Feeling Overwhelmed

[keziah]

I am really struggling at the moment with my three children and would dearly love some moral support! Advice would be great too but I do feel that there isn't much that can be done to change my situation at the moment. My children are 4,2 and 9 months and I am finding most days really hard. I am tired, irritable, confused and guilty. I am sure there are more things too . They are all lovely children, bright and energetic but I feel like I am just getting through, not really contributing much to any of them, and often wishing that I could retreat to a quite corner (or even my bed!) and read or just not have to look after them. I am at home with them all the time and I want to enjoy it (at least some of the time). I am sure it should be more fun than this. There are good moments but they are just that. I can't even manage to keep the house in any sort of order. It's really dirty (not just dust - I don't dust!!) At the end of the day all I manage to do is keep it on the brink of total chaos. This is one of the things I find really stressfull. For lunch half the time I just literally chuck a bit of bread and cheese on a plate because they are either crying or hanging on my legs. I know that if I were more organised I could run things better but I just can't be bothered to do this. I want to do the least possible to get by. What I want is time off from the childcare thing then I think I may not feel so overwhelmed. The thing is that my husband also feels overburdened and tired (he runs his own business), and my family don't help much. My parents both still work and never really offer to take any of the children. I have to start another thread somewhere about that! None of my family seem to be able to cope with the children. So it is really hard to get time. My husband is really great and does try to let me get out for a Saturday morning when he can but it is hard for him. The other thing is that our house is really really small - all the children are in one room and we are really restricted in the space that we have. Basically two up two down. This is why my husband works so hard - we should be able to move this summer. So I think I have written too much now! I'm not sure I'm managing to say this very well. It's really theraputic just writing it down though actually - mumsnet is a really great help!! I just feel like such a failure sometimes and I want to enjoy my children more. Any ideas? Thanks everyone...

Keziah, you're not a failure when your children are "lovely, bright and energetic"!! You're doing a great job, so don't knock yourself. Bread and cheese is fine for lunch and the housework will keep for when the children are older, though I understand if it bothers you.

As to finding time for yourself, some colleges run a scheme whereby trainee nursery nurses come to your house and help with the children. I'm not sure if you can leave the children with them and go out but it might be a help just to have someone else around. Another possibilty is the HomeStart scheme, run by some local councils. It's a kind of befriending scheme, with mums with older children coming to give you a hand. You should be able to find phone numbers for your college and the council in your local phone book.

I lost the plot years ago with regard to housework but have recently joined the American FLYlady It sounds terribly twee but I've found it a real help. She tells you what and when to do housework, which seems very patronising but in fact, all she does is break it down into manageable bite-sized chunks. Nothing takes longer than 15 minutes!

HTH!

Poor you, Keziah! I have just written a reply to your 'parents' thread so I won't elaborate here. If it makes you feel any better, I could have written your posting word for word and I'm sure lots of other Mumsnetters could too! You sound like you are expecting alot of yourself, and when you fail to achieve it you just feel even worse. If I could show you the 'carpet' of peas, satsumas, chips etc scattered over my kitchen floor from lunchtime I'm sure you would feel much better.

My 3 are a bit older than yours, but I don't have any good tips for you. I've found that if I give more time to the kids, the house suffers, and vice versa. Do you have somewhere you could escape to for a few hours, an understanding, helpful friend perhaps, or someone in the same boat? Sometimes it's nice just to shut the front door on the chaos, even if you know you've got to go back to it eventually. If you can turn the situation round and end up laughing about things (ie. the state of the house, the state of you etc) it helps you to stop things getting on top of you and you cope better. You're doing a good job despite what you think!

Keziah, I really feel for you. I read your other thread and empathise with the lack of involvement from your extended family. Unfortunately I don't have an answer and it won't help you to know but lots of women are in your situation. The only way I have partly overcome this lack of input is to help out friends (who are in similar situations) and they do the same for us. Whilst we remember grandparents haaving a huge input in our own childhoods for a variety of reasons it has not happened with the next generation. You really do need to get some time out... maybe you could do what my husband and I do. We resolved this problem by taking time out alone each week. In the beginning I would spend an entire morning in the bathroom with a book, & coffee simply pampering myself. Basically Saturday is split between the two of us and Sunday is our family day. It made a huge difference. What is important is to do something for you. My husband often spends his time out at home but closeted away luxuriating in his hobby. I tend to get out of the house but at the moment am working on a painting so use every spare moment on that. I also make myself get up an hour earlier just to get the house to myself. I thought this would be a trial as 14 months after the birth of our son I am only now beginning to deal with the exhaustion but it seemed really important to do this for me.

