I need Help - I'm a crap Mum, and ds is driving me mad (sorry quite long, but it needed to be)

[deegward]

Today was no different to any other day in our house.. I lost my temper with ds1 when after he got up, he didn't want to get dressed. Ie He just said no no no, and then start to whine and cry and say he didn't want to. I ignored him for 20mins and got on with other things, and went back again to explain what we could do if he was dressed he said he didn't want to do any of those, and wanted to just waatch tv. I then sort of lost it, and yelled at him carried him back up stairs to bedroom and left him there tellling him he could come down when he wanted to get dressed. After three times taking him back up, I then smacked (yes I know I did say I was a crap mum!) and dragged his clothes off. Eventually he calmed down, and we cuddled, and he said "I know I was wrong but I get all tangled up, and get angry with myself" I cried at this point.

I don't want every day to be like this, as at some point he has a tantrum like this if he is asked to do something he doesn't want to. I have tried the stickers, putting him to his room, and ignoring the bad behaviour to the extent that one day we didn't get out the house until 3.30pm!

I feel sometimes that I could really hurt him badly although I have stopped myself. Ds is 3 and 9 months, and I think he should have grown out of this behaviour so it only leaves bad parenting as the answer. Please MNers make this better for me!

oh deegward, I couldnt read this without replying although I dont have much constructive advice - I have a 4 year old DD and relate to a lot of what your saying. The bit that really struck a chord with me was what your son said about being angy with himself - I know your reaction is to get upset - not long ago I posted a thread about some pretty profound things DD came out with and they were getting me down until the lovely MNers made me realise that being able to express such mature emotions is a really GOOD thing :D

There have been some similar posts recently about struggling with kids of your sons age (3-5) so your not alone!! Im sure others will be along soon to help

Becca
xxx

Deegward, I too got pretty cross with mine today as well (hence my nickname). When your son says he gets tangled up, does he mean with his clothes or in his mind? I know someone on here will come up with something constructive for you but in the meantime just keep up the cuddles and remind yourself of the good bits that come with parenting.

Thanks Becca & BB. No it's not clothes, its in his mind, he is now sitting downstairs with very dh, laughing at Tom and Jerry, so he can be happy, he just has terrible mood swings. I have since yesterday cut sweets out his diet, and he diet is quite healthy ie home made food yulk, not processed stuff. Never mind I try to say that there are owrse parents, but when it is happening I feel like the worse mum in the world.

Oh deegward, don't feel bad, a lot of us have been there! No, I don't think it's down to bad parenting and I don't think he should have grown out of it by now - lots and lots and lots, well no, not lots and lots, MOST 3.9 yos are like this sometimes/often. I doubt I'll be contradicted on this. He's a normal stroppy nearly 4yo and it really isn't just you. Clothes are very often a flash point and certainly were in our house. I used to threaten to take ds to playgroup in his pyjamas so he was certainly behaving in a similar way at 3+. I will admit to having felt like hurting my ds sometimes (in an I'm VERY-angry-I-didn't-know-I-could-feel-such-rage kind of way) but I didn't, ever, and neither have you. You said you stopped yourself so well done. It is so frustrating sometimes isn't it? I think it's understandable to feel like this but not acting on it is what makes us normal and not abusive as parents.

I'm sure others will have some good suggestions but what worked for us was laying out clothes the night before - he chooses them. We still do this now he's 6 but he can still make a fuss if we forget to do it and the clothes he wants aren't available (sorry, don't mean to make you feel it will go on forever, it is better, lots).

I also used to do the counting thing, might this be worth a go? i.e. "wonder if you can get your trousers on by the time I count to 10?" Much sympathy.

Just to add, I think it's normal unless he's like it ALL day, but I don't think that's what you're describing is it?

thanks www, its is good to know - and I know others are but don't admit it - there have been other children like this

Hi deegward - if it's any comfort, dd1 (four next month) is exactly the same about getting dressed and it's the major cause of conflict between us. It's just so frustrating, isn't it? Such a trivial activity making us both miserable. I can't remember who came up with the term 'threenagers' but it just about covers the struggle for independence they're going through. Hugs xx

Just at the moment we have a row with dd EVERY DAY about getting dressed. And she isn't three till next month.

