Ready to admit I cant cope

[2monkeybums]

Ds1 (2.5) has always been hard work. I thought all babies were like that until Ds2 (1.1) came along.

Ds1 didn't sleep through the night until he was 16 months, was always a screamer, but quite a happy baby until he was around 6 months old and something changed. Since then he is a misery and everyone comments on his grumpy personality. If anyone tries to talk or play with him he gives them the death stare or shouts no!

He has woken up in a really bad mood every day for 2.5 years. He screams for at least an hour and its really hard to get him to eat breakfast, have his nappy changed, get dressed, just all the usual things you do in the morning. This means me & DH start every single day in a strained and bad mood. We never get to work on time.

He has also started hurting Ds2. He will not let him play with any toys (even his own ones) and is always pushing and hitting him and shouting no at him.

Me & Dh are feeling the effects of a very strained 2.5 years. We are beyond exhausted. We have both hoped he would grow out of this and be a happy boy but im starting to think this will never happen. We are all so miserable due to his moods and tantrums I fear we might break up if it continues.

Ds2 is an easy baby (thank god) but hardly gets any attention at all. People we know comment that Ds1 is like having two children on his own!

Sorry for the rant. I guess I just want to hear it will get better and that a miserable toddler can become a happy child or is this us for life...

It must be hard but please, please try not to compare. I was always "the Bad child" and my younger sister was always the "good one". Its taken my Mum a long, long time to realise her mistake. No child should ever be made to feel inferior to another sibling.

As for you post, I think there are some positives in there. He didn't sleep through the night until he was 16 months. I'd say that was really good! Half of all 1 year olds still wake at least once per night and my DS didn't sleep through the night until the week before his 5th birthday, so I think he has done, really well . Perhaps your expectations are an issue here rather than his behaviour?

As for the hitting, obviously that has got to stop. What happens now when he hits? Have a read of Biting and Hitting: 16 ways to stop it as it has some great tips .

As for the screaming, is he in pain? Have you had him checked by the GP to to eliminate any physical cause?

What do you do if he refuses nappy change? Could he have breakfast at childcare? Do you and DH remain calm and happy with him?

I would talk to his childcare too, what do they think? He is happy there? How long has he been there for and do you trust them?

Speak to your HV too, she should know him and you and have some suggestions of how to help.

Can really, really recommend this book. Sounds like just the thing you need .

If you and DH are feeling the strain, could you arrange a couple of dates together without the DC? It doesn't have to be expensive, me and my DH talk the most when we are just in the car together so maybe a trip out and a pint would do?

what happens if you totally change the routine? Don't make him eat reakfast, just leave eg biscuit/fruit where he can get it, don't make him get dressed etc. This type of thing worked for dd - started getting washed (with damp flannel) and dressed upstairs before comng down for milk/breakfast etc

and if you really feel like you aren't coping, try [[http://familylives.org.uk/how-we-can-help/confidential-help-line Parentline].

Sorry, I'll try that one again . Parentline.

Thanks for getting back to me.

I really try not to compare them and love my boys equally but maybe he can sense he is the one that we find harder work. I will do all I can to make sure he does not feel like this. If he does feel like that them maybe that is why he lashes out at only his brother?

Maybe my expectations are the issue. I know that if he was my only child I would still consider him very much a baby.

Its only his brother that he hits/pushes/kicks. Its usually when Ds2 is playing with a toy or when he is standing up (not walking yet) Maybe he is having a bad time coming to terms with him becoming a boy too. What can I do about that?

We had the health visitor out around 6 months ago due to his extreme tantrums (he can go for hours). She said he was "a challenging and feisty child" but all good for his age so I don't think he is in any pain.

He has only been at playgroup (2 days) since early Sept and my MIL has them them 2 mornings a week. Playgroup say he loves saying the word no and wont let any of them cuddle him if he is upset but apart from that loves to play with the toys and do the activities. MIL lets him do as he wishes and would never report anything negative back to me.

Thank you for the link and the book, im buying it now.

I will change up the routine tomorrow. Willing to give anything a go. Thank you .

My ds1 is a challenge but things are improving. He is now 3. He is very sensitive and will only do things on his terms. He will say no to most things if something has upset him and this can last a while. He will even say no to chocolate/ride on his scooter in my attempts to snap him out of it.

My approach has changed slightly in the last few weeks and I'm slowly seeing improvements.

Firstly I pick my battles. What do I NEED him to do and what do I WANT him to do. I started focusing on the NEEDS eg being nice to baby brother, get in and out of car safely, not running off, sitting still while I feed ds2 if out. I let other things go initially,like breakfast and getting dressed. If he didn't want it I left it. He used to shout at me quite a lot but I just started ignoring him rather than telling him off for it.

As hard as it was I made myself try hard not to shout. He would say "no I'm not sitting down, no I'm not eating my breakfast" and I would go "ok then" Yes he was hungry the first day but I put plenty of fruit on the table and no other snacks offered. Gradually he started doing more and more. We definitely still have bad days but I no longer dread taking him out somewhere.

Choose a plan and stick to it and remind yourself that he will learn far more from your example than by what you try and tell him. Good luck.

Exactly the same here moo, my Ds1 is also very sensitive and will only ever do things on his terms.

I have found myself shouting a lot lately and I hate it. I really don't want to be a shouty parent and it doesn't seem to work. I am going to start to focus on the needs and forget the wants. Lead by example all the way...

