, they have no idea.

Agree, that is excessive smacking. Why would you smack just because your child touches the bin, she must've been constantly telling him off.

I feel so mixed up regarding smacking, i wish i was more confident in my style of parenting, but sometimes when you come from a strong, opioniated family, you can get drawn into thinking the same as others. My mum & my sister are v. smacky happy. I know for a fact that my mum thinks my v.defiant 3yo son needs a good smack. When he has massive tantrums she thinks a wallop would pull him out of it! I've listened to her a couple of times and did it, but guess what......made absoloutly no difference what so ever, infact made his behaviour worse and made him start to smack me back too. I try desperately hard not to smack now, especially when he pushes me so far i feel i would explode - the only time i will smack is if he does something that i consider would risk his life, eg, runninginto the road.

My sister smacks all the time and kind of gloats about it. If i say ds1 did this today, she says, well my ds did that i smacked him for it and he stopped it immediatly - really annoys me. She apologies to her ds all the time and he adores her but is equally terrified. She said it's good that her kids are warey of her, it makes them behave.

Sometimes, when you see such good behaviour from kids who are smacked it makes me wonder if it really is so bad, and if i'm doing it all wrong. If that makes sense? All i know is that i hate the way i feel after i've smacked, so don't do it anymore.

Sorry for the ramble!

drosophila · 04/04/2006 20:10

IME the people I know who smack do it indoors and never in public. This brings with it other problems cos when they misbehave in public they are unwilling to use their chosen method (smacking) and seem at a loss.

I don't smack but my sister and her husband did a lot and it eventually developed into punching. My Mum who certainly didn't spare the rod was even disturbed by what she saw.

myermay · 04/04/2006 20:12

what do you mean, they punched their kids? or have i misread this

sunnydelight · 04/04/2006 20:14

Whether you agree with smacking or not, 20 months is far too young. I'm not trying to start a ruck but to me hitting a baby of that age is assault, not discipline!

Ulysees · 04/04/2006 20:28

I don't agree with smacking as a rule but know people who give the odd smack and it's up to them but this age is awful

WestCountryLass · 04/04/2006 20:50

I personally think she was a being slap happy.

I am of the belief that most parents who smack use it as a last resort and your friend needs to learn otherways to discipline her child (even if she chooses to smack when other methods have failed). That being said, the parents I know who smack, threaten it and smack all the time and don't appear to use other methods.

And, yes, when I see parents hitting their kids I cringe.

Sparklemagic · 04/04/2006 20:50

In answer to the OP, I feel a bit cross with the parents who I see smack. I'm sure there are numerous times I could have smacked my DS but I have worked hard and thought hard all through his life to find ways of dealing with him which are more useful to him, to teach him how grown ups deal with eachother in the real world, and to teach him that being small and vulnerable does NOT leave you open to being hit by someone who is in a position of power.

In the vast majority of cases it's sheer laziness that leads to smacking. Laziness of thought in that people can't be bothered to think of other ways round it.

I hate it. I always did before I was a mum and now I have done the 'coal face' of terrible toddlerdom, and have never been even near thinking of smacking him, I hate it even more because I know there are better ways.

Pruni · 04/04/2006 20:56

Fairymum I disagree with what you wrote.
It's perfectly possible to have a biting/smacking/throwing/tantrumming child without "deserving" it.

I find it absolutely gutting to see children being hit. 20 months old and being smacked several times a day?

Bugsy2 · 04/04/2006 20:57

I feel so desperately sad when I see that kind of smacking & I feel so uncomfortable I usually have to go.
If I was feel very brave, I might try and say something like "Do you find that works", but I know that I probably wouldn't change that persons mind about smacking & therefore in those circumstances, I would have to gather up my own children and leave.

jmum6 · 04/04/2006 20:59

Totally disagree with smacking, especially as I'm a teacher, so it's been ingrained in me!

However dp agrees with smacking so we have a problem.

I was smacked as a child, but only about 3 times, and I can remember each and every one. I think smacking could be effective if used sparsley as a last resort - more as a shock tactic, certainly not to be dolled out willy nilly. I however, could never smack my child.

Do really believe that a smack is a hit, and if you smack a child you are really saying that it's ok to hit or physically hurt someone.