YOU ARE DOING YOUR BEST -never ever forget that and you are not alone. Most of the mums I know have said 'if only i could have a 2 week holiday/ full nights sleep i know i could do such a better job!' I hit rock bottom last year and as they say you can only go up, so I tried to turn it around. I moved area, went on a 'transcendental meditation course" (I ain't no hippy!) which has helped me to rise above my feelings when the @!xx hits the fan. I also went on a communication course called 'nvc' (non-violent communication or compassionate communication) as after 32 years of conditioning i didn't want to be doomed to repeat the mistakes for my next generation. see www. cnvc.org and then go into articles where they have advice about bringing up kids. One example would be instead of saying 'don't spill your juice' would be 'hold on tight to the cup' it builds on self-esteem, structure, positive language (words like no, can't , don't, are taken out of the vocabulary and no threats or humiliating the child in order to try and get him to do things) you have to anticipate what buttons he presses that ends up in an argument and try and turn it around to what you need to say in order to get him to cooperate.

1. tell him first thing during breakfast that your going out today, keep voice really positive maybe if you have time we can go to the park on the way home, feed ducks etc.
2. tell him your going to turn off the tv after this program has finished
3. say "im going to turn it off now and do so - it is very hard to compete with the tv, try and make it available to him as a reward or make it into a game if it helps say bye bye to tom and jerry...' if he still say's no try 'here comes the tickle monster, turn it off yourself and tickle him before he goes into strop (is that mean!!?) now say it's time to get dressed so we can go out - it helps to always give warning of what your going to do and also a short explanation of why you want them to do it whether its getting dressed, tidying up etc. at this age always meet them half way so if its time to tidy up, a short explanation of how its time to put your things away so we don't fall over or break them and then you can make a new train track tomorrow then tidy together and thank him and praise him about what a good job he's done and how its made you happy that all the toys are tidy
4. wickedwaterwhitch has good idea about laying out clothes night before -when kids have choice they sometimes can't cope though count ing to 10 thing can backfire if you start to use threats with it. best to try and distract while your helping him dress discuss who might be there in town or at park and how exciting it will be. when he's dressed then praise him and focus on now we can go out to the shops and park -always follow through with the promise. 5.Hopefully after sucessful trip then talk about what a nice time you had and how your son was so kind to take turns on the slide for example.I once read 'IT'S NOT OUR JOB AS PARENTS SIMPLY TO TAKE CARE OF OUR CHILDREN, BUT TO HELP THEM LEARN HOW TO TAKE CARE OF THEMSELVES. Go and pour yourself a glass of vino and start tomorrow afresh - never dwell on the past. children are like little buddha's - they live in the now but they will test us to see where the boundries are. hope my rambling makes sense.

deegward - no practical advice as only have one DS and he is 2 so not got to this part yet but you sound like a totally normal mum to me. as beccarollover says - it's good that he can express himself so well.

My BF has a little girl the same age and she said to me the other day "I am so tired, every day is a battle from the minute she wakes up to the minute she goes to bed".
Can you take some time off - even if only for couple of hours - go and sit in a cafe and have a coffee, read a book etc. Some time alone can really help.

My ds went through a phase when he simply refused to get dressed. We had to drag the clothes off him kicking and screaming. In the end we gave up and put his clothes on over his pyjamas to avoid the terrible scenes. It worked and the phase passed relatively quickly. Wish I could think of ways around his present totally different phase though....

deegward, my eldest was like this at 3-4. In fact she was foul until she was 11, but that won't make you feel any better!!! Several times I dragged her to primary school in her pyjamas because she refused to get dressed....

The good part of this tale is that she is now almost 18. She is polite to adults, doing well at school, waiting to hear about University, has a Saturday job, has lots of friends and has one of those happy, sociable personalities that mean everyone just loves her.. She dresses herself ( ) (when she isn't lolling about in PJs) & the tantrums are at a minimum.

She was a complete pain at 4 & your post could have been mine. I was the worlds worst & most impatient mother, with the shortest fuse, yet SHE TURNED OUT OK! Better than OK, in fact.

You are not a bad parent. You will get through this. One day you will wonder where the last 14 years went. This phase will not last. Hang on in there. (I also found Time Out works well, when it's You having the Time Out & not the child )

I often used to feel like I was a crap mum, and I often feel ds is such a stroppy tantrum riddled child because I was so bad. But at then end of the day I'm doing my BEST even though he does his best to drive me insane about something or other each and every day.

