On becoming Mary Poppins... Toddler and newborn support thread #2

[ThePinkNinja]

A place to continue the complaining conversation about the hair pulling days and sleepless nights fun and frolics of life with a toddler and newborn

I have just about HAD IT with dd1.

She has been a pain in the ass all day. Whatever we ask her to do she just ignores, says "no" or laughs and does the complete opposite. She has refused to eat what we've given her for meals, instead shouting for bananas, and has been whinging/moaning/demanding all day for everything under the sun.

I just realised that the only times I've properly enjoyed over the past two days have been the two occasions when dh has taken dd1 out and I've been at home on my own with the baby. I feel like I can't even bear to be around dd1 when she is like this

Please someone tell me that this is just a phase as she is dealing with the new baby and that it will end soon.

Yep elles definitely 100% just a phase. My DD has had a couple of extremely annoying ones since dts born, but is currently lovely sometimes . Hang in there and positive praise for absolutely everything she does that's kind/ nice /as instructed for a bit :) Helped me anyway.

Can I just strongly recommend returning to full time work when the baby is 2 weeks as I did? Works a treat. You get 30 minutes on a train reading a novel, then people who treat you well at work and a rest and chance to sit on the loo without being mauled (and I did express breast milk at work) and then lovely babies at 6 when you get home.

Xenia actually very oooooo reading on a train in peace. Wouldn't care if I had my face in someone's sweaty armpit.

I lived far enough out that usually you would get a seat first thing and I certainly remember that break where no child was suckling, no toddler was kicking or being sick and no one crying and you could just sit and be a person for 30 minutes. I have never understood why people ask how I coped with working full time with 3 children under 5. It is massively easier and you get paid a lot andget appreciated than being home with small children. I am not exactly breaking rocks for a living so sitting at a desk even if you are still lightly bleeding after a birth is definitely much less onerous than trying to feed a baby whilst the toddler kicks you and the 4 year old is considering drawing on the wall.

Ooh please can I join? DS is 21 months and DD 3 weeks and I shall need all the tips I can get! DS is just starting to come out of the babymoon phase and is just running around switching lights and plugs on and off, touching the tv/oven/taking books off shelves/standing on furniture and doing lots of whinging/screeching and asking for milk basically by shouting it at the top of his lungs! We have large chunks of the day where he's an absolute dream and is so affectionate with her but it's obviously all taking its toll and from about 4.30 each evening is a total nightmare!

DD seems to be coming out of the sleeping all the time phase a little bit and wants to feed or be held constantly. I feel like a shouty pissed off dairy cow! And the dark circles under my eyes are horrendous despite getting a pretty good sleep every night so far

its nice to read all these posts from others in the same boat, I shall be checking back for tips regularly!

Well after lots of tears yesterday, we decided that today would be a new day and are having a much nicer time already.
We are leaping on every single little good thing that dd1 does and just piling on the praise. It seems to be working so I think the behaviour yesterday was pure attention-seeking.
It's so relentless isn't it??

Hello all. I agree about the nightmare toddler phase after baby born- we are slowly emerging from it- fingers crossed!- and DD is 12 weeks. Positive attention is great, and I found one on one time with someone- me, DH or my mum- really helped enormously.

Xenia- can I just ask- in a totally non judgy manner, as I've been there, in a way- did you not find it difficult to be away from your babies when they were so young? Don't want to derail the thread but am just very curious.

argh having screamy day from hell. DS1 miserable, just want to give him cuddles but the baby will. not. be put down and if I try to cuddle him he kicks me

Thank God both asleep at the mo - of course can't put DS2 down to get anything done and DS1 will probably wake up crying shortly, but a few minutes' peace is sheer bliss.

I need to find my inner saint. She was nowhere to be found this morning.

Hi crazy sorry for the tough day. Hope they are in bed now/ soon and you get a break xx

I had an equally tough day :( ds1's childminder "cancelled" our contract :| more on that later. I'm so angry I have a headache. Also angry that I haven't had a break or help (in the day) for weeks and now who knows when I will :(

Boys also been challenging ds2 currently attached and won't flipping go to sleep whilst ds1 shouting mummy mummy mummy from his cot next door and trying to demand to take all manner of toys and food to bed with him (this weeks new attempt at stalling bedtime.)

Feel so angry at ex childminder I want to cry. Will explain more when - if ever- I get these kids to bed, eat some food, calm down and have a moment :(

Hmmm not much better today. Wrote to childminder last night about her cancelling- with less than 24 hours notice. I feel slightly less angry as at least I've shared what I'm not happy about. But it doesn't change that she was ds1s first carer outside the home and she's ended it poorly.

And I won't get any breaks now (ds1 went twice a week for 3 hours...)

