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Parenting

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Original poster

two and then a gap?

23 replies

thewomanwhothoughtshewasahat · 01/04/2006 10:16

anyone got a 5 year gap - or more - between nos 2 and 3? (I'm starting to bore myself on this one but need to sort it out...) does it work? did it feel like a massive step backwards when you were just seeing the light at the end of the tunnel? did she or he bring lovely new light to the family?

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Miaou · 01/04/2006 10:23

The latter. In fact it has worked better than i expected (with a few caveats). Ds is 8 months, dd1 and 2 are 8 and 7. Old enough to have their own "world" at school, and activities out of school, not to feel pushed out by him - and they simply don't need/want my time in the same way (don't need to read them lots of stories or play with them loads - they prefer to play by themselves).

And I didn't find the sleepless nights a big hassle either - however I had a fab pregnancy and dh is at home and helps out loads with the older two whilst I b/f ds etc - so maybe I have it easier than some.

My only concern was that ds would end up a bit like an "only Child" as he got older and the dd's were in their teens, but we've solved that one too - we're going to have another one!!

BettySpaghetti · 01/04/2006 10:24

Funnily enough I've noticed a few pregnant Mums at DDs school who have a child in reception/yr 1 and another further up the school. It does seem to be quite common.

I know my situation is different but I had a 4.5 year gap between first and second -thats worked out really well as No1 is independent enough to get on with a lot of things and help out. Going back to sleepless nights didn't bother me to be honest as at least you know that one day you will sleep again !

What has been lovely is the enjoyment DD has got from her brother -watching him learn to smile/crawl/walk etc. She was old enough to really appreciate and enjoy him especially as he saves his real belly laughs for when hes playing with her!

Miaou · 01/04/2006 10:27

oh yes betty - watching the baby doing the "special smiles" for the older ones - melts your heart!

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BettySpaghetti · 01/04/2006 10:30

It is lovely isn't it -DS seems to have saved a lot of his "firsts" for when DD was there. His first laugh was when she was blowing up a balloon and letting it go so it flew noisily around the room.

Philly · 01/04/2006 10:30

I have 4.10 years between 2 and 3 and it has worked fine.It probably did help in the end that they are all boys as no 3 was quickly absorbed into the team,also his personality is very can do,he will not be left out if he can help it!!I actaually have quite a few friends who have got this type of gap basically decided to have no3 when no2 started school!it seems to work pretty well,I could not have coped with 3 very close togther and we haven't really had any jelousy problems aprt from the usual sibling rivalries.

ds3 starts school himself in Sept but not thinking about no4!this is the only thing which feels a bit odd as ds1 will be in yr8 and ds1 in reception and the ands because of the way things have worked out I will have three in different schools so the logistics are a bit complex.

schneebly · 01/04/2006 10:32

Miaou - I am planning the same as you - have 2 close together and when they are both in school will (hopefully) have another 2 close in age! Hatwoman - I am sure your older kids will enjoy the baby and it will be nice for the baby to have the attention! Go for it!

Londoner · 01/04/2006 10:50

Hi thewoman,

It's sooooo lovely, like having a little luxury all to yourself. Have a 7 year gap between 3 and 4 and it's just bliss. Other children all adore her (14,10,7) and it's very different than when you have two or more little ones all at the same time, a more leisurely tempo like with your first I think....... although do have thoughts like Miaou about them being like an only child later on...... but then maybe that's fine too.... Do they bring lovely new light to the family? Yes!

agalch · 01/04/2006 10:53

My ds1 and ds2 were 13 and 9 when i had dd.It has been amazing but as miaou said it can feel like the baby is an only child.So we solved that one by planning another and i am due in July when dd will be almost 2 yrs old.The older kids have loved having her around and she loves having 2 big brothers.Be warned tho,some rude people will assume baby is a "mistake" and you have had an accident.Most were positive when i told them about our news but some said i was off my head.Good luck anyway.

Original poster

thewomanwhothoughtshewasahat · 01/04/2006 11:11

thanks everyone. Just a note to those having two and two (iyswim)- my best friend was one of a family of four like this and I know that her mum always said it was fantastic - the big family she wanted but time to draw breath inbetween them and enjoy them all.

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Jasnem · 01/04/2006 11:20

Thankyou so much for this thread.
My dds are 5 and 6, and ds is 5 weeks. I planned it like this but people do assume it's a mistake (or I was desperate for a boy after 2 girls ) Lovely to hear it working so well, as I have been worried.
Loads of people (mostly those with 4 kids ) have recommended the 2, then another2 route, but I'm sticking at 3.

It is a bit of a step back (sleepless nights and all that) but I love bringing up a baby, and this time I get to do it while my girls develop in their own ways as well. Wouldn't change a thing

Hulababy · 01/04/2006 11:21

My mum and dad did. They had me and my brother 16 months apart (I am eldest), and then my sister quite a few years later. My sister is 9.5 years younger than me.