I'm hoping we'll be able to discipline ds without the need to resort to smacking so dp can see it is possible.

HRHQueenOfQuotes · 04/04/2006 21:00

"Her ds is about 20 months, and within the space of 3 hours I think she had smacked him 7 or 8 times. I think this is excessive. Or am i just very very sheltered and/or opinionated?? "

That is very excessive - and that's coming from a smacker!!! Neither of my 2 got smacks until they were over 2yrs old. And even on 'bad' days 1 or 2 smacks between the two of them is the most they'll ever get - we can go days - ocassionaly if it's not the school holidays weeks - between smacks.

onlyjoking9329 · 04/04/2006 21:01

i agree with sparklemagic i think smacking is lazy and means you don't have to think of other ways of doing things, i was beaten very badly as a child by foster parent, as a result i would never smack anyone child or adult, there have been times when i have felt like hitting out and i have had to leave the room, i have three kids who have autism, they are very visual learners, if i were to smack them then they would think it was ok to smack me back and where would it end.

HRHQueenOfQuotes · 04/04/2006 21:02

"IME the people I know who smack do it indoors and never in public"

Nope - DS1 got a smack in the middle of town just 2 or 3 weeks back.

FairyMum · 04/04/2006 21:10

Pruni,absolutely!
Biting/smacking/throwing/tantrumming child is not what I meant. I think if you smack all the time and smacking is your main form of "discipline" like it seems in some of these cases, you will get a badly behaved child. And I am not talking toddler tantrums. These parents are not communicating or teaching anything to their children. I agree its lazy parenting.

Sparklemagic · 04/04/2006 21:13

thank goodness for people like you onlyjoking, who have the thoughtfulness to break the cycle - so many people would say "well, it never did me any harm" but you have been able to learn from a bad experience. Sorry that you had to go through it from a foster carer, how awful!

Pruni · 04/04/2006 21:14

Sorry FM - just a bit sensitive about it!
has been quite a shock to me (not the tantrums, the rest of it).

Original poster

alittlebitshy · 04/04/2006 21:21

Thanks for your replies.

definitely food for thought.

I think i may have once or twice smacked, and i so so so regret doing so. I can see how easy it could be to smack in anger, and as dd and i both have real tempers.... that would be explosive. So we have agreed that as myermay said, the only time we would smack would be if her life was in danger (the most obvious being that she was about to run in the road!!!)

I am at a real loss as to hwo to deal with this friend in my mind. I can see that this is how she parents, and clearly it is "what you do" to her. I have never noticed if the child's dad (who we also know and has the ds at weekends etc) smacks.....

I am not a confident enough person to approach her, although, don't get me wrong... if i thought she was about to do something extremely wrong or had really hurt him, i WOULD say so (i guess i'm a wimp, cos here i am sitting, watching and not acting in general). The thing is I was watching her today and one of the other children there is a boy around my dd's age (coming up to 3), and he is a real live wire and does attack the other children, and us mums too..... However, his mum DOESN'T appear to smack but this woman (sorry v confusing - the mum in the OP) was merrily pushing him back.... if one of the 2 boys pushed... she would reciprocate. I am just glad my dd didn't act up, cos i would have exploded had she laid a finger on her. I am all for other mums disciplining my dd if they see something that i missed.... hell, i do it to theirs... it is a way of making dd know that i am on her side, i don't just tell her off and let the world get on with hurting her, i will watch out for her as well as watch her iyswim. But physically imposing your strength on any child, let alone someone else's is imo WRONG!

I know I am digresisng from my Op, but I am so het up about the situation. i don't want to be a weak woman who sits back and lets things happen, but i also wory that it isn;t my place to criticise someone else's parenting.

arghhhhh!

confusing myself now.

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Original poster

alittlebitshy · 04/04/2006 21:26

oh, and i know this is beside the point, but it equally disturbs me... this little boy's parents (not together) have apparantly both made comments about the inevitability that their son (their baby fgs) will do stuff like smoking joints. the dad was heard to have said "the first thing i'll do is teach him how to do a rollie". I would have thought you;d hope your child would NOT learn your bad habits.

I know i sound like i am criticising, and maybe i am, but i suppose it;s all on my mind and tumbling out now, but i also hate the way this mum merrily swears in almost every other sentence in front of all the children. It makes me so

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