To really start my day nicely ds2 fed hourly. Yes hourly. Through the night.
I'm not really sure what's going on with him as usually he is much less whiney :( although he does still often feed 2 hourly through the night from 1 or 2 am...

How's everyone else?

Horrible. I can't complain as dd is at nursery 3 days a week (have just dropped her off) but poor ds seems really unhappy, crying/screaming loads, writhing around in pain and not feeding properly because he keeps pulling off the boob when his tummy hurts. Dd has just realised that ds is here to stay so wants to be with me the whole time and has started getting up at 5.

Tired....

Love how I started by saying 'I can't complain' then proceeded to do just that!!

Hi pinkninja how old are your DC? Could DS2 be going through a development leap or a growth spurt? The whinging is common with a development leap www.thewonderweeks.com

I had a better day yesterday, DS napped for 2.5 hours - a record for him, I'm usually lucky to get an hour... And DD slept all night only waking twice briefly for a feed. However she is 3 days away from the 1st leap so I'm expecting all Hell to break loose with her soon.

DS is definitely pushing boundaries - I am often unsure how to handle it, I shouted at him yesterday and was a bit rough putting him on the sofa to get his shoes and socks on. He was messing about and DD was screaming and I needed to go out for my whooping cough jab, I was in a hurry because DD had been feeding all morning.. I tried not to beat myself up about it all day but I'm disappointed that I lost it, it's not the way I want to parent at all.

I suppose there's going to be good and bad days and we just have to accept that, but I feel like I'm on an emotional roller coaster at the moment!

Well at least it means I am not here complaining on my own :)

Ds2 does seem to be struggling but I can see to figure it out.... Maybe he is in fact a bit colicky? Its primarily through the night.... I don't know....

Can't believe it's only Tuesday.

How are people dealing with toddlers pushing boundaries? The bed time one in particular, taking toys and books to bed, demanding lights on/off, refusing sleeping bag, etc etc - and of course the getting up at 5 thing. I feel so sorry for dd that her world has changed and I know she's just reacting to the change, but I don't know if I should be letting her off a bit or maintaining a stricter approach? Would love anyone else's view on this...

Hi cup of tea :)
Ds2 is 8 weeks. I have the book but must admit.... I just didn't "get it" the first time.... And didn't finish it (probably as ds1 didn't sleep, had colic and reflux and was generally hard work in the beginning :( )

I'll go have a look at it, :) thanks for the tip she says running upstairs hoping the book has the answers to save the week from its descent to hellish levels

Also don't feel bad re losing it. We all do it ... It's not the best but it's real. She has probably forgotten it already and it's a new day :)

I'm on the same roller coaster, and ds1 knows just how to push all my buttons.... and really seems to enjoy doing it

Crazy horse ds1 pushing boundaries here too....
Our approach (as advised by health visitor and a fe parent friends) has been to react to him in a consistent approach and manner as we would have done before the baby. The idea is that he knows the baby is here, and actually is fine with that as long as he feels that hus relationship with us has not changed and that he can still expect consistancy from us. He is testing that all is the same....

So I tend to try to keep the same approach and response re discipline as we did before. That said we have introduced the time out stool for serious or serial repeat offences. ( he did hit out at ds2 once when he was upset at me, and sometimes to get attention he will repeat behaviours he knows are not appropriate- driving cars on the tv etc. )

Additionally I'm really trying to continue the same positive routines we had (morning kisses, I always go in for a bedtime song after daddy does most of bedtime, etc etc) also really trying to encourage some new skills and give him some new challenges (encouraging him to hold the rail and practice coming down the stairs on his own - with him a step ahead of him should he let go) also we are swapping out his toys weekly to try to keep his mind busy and give him more things to be interested in. (just before ds2 was born I divided ds1's toys into 5 totes and put them into the loft. We basically pack up old toys and get a "new" tote down each week or 2. He really enjoys the new toys and goes into the playroom more willingly. It also means that as his mind is busier he has less time to get up to mischief and push boundaries

That's what we are doing so far :) not perfect but his behavious has improved from a few weeks ago although he has moved on to new tricks like regressing to using baby toys and wanting to lie in ds2's crib etc

Me a step ahead of him

Not him a step ahead of him....

Anyway what is everyone else doing?

Crazyhorse

Just realised as i was desperately fighting with ds1 to get Him into his grobag, and he was trying to get tickles and cause a ruckus that I went off topic - sort of :)

The bedtime one in particular we were having trouble with before ds2 arrived.... Some nights it was taking up to 3 hrs whereas before it was taking 15 minutes or so on most nights.

We "couldn't figure out" what the problem was then realised that actually we had "slipped into the habit if over parenting" (I read baby whisperer for some stuff and find that for me it does tend to help find a good approach.)