Don't be so hard on yourself about your domestic skills. Yes, organisation will help but you need space (both physical and mental) to get organised and at the moment you have neither. If you have some time to think about you then the duller aspects of being at home with children will perhaps be less burdensome. It isn't easy but your despair seems quite normal to me. Most people would not find it at all easy to feel trapped with children all day everyday - how ever much one loves them - you do need support, and I am sure others here will have some more practical ideas. best wishes, and welcome to Mumsnet, Winnie

hi keziah

i really feel for you. you're doing really well to look after 3 kids under five all day without a break or family support! i know you are saving up to move, but just in case you find any slack in the family budget you may want to consider (either or both) finding a childminder one day a week to give yourself a break and/or getting a cleaner. alternatively, if you found the energy to go mum and baby type groups, perhaps you could meet people in a similar situation with whom you could get a reciprocal childcare break rota set up. or advertise on mumsnet noticeboard!

good luck!

I think everyone has said how I feel. No way are you a failure at all. What does housework matter. Find time for yourself it is important too. Try for a few minutes a day having some quiet time perhaps when they are in bed. Loads of mums are undervalued. It is stressful sometimes and very hard.

I think everyone has said how I feel. No way are you a failure at all. What does housework matter. Find time for yourself it is important too. Try for a few minutes a day having some quiet time perhaps when they are in bed. Loads of mums are undervalued. It is stressful sometimes and very hard.

i agree with winnie.i myself have two kids and no input from anyone except my partner.i dont get on with most of my family due to the fact that they try to portray themselves as wonderful family members when really they couldn't care less.i currently do what winnie suggests,i share my kids with my friend and her kids with me,if that makes sense.if she needs piece and quiet her kids come and play at my house or if she needs to go out without them or in bad weather they come to mine and if her work schedule overlaps her dh's then again they come to mine,she also does the same in these situations with my kids so it really works well.also keziah if you dont mind me saying you sound like you could be a bit depressed and maybe you should speak to your h.v or doctor about how you feel i felt exactly the same when i suffered from depression especially the wanting to go into a corner and not even look at the kids or housework let alone do anything about them,so maybe you could find someone to talk to,it might help.

Keziah - I know exactly how you feel and I've only got one and I work all week! To think of having another 2 younger ones!

If you can just find a friend to moan to and laugh about it with, it does help put things in perspective.

I bring my daughter up on my own and I don't have any family nearby, but I find just breaking the day down (just weekends for me, I know) into managable chunks helps. Just trips to the library or a differnt park or town to shop in helps. And definitely being out helps - you have to be on best behaviour and not succumb to rages when in public (I don't practice what I preach, by the way).

As for houseowork, well I know if you were houseproud before, it must be difficult, but really, sod the housework. I had the same can of Mr Sheen for 7 years - and that was pre- child, so you can imagine the slum conditions I'm in.

With regard to suedonim's message about help from a trainee nanny: I have a girl who comes from Princess Christian College in Manchester. They are always looking for people who live locally. This may be useful information for other people living in South Manchester who feel similarly overwhelmed. I do sympathise with Keziah's situation and have found myself feeling guilty about how bad-tempered I have become with my 3 year old boy. Picked up 'I'm ok - you're a brat' by Susan Jeffers in the library which to some extent alleviated the guilt. Sometimes when I feel it's all too much I remind myself it's not going to be forever. Imagine in only 3 years or so they'll all hopefully be at school.

