if you haven't got anything good to say...

[thewomanwhothoughtshewasahat]

...don't say it.

Do you think this is a good maxim to tell children? bearing in mind that "good" doesn't mean agreeing, it just means constructive, not nasty, not sarcastic, not unsupportive. Certainly tell my children this because I tend to think it's something they need in order to grow up into likeable adults.

I absolutely agree with this. can't stand the (seemingly) new approach of young adults on reality shows who say things along the lines of "I'm me, I'll say what I want, and like what I say, people have to take me as I find me".
Seems so selfish and just so lacking in social niceties.
That's not to say that you can never disagree with someone or learn to put your point across constructively, jsut that it has to be constructive and well thought out.

Yes and it would be good if we were all 'nice' at all times.

Life ain't like that though is it? Some days you're low, some you're high, some days little things irritate that wouldn't have bothered you the day before. Some days you are maturity personified some days you feel mischievious - it's all part of of life's rich tapestry.

But deffo teach your kids the right way, but don't be surprised if they stray now and again.

Agree with JT, this is a very good standard to aspire to, but don't be too hard on them when they slip up occasionally.
Mischief fine though JT - but that's different to malice, surely?

It 's important to respect other people views and not to cause offense. It seems nowadays people tend to find it hard to balance the two and can across as uninterested and truly rude IYKWIM. So it is important for children to learn the social codes, makes life easier.

sort of agree

but cannot wholly as find immnese satisfaction in being a) bitchy or b) sarcastic or c) sweary depending on moood

yes i was brought up with mrs doasyouwouldbedoneby

sounds reasonable!

In the past I've used 'is it true, is it kind, is it necessary?' - has to be at least 2 out of 3!

Eg it might not be kind to tell someone their dog has died, but it is both true and necessary.
It might not be necessary to tell someone their hair looks particularly nice, but it would be both true and kind.
It might not be true to tell a nervous, ugly bride in an outfit you despise that she looks radiant on her wedding day, but it is both kind and necessary!

hmmm. if you havent' got anything nice to say, get online. :o

or whisper it. or don't let mum and dad hear you.

TBH brutally honest, some of the most irritating, sanctimonious, two-faced individuals I have met have been the ones who adhere to "If you can't say something nice don't say anything at all."

I agree, be lovely and generous and do beautiful things, but let's not confuse that with being "nice" - sometimes things are not nice.

I like Mrs Badger's way - very sensible method!

Could you please pass this advice onto my FIL

I never said anything about being "nice". I just think gratuitous sarcasm - especially if you don;t know the recipient very well - is, tbh, childish. And on line there's less excuse for it - the option of saying nothing is more realisable than in rl.

has this kicked off yet?

if it does I will retreat into a corner and watch

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anyone come sit by me.

I think it's only reasonable to allow them to vent in the privacy of their homes, but to make it clear that this is different from being overheard saying rude things.

I don't think censorship works and they mustn't be denied the full gamut of their views, otherwise you might make them feel bad for having perfectlyh natural negative views about people.

Fair enough. It's just that people saying absolutely nothing in the face of an obviously shit/unfair/cruel situation brings me out in hives. (I speak from experience, sadly!)

I don't mean being nasty to people, that's a different matter, and isn't really acceptable I don't think, most of the time.

Really like Mrs Badger's thoughts but on my calendar at work it does say

If you haven't got anything nice to say come and sit next to me

So, say, making someone completely cack themselves in fright, would be quite cruel and unnecessary, then, Pruni?

Yes that would be completely unacceptable and would require approximately 29 grovelling apologies. Oh come on it was funny.

A-ha! So you still find your wanton cruelty amusing, do you?

my Mum used to say this all the time when we were children.
Funnily enough, she completely ignores her own advice now...
I like MrsBadger's one as well - think it is important as there is no need to say a lot of the things that people say.

Does "it would be funny" count towards it being necessary?

Probably not. Shame.

F+Z it was a triumph!
But I am sorry you soiled yourself. Truly.

Agree about Mrs Badger's method - need to teach myself that unfortunately.

I still flinch if I hear the name "Juliet". My counsellor says I stand a good chance of getting over it eventually, though.