Swinging between Love and Hatred

[LowToleranceMamma]

I swing between love and hatred for my children (yes I really mean hatred). My nerves are frayed. My tolerance level is very low at the moment (we've all got colds). I am irritated by them, from DDs (2 years old) constant winging and screaming, to even the way DS (10 months) slurps his spagetti and gets it everywhere but his mouth. I can't manage the 'Mary Poppins' act I once could do effortlessly. I can't put on a smiley face around them 24/7 anymore. I can't even smile whilst I spoon food into DSs mouth, and he notices the grimace and irritation on my face.

I dread spending every day with them. I dread thinking up things to do with them every day. Even when they are content, I'm living in dread for the next blow up. It's always just 5 minutes away.

How can I swing from love (watching them sleep on the monitor) to hatred (putting DS in his cot and closing the door whilst he screams)?? I'm guessing this isn't normal?

We all have bad days when our DCs push every button, but what you're describing sounds like more than that and no, i don't think it's normal. Your sense of love should outweight any negative emotions most of the time. My suggestion would be to speak to your GP and describe how you feel. It could be PND. Have you always felt this way (i.e. when your DD was a baby?) Sorry you're having such a tough time.

I'm already on meds for PND (have been since DDs birth). I was actually fine (mentally healthy) until recently when DD hit the terrible twos (tantrum after tantrum) and DS began teething (constant whining and crying).

So to answer your question, no I haven't always felt this way. This feeling of 'hatred/irritation' is relatively recent. I don't enjoy my children anymore :(

Oh, i'm sorry But the reason you don't enjoy them any more might be because the meds are no longer working, or are insufficient for your needs. I can certainly relate to the terrible twos (they are hard work, aren't they?) and the teething and admit that i only have one DC so can only imagine how hard it is to have a baby and a toddler. But this is not your personality, you are not a bad mum, there is a cause for the way you're feeling. You know in yourself that it's not right and that's half the battle. Please speak to someone again. Hopefully someone will be along to offer better advice with the benefit of experience.
x

The meds were working excellently until recently. In fact, if I came off them I know I'd be even worse. Perhaps I just need a higher dose? I'm only on 50mg sertraline

I've just had a horrible trip out where DD screamed her head off for 2 hours solid. Everyone was looking. Nothing pacified her. I've put her in her cot. Just me and baby now. I'm very close to reaching for the vodka. My nerves can't take anymore. I've phoned the GP and made an appointment but the soonest they have is the 20th!!

You are not alone. I have a dd who is 2 and I have a hard time coping with just her! To have a 10 month old on top of a toddler well it's completely understandable that your nerves are frayed. I also am not one of those mums that do the whole kid's presenter type act around my dd iykwim. And the pressure to be a stepford wife really gets my back up, as if there isn't enough crap us mums have to deal with just trying to keep control of our kids' upbringing, but we are also expected to look as if we're skipping through a field of buttercups in our cath Kinston dresses with a duster in one hand and a nigella lawson cookbook in the other.

If you can take a couple of hours off to do what the hell you want that might help you too. Please don't give yourself such a hard time. You're a good mum otherwise you wouldn't be giving yourself such a hard time believing you're not.
Keep strong.

Cath kidston dresses I meant. Bloody spell check.

Go back to work? My mixed feelings and pnd got much better when I did.. I have just finished my 3 days for the week and am looking forward to toddlers and music with dd tomorrow it really helps to know I have 2 or 4 days without them though

I had a toddler and a baby (17 month age gap) I went back to work it saved my sanity just getting away from them, I also farmed them out most friday or saterday night to go out with my friends.

It does get better. (when there both at school)

Yep, I sympathise, having a baby and toddler is a nightmare at times and I often used to be sobbing and halfway through a bottle of wine by the time DH got home from work when mine were that age. Get as much childcare help as you can so you get some time away from them - time to be you and time to miss them. It helps. And it does get better as they get older, honest.