Keziah - you're by no means a failure, more the opposite. My kids are 2 yrs and 9 months and I still feel overwhelmed at times despite having a cleaner and other mod-cons. It's worst when they're both crying shudder.
What's your health visitor like? Because in this kind of situation they should be able to tell you what's available locally re. child care etc..
I understand you feel stressed out about the household. You'll probably think this is mad - but how about using paper plates and plastic cutlery so that at least you don't have much washing up to do? I know it's very environmentally unfriendly, but it's worked for us in times in need before we got a dishwasher. For cleaning antibacterial wipes do the job ok and you can clean the loo in seconds with them.
Hope things ease up for you soon!!!

Keziah...I am in exactly the same boat as you...my three are the same age gap as yours but 6 months behind....I recognise everything that you are saying...I tried all of the "practical" tips...they did help momentarily but after seeing my health visitor realised I have post natal depression. It was hard for me to recognise as I thought I was just not coping, I wasnt weeping etc but I was physically exhausted to an unbelieveable degree. On Christmas day my husband had to persuade me to get out of bed to see the children open their presents. I have started on antidepressants and my life has turned around. After 2 weeks I woke with a spark of energy...I did all my laundry in one day...I was so proud of myself....I had reservations about taking medication but I did it for my children...they dont deserve the indifferent, moody, angry person I had become. The alternative of not taking the medication was up to a year of living in that state. Depression can be a real taboo but is a physical/chemical/clinical condition that needs treating fast and effectively. I have also accepted that this year will be the most challenging in my life so I have decided not to extend our cramped house and redirect the money and energy to getting myself and my husband through this. I have got myself a cleaner (whole house done in 2 hrs each week £10...I will probably only need her for another couple of months until things get better)...we pay a babysitter to come in for 2 hours on a wednesday evening so that we can get out together...if I run up a debt this year by doing these things then so be it ...I am buying myself and my family some time and sanity.

Thanks so much for your replies - just writing down how I felt and then reading all your posts has been a big relief. It is very reasuring to have some virtual help and nice to know that there are listening ears out there. I don't like to moan too much to my husband as it worries hime and makes him work even harder! My friends are good although I only have one other friend who is a full time mum and I think she feels very much as I do a lot of the time (although she has a much cleaner house!!). All my other friends work part time and I often think that must be even harder.
I am trying to write this with my baby on my lap and my son doing some snipping (thanks for the tip Rozzy!) so hope I can get to the end of what I want to say!
It's good to know that you all think I'm not doing to badly. When I look at things from a not exhausted point of view it never seems so bad. I think as you all say that the key is to find some time to yourself - I like the bathroom idea Winnie! You would think that I should have this down to a tee now after four years! I like what Steve Bidulph has to say about look after yourself first, then your partnership then the children. It's so easy to forget yourself.
Thankyou very much for all your ideas - I had wondered about getting a childminder for a day - this may be a bit of a luxury really but could definately help. My HV did talk about my having a nneb student and I turned it down - didn't want her to think I couldn't cope - seems a bit lame when I write that down! The same with the possibility of my being depressed - Loobie I have thought that perhaps this is a problem - I actually made up the answers on the after birth test my HV gave me because I didn't want her to think I was depressed. This probably sounds really stupid. When I have read about PND I have definately recognised many of the symptoms but I do also think that I am very bad at being tired if this makes sense! I am a different person after a week of good sleep. I think I don't want people to know that I feel bad becuase I don't want to admit I can't cope sometimes - pride, self esteem etc. That's one reason it's so nice to be able to post here!
I love the suggestion about the paper plates 2under2 - and I'm sure the children would too! I just entered a comp to win a dishwasher - wouldn't fit in my kitchen but could always save it for later! I do often just wipe plates with a bit of kitchen towel and put the next meal on them. Chanelno5 - Hi - I've read your posts before (been reading this site for months) - I laughed at your comment about your carpet of food - I always think that if you leave stuff to dry out a bit it sweeps up more easily!! Especially noodles.
Regarding the Fly Lady - thanks Sue - I have heard about that site via another really good one called organisedhome.com. I also bought loads of organisation manuals etc. I have a vision of myself in a huge kitchen baking muffins and filling lunchboxes with exiting dinners. I am totally calm and in control - waxed legs - coiffured hair, clean clothes etc etc. Far from reality unfortunately!!! My ambition is to have a really lovely welcoming home just like some american cheesy film - honestly!! I'm definately going to check out flylady.
Also I will read that book you suggest Manky - I like the sound of the title!
Tinker - one child can be really hard actually - in some ways I find it easier having more - they do play well together most of the time! I am in awe of you working and managing the home on your own! Thanks for your support...
BossyKate - My husband has threatened to get a cleaner many times! I always get really angry with him for insinuating that the house is dirty (I can be soo horrible!!) You are right though - a cleaner would be lovely.
I am so pleased to have finally managed to write something on the board. Hopefully I will manage to send in some advice and support for other people - it has meant a lot to me that you all took the time to help me out. Thanks again. I really needed to unburden myself. Feel a lot better for it...