So I thought about what had worked for ds1 in the past - being v careful not to do "rewarding behaviour" such as extra cuddles more books / more songs etc and also little / no stimulation- ie no lights, hushed voices, no eye contact.... It worked when he was a baby, so I said to DH that it was worth a try.

Please don't mistake this for like cc. I can't stand to let my dc cry.... But I am not totally soft, we aren't allowing extra toys or extra drinks (he is offered a drink during stories) and it complying for requests for food even when he begs "please flakes" (corn flakes).

If he is genuinely upset we cuddle or whatever until he is settled down we then repeat the final bit of the routine.

The first bit of his routine is dinner/ bath/ stories/ light off/ song while tucking in then we switch on his projector star thing and say love you etc and leave.

So when he is just fussing etc or needs a retuck now I am :
going in, not making eye contact, maybe covering him up if needed, reswitching on the star, then we repeat in a very dull voice "ds1 you are very tired. It is bedtime and you need to go to sleep. Good night." DH always adds I love you. I try to keep it all v plain.

After 3 nights of slightly more protest it has worked a charm and he is back to going to sleep in a reasonable time more often again except the days where we are bad parents and keep him up too late (8pm) by going out running errands and miss the "window"

Hth xx

Ninja is your childminder breaking her contract? That is seriously crap. poor you

crazyhorse I'm just trying as hard as I can to be consistent with DS1, but struggling to remember what consistent looks like!!

I'm finding the days so exhausting. Entertain DS1 til nap time, then spend nap time bouncing DS2 wildly to stop him crying, then entertain DS1 til supper time, then bedtime madness. Just. So. Tired. And DS2 has fed nearly every hour today - 6 week growth spurt at 5+5? Please, whatever it is, let it be over soon!

Trying to make it out to some groups for DS1 but DS2 isn't the kind of baby to sleep angelically in his carseat - I have to bounce him around in the sling, which isn't the most fun for DS1 or me. This will get better soon, right?!

Wow I'm well moany innit

Hello, may I join in? Dd is 2.4 and ds is 3 months today.

Sorry everyone's having a hellish time iof it, me too! Trying to settle Dd in at nursery, plus she's discovered the joys of mealtime battles. Also she wants to leaveany group half an hour after we get there which i'm finding rather frustrating.

Feel so guilty that ds is a dream baby so far.

I did get half an hour with them both asleep today though which lifted my mood no end :)

Erm, I feel like a bit of an imposter with my positively aged dts.... (7 months) but bloody hell weaning is hard work. They can't decide from one day to the next if they'd like to be spoon fed or do blw, DD keeps pulling DT2's fingers out of his mouth and making him cry (he's good at self soothing), keeps trying to roll them onto their tummy as she sees me do, while I deal with one, she might be eg lying on top of the other, but while I'm a bit stuck with a pooey baby or something... And my dad came as reinforcements from 11am...

I think I'm finding it all overwhelming as I'm really, really tired. Sleeping badly, I've got a stinking cold, and DT1 normally wakes 3 times at beat, DT2 twice, maybe overlapping with one wake up, so I'm up 4 times a night easily before the enslaught begins again...

For getting out, I decided early on I was happy with buggy naps, and don't care if they never nap in their cots in the day. So i get the buggy out going into groups and try and walk/ rock them to sleep in it with varying degrees of success . A good friend once continually rocked the babies for me so I got half an hour with DD and a brew at a playgroup. Magic. I guess sling- sleeping is easier, as no buggy to get out, but more limiting for playing with dc1. Maybe a bit of both would be a compromise... Playgroups and exercising/ stimulating the toddler help me a lot. Poor twins get a bum deal, they are in a buggy a lot as I find it easier being out than in. I worked out when they were younger & still now quite a bit they're strapped in buggy/car seat for up to 6 hours a day... And that's not even counting bouncy chairs I didn't dare

Gah, wrote a long post and silly computer lost it. Hello to everyone.

I enjoyed reading this about a new baby in the family.

DS1 has been annoying me despite having been out with DH all day. I don't feel that I like him very much at the moment. :(

I got quite a bit done today, though not as much as I would have liked. We're moving house in the New Year so have loads of decluttering / organising / DIY to do.

I'm struggling with lack of adult company due to being unable to make it out in time for any of our usual groups (all morning ones).

Ninja I've got the book too.. But didn't get to read it until DS had almost gone through all the leaps for the same reasons; he cried all the time, didn't nap, got overtired so cried more and had silent reflux - have you got a smartphone? The app is really good, it has the basics but more helpfully if you put your baby's due date in it tells you when they're due a leap. You can't cure the crying, clinginess or crankiness but I found that if I at least knew the reason for it I could be sympathetic and know it would come to an end because all bad things with babies feel like they're going to last forever