I can't advise you about parenting as I certainly am no expert and struggle with my own methods, but a little 'tip' to keep you feeling good, is to imagine you have a cup and everytime you or somebody does something for you (you'll be suprised!) no matter how trivial, it maybe just sitting down for 5 minutes to read a letter or have a coffee in peace, that sort of thing. Top up your cup in your mind and everytime you give something, again no matter how trivial, take abit out. The idea is if you keep your cup full you have more to give and share with others and if your cup is empty you are obviously giving too much. I know it sounds abit stupid, but give it a go, it really does work and has helped me loads.

Deegward, ds is 3 and 8 months. Yesterday he was in a strop most of the day and really tested my patience (dh removed him and put him to bed before I got to the end of my tether). I think at their young age our children are still going to have their stroppy days and tantrums (I'm 37 and have days like this). Cant offer any practical advice but pls dont blame it on bad parenting because it is absolutely not. You sound like a lovely and very normal Mum.

I also think this is normal for this age, but just curious about wheather what kind of activities your children do during the day? Do you stay at home with them all day? Do you think perhaps sending them to a playgroup/nursery would help? Maybe they are also bored or feel that they don't have any proper routines/things to do to their days which gets them excited? I don't know anything about your personal circumstances and for all I know this could have been a Saturday. However, I personally think staying at home all day with children this age group could test anyone's patience....

Hi Deegward
Of course you are not a crap mum - agree with everything shrub says. I have a ds almost exactly the same age as yours - it's a really tricky age for boys I think. I think this age is not just about pushing your boundaries but also about feeling their way towards independence, which both thrills and terrifies them at the same time, if you see what I mean. It seemed that your son was trying to say that to you (and I think it's fantastic he can talk about how he feels in that way - you should be proud of yourself for that).
Things which have helped me:

• Encouraging my ds to do as much for himself as possible - for instance he can now get himself dressed and is really proud of himself (I help choose the clothes)
• On the days, when we all have to be out of the house we just don't have the tv on in the morning - it only makes for a scene when it's time to leave. It's a house rule.
• I sat down with dp and we identified 'trigger points' when ds would lose it, all linked to asking him to do something he didn't want to do eg getting dressed, cleaning teeth, getting out of the bath. We then used star charts to encourage good behaviour at those times.
• We realised that a lot of 'bad' behaviour was simply linked to hunger or tiredness and so when those were likely to be factors we tried to limit how much we 'directed' ds and tried to give him a choice (2 options) about how things were done
• A last resort we have if he is really not responding to a request is 'counting to five' - if I get to five a favourite toy goes in the cupboard for a day (this never has to happen now, I hardly ever get past 3) Hope this helps.

I often think that one of the downsides of Mothering is that WHATEVER you do you mostly end up thinking you're crap at some stage, or over some aspect of this all-encompassing job. Being Crap is somehow an occupational hazard!

My DS is younger than yours, but I too get into the same sort of situations where I end up feeling guilty, and haven't even got the job done. So now, especially when I am feeling a bit short tempered or in a hurry, I try and solve the problem from the outset, IYSWIM. Think through the whole process in all it's grim reality before I begin, and contingencies for a 'no' at any point. It means I end up being more involved in the process, it's full on labour-intensive in the instant psychology department, but in the end it is quicker, and happier....won't go into detail as Shrub has said it all v well. I'm sure that you DO all that in other situations, the trick is to stop and have a little breathe before you even embark on a huge task like getting a pre-schooler dressed!
Sometimes I imagine I am a celebrity, or a character like Miffy's Mother, (who, in the video is nausiatingly nice) and do the whole thing in role...it keeps me amused, and helps create a bit of distance from which I can look at my own actions. But DS is now obsessed with me being Miffy's Mother and wants me to keep it up full time, including when I answer the phone.

Thank you to everyone who has responded, I feel so mucj better knowing I'm not on my own (hurrah ofr Mumsnet!). Shrub, I am now going to look up that site, I did do NLP (neurolygustic programming) in a previous life, and it sounds very similar although that related to work not kids. Although...

Today started good, got bad ( but I stayed +ve) and then at this point is OK. I have bought omega 3 oils and he hashad his first dose, so we will see.

Yes I agree, there are triggers, and he starts school nursery next Thursday so that will help. Today we went out for a walk when he was on the verge on a strop, and it did help. Who said parenting, and being a SAHM was easy! Thank you again to all