Knackered - I hope you don't mind me asking, but what anti depressant have you being prescribed - it sounds like it's doing the job - glad you're starting to feel better.

knackered your description of depression and your comments on antidepressants are SPOT ON!
I have been there too, was against taking medication ( can't believe I was that stupid but I suppose it ws all past of the depression)but in desperation went to my GP and took his advice re medication. I was a new woman within 4 wekks or so. Actually the truth is I was my OLD self again and discovered I was quite a nice happy person.
Out of interest I was prescribed prozac. Worked great. After a while ( a year or more) I felt I was sinking under again, so my medication was switched to citalopram and that worked a treat too.
I have been drug free for three years but would not hesitate to go back on meds if needed.

Glad to hear that you are feeling much better about things Keziah. Keep positive, remember that you are a good Mum and if you need a laugh log on to Mumsnet! And what does it matter if your house is a total tip because mine is too!!

Dear all, I would be v interested to hear any experiences of anti depressants. I had v severe PND (never had depression before) and took seroxat for 18 months then weaned myself off it v slowly. (Had felt 100% for months). One month later panic attacks returned and started on seroxat again. Christmas was terrible and I'm still feeling awful - no enthusiasm for anything and I just don't feel anything.
1/ Has anyone taken seroxat and noticed they feel worse before better?
2/ Anyone with any experince of other anti depressants - and how they worked?
Hope you dont mind me asking.

Pamina - that story is the funniest thing I have heard for ages!! My mum's house was always full of live mice, dead mice, mouse droppings in the cutlery drawer etc etc - her porch was also full of headless rabbits, rat intestines etc. The cats were really fierce. It is very reassuring to know that I am not the only person worrying about the state of my house!
Knakered - I am really glad you are feeling better. I know what you are saying about difficulty in recognising PND - the symptoms seem to be easily confused with chronic tiredness. I wonder if I should 'brave it' and see my doctor. I felt ok today but I wonder if mood swings is part of PND. I, like many of the people who have posted here worry about the taboo of depression and also about taking anti-depressants. It is reassuring to read about positive experiences of using them.
Kizzie - sorry I haven't got any advice for you about the anti depressants but I just wanted to say that I hope you feel better soon. I have found this board to be a real godsend for so many things - I am sure you will find a lot of help here as Star said.

Gosh, why have I never found this site before? Hello to everyone and thanks for everything that has been said previously. I have two boys (4 and 3) who just seem to drive me batty all the time. Although to be fair, the eldest is at school full time and the youngest at nursery 3 days when I work so really I shouldn't whinge so much. The 4 year old is 'challenging' all the time but also encourages the 3 year old to join in. I think I need to realise when I should get mad and when I shouldn't (not good English but I am sure you all understand). I don't seem to enjoy them any more just spend my life shouting although if I didn't shout I would probably curl up in a ball and cry. I have tried all the things like 'should be thankful we could have kids' and we nearly lost the eldest one so in my rational moments I try to think what it would have been like if we did, but then reason goes out of the window. I have tried to get an agreement with the eldest that if he is good and does things when I ask then I promise not to shout etc. Thing is he forgets a little while after. Am I expecting too much of him and myself? Anyway, I'll stop wittering but thanks for all the other threads and good luck to everyone. Keziah just reading the different comments you have made, I can see that things are starting to get better for you. Hopefully now I have discovered this site, it will work for me too.
Look forward to reading more comments in the future.