As children it was nice to have a baby int he house and someone to show off to our friends. Was a pain for me as I had to share my room - not ideal withthe gap, but we worked round it fine.

I suppose I felt a bit jealous at times to. I was no longer the only girl in the house. And my little sister was obviously more spoilt as not only did parents give her all the attention, she also got it from her much older brother and sister. She still does at 24! And I thin that, especially when she was in her very early teens/pre teens she was much like an only child as I went to uni followed by my brother. that must have been a bit tough on her at times I suspect.

But on the whole it was really nice, and now we are much older we get on really well.

SoupDragon · 01/04/2006 12:40

DS1 and 2 are almost exactly 2 years apart and DS2 is one month short of 5 years older than DD

Original poster

thewomanwhothoughtshewasahat · 01/04/2006 15:50

in fact I'm from a family like this. my brothers are 8 and 6 years older than me. I know I wasn;t really planned as such - in that my parents thought it was impossible for them to conceive - they tried for about 8 years adopted db then did that thing that seemed to happen so often of conceiving naturally. so were very delighted with the family they at one stage thought wasn;t to be. then along popped a baby girl 6 years later (mum was nearly 40). I have to admit that when I was little the gap did feel enormous and in many ways I was like an only child (I used to paster my mum for a sister!) especially as dbs went to boarding school for a few years (not many - they both hated it). But I had an extremely close relationship with my mum - she said herself that right from the beginning I was her friend. And I think as a kid you don;t even think about there being any choice in these matters. yuor family is just your family and you live with it. My brotehrs used to bully me a bit, but I don;t think dds would be like that. Do any of you work btw?

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Original poster

thewomanwhothoughtshewasahat · 01/04/2006 15:51

pester not paster

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Jasnem · 01/04/2006 16:18

Not now, no. I went back part time when the dds were small (I was anurse) but it didn't work for me so I'm at home f/t now, and loving it.

Miaou · 01/04/2006 17:14

Hat, I kind of work - 6 hours a week in the local library, and am trying to set up my own business, but have been trying to do that for about 2 years!! Once it's up and going it should tick over quite nicely in my absence if and when I need to take more maternity leave. Dh is SAHD/WAHD combo so between the two of us we look after the kids fine. It actually runs very smoothly atm.

Oh and algach, I had the "mistake" and "oh you must have been desparate for a boy" thing too - - actually no we always planned it this way!! (well not the girl/boy thing but YKWIM)

agalch · 01/04/2006 17:59

I am a registered childminder so i work but i'm also at home which is great.

Miaou people assumed we were pg in the hope of having a girl after the 2 boys but we would have been delighted to have a boy.This time people are saying oh well you have your girl so who cares what you have.Really annoys meI am grateful to have 3 healthy wonderful kids and if i have a 4th brilliant.

JoolsToo · 01/04/2006 18:05

let's face it hat - once you're baby arrives, no matter what the gap, it will be marvellous - but personally, I'd never have gone for a big gap, back to sleepless nights, nappies etc, no thanks - each to their own though!

TwoIfBySea · 01/04/2006 22:35

Thank you for starting this thread hat woman! You saved me time doing it next year.

Dts are 4 at the moment, we were planning on another one about now but I have a thyroid problem and don't wish to be pregnant while taking medication. Which means plans have had to be put on hold until next summer (it takes 18 months to finish treatment.)

I had worried I was leaving too much of a gap as dh is 10 years younger than his brother and they are like strangers. So I planned another two, which according to the doctors might be at the same time again, fine by me!

Hat woman, it isn't boring, I have been thinking about it so much! But I bore everyone on here with my twittering so let me send them to sleep.

kid · 01/04/2006 22:36

My sis has a 7 year age gap between 2 and 3 (10 year gap between 1 and 3)

waggledancer · 01/04/2006 22:47

I have a 16yr old, a 13yr old and my littlest is 1yr old on Wednesday. People also assumed he was a mistake but he definitely wasn't. The older two have had no problems about him and i feel his arrival has stemmed some of their teenage selfishness. I don't involve them in his care other than for them to play with him while i cook or do housework, so no feelings of being put upon. Am also solving only child problem by hopefully conceiving no.4 very soon

jura · 03/04/2006 13:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lazycow · 03/04/2006 17:04

I'm not sure why a big age gap makes it like you are an only child. I am best frinds with my sister who is is 7yrs older than me - much closer than I was to my sister who was 2 years younger and dh is really good friends with his brother who is 12 years older. My worries for ds being an only child are having no family he is close to when he is an adult and dh and I are gone. I don't have any problems with him having no siblings close in age just with him having no siblings full stop.

Surely that child born with a gap after other children will have the best of both worlds - Parents who can give then almost their full attention and who are probably more relaxed and also siblings to rely on. Often they can be closer than siblings who are nearer in age as the jealosy thing just doesn't exist as much.

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