So glad that you have a plan for tomorrow . Glad to that you have seen your HV but did the HV give any advice on how to deal with the tantrums or suggest anything else that might help?

I think that being jealous of a younger sibling is normal too, its how you deal with that counts. My DC1 became was jealous of DC2 when she was born and then again when she started to move around and touch his stuff.

Did you manage to read the link?

Just to add to that not sharing at his age is all pretty normal too, have a look here at ways to help them learn to share .

How is this morning going so far 2monkeybums? Love your name .

Hi there
Just wanted to say I read your post and really sympathise. We are experiencing a lot of similar problems with our dd 2yrs 4 mths. Lots of good advice there from the other mums, so do take heart in that, and the fact youre not alone and that hopefully it is just all part of the famous "phase" that we all get tI feel like I can't cope a lot of the time too, especially after a morning like the one I've just had, but

Hi there
Just wanted to say I read your post and really sympathise. We are experiencing a lot of similar problems with our dd 2yrs 4 mths. Lots of good advice there from the other mums, so do take heart in that, and the fact youre not alone and that hopefully it is just all part of the famous "phase" that we all get told about. Hang in there and I really hope the books help, I'm going to look at the links now to see if they can help us too xxx

hoping no news is good news

Overall we have had a better day so far.

I had a chat to DH last night and shared your advice. We discovered that we have been contributing to the bad mood by being in a bad mood so we have had some serious PMA today which has helped.

Ds1 woke up screaming and grumpy but instead of getting down about it we stayed very positive and had an "ok darling" approach with him. Almost ignoring the bad mood and screaming and not rising to it. We let him have all 3 breakfasts he wanted and even though he only ate a spoonful or two of each at least he got something down him before nursery and at the end of the day no one died.

After nursery we went to do the weekly shop. They sit in a twin trolly and Ds1 kept hitting Ds2 on the head. I had to really try not to lose it and shout. Told him not to hurt his baby brother but it didn't stop. Told him he would lose his favourite blue car when we got home which he did.

Reading the links I have discovered my expectations are to high. He has no concept of sharing as you don't have the ability to empathise at such a young age. I am expecting him to know things before I have taught him. Really trying to bite my tongue and be more patient.

I think mentally we have got in a very negative rut. Did some looking online and learnt that for every negative thing you say to a child you should say 6 positive things.

Have spent the time we have been home this afternoon playing football and with cars. He really is better behaved when he has lots of attention. I guess I should actually play with them more. We go out a lot to baby/toddler groups and to soft play but apart from reading I don't really play lots.

Thank you for all your help.

Spoke too soon. Wont eat dinner. Wont get down from the dinner table either though. Does not want to play. Does not want to talk about it. Is just screaming. For 20 minutes so far. So what do I do?

To be honest I'd shut him in his room to give myself a break

Ignore, ignore, ignore. Know that is so much easier said than done though. if he won't eat dinner then he must be either too tired or just not hungry. Which one do you think it is?

He's only 2.5 - if you want him down from the table and he says no, then he gets lifted down from the table! Not in anger, just gently and firmly.

Then ignore ignore ignore. Start a really fun game with DS2 that he has been placed away from. He can come over and join in when he's ready and calm.

Does your DS nap in the day? I know we had issues with DS crying ad being in a bad mood when he woke up, it was partially because he was tired.

Is he eating well in the evening / could he have supper before bed to see if he sleeps better?

Just something else to try.

Agree with Schobe - lift him out of his seat "we only sit at the table when we're eating sweetheart" then put him on the carpet and go off with DS2 to set up a game, switch on the TV. DS1 will come over once he's calmed down.

Lots of praise for him when he does come across and start to play nicely.

Didn't want to read and run. Just ignore. I know its hard but as long as he is not hurting anyone he will get tired of it before you do. He might actually like the attention given because of this behaviour. Good luck :)

Hi there, just want to offer some sympathy. In our case it's the youngest who is challenging and it really isn't easy is it? I even feel guilty writing that down!

My cousin's ds3 sounds exactly like your ds1. He really was a difficult baby / toddler. My cousin finally had enough and put him into nursery 3 mornings a week at age 2.5, much to the horror of the rest of the family. However she says it was the best thing she ever did as something changed and suddenly this difficult child was transformed into a sunny, happy little boy. Now, over 15 years later he continues to be the most loving, positive, cheery teenager and is totally unrecognisable from the baby / toddler.

We don't know what happened to him but for them the nursery thing certainly worked!

I think unless you've been through it yourself you really can't appreciate just how difficult it can be. The fact you're asking for help is really positive... you WILL get through it :)

You need to give yourselves credit - some children are extremely high maintenance. So all the stuff you have been doing - rest assured it would have worked brilliantly with some kids.

You (and your DS) have just been a bit unlucky. You need to do what you're doing now and research into methods to try that other people don't need (lucky them). Keep in close touch with the nursery/childcare that he goes to to try to work together on strategies to try with him.

I know what it's like for different reasons - my DS has autism so we've had to throw away the rule book and start from scratch. Obviously this is not your situ, but you and your DH are suffering in a similar way. It's not your fault and now you're getting on the case and dealing with it - well done!

Please get his hearing checked. DS had moderate hearing loss and nobody suspected it apart from me. He was constantly grumpy and overtired. He is on his second set of grommets and has had his adenoids out and seems much better.