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how do you let go?

6 replies

thewomanwhothoughtshewasahat · 30/03/2006 23:26

dds are coming up to 6 and 4 and I am finding it really difficult to come to terms with a part of my life being over. I really don't know how to handle it. Since dd2 starting nursery every morning and me going from 3 upto 4 days a week working and dh going from 5 down to 4 I no longer have days at home, just me and the girls, pottering, playgroup, maybe going to the park in the afternoon. and I miss it. horrendously.
It's not letting go of them that's a problem, it's letting go of a stage in my life. In a year's time they will both be in full-time school and one part of me is thinking that I can work 4 days a week and have one day a week to do other work-related things that I have wanted to do for a while, but not had time - call it career diversification. I'm coming to terms with the fact that my "career" is only ever going to be middle of the road. interesting yes, but I'm not going to be a high flyer. But there are things I want to work on and I have felt a bit constrained in the last 5 years or so by not being able to do them. So now is the time to look forward to being able to do them right?
But then on the other hand I'm not sure I'm ready to move on. I lay awake half of last night (and several others) wondering about dc 3. What's another 5 years. career diversification could always come in my 40s. could it?
then I hit practical walls. I worry what people will think of me (pathetic, I know). I would be uncomfortable having a 3rd maternity leave. we have a good nanny at the moment - what would we do with her? can I face moving the computer out of the small bedroom? How will I ever get any time off? gps aren't getting younger, they can't handle 3.
and in any case am I just hankering after something I have to accept is over?
I have no idea what i want to hear. this is a terrible ramble. forgive me for its length. But if anyone has any words of wisdom they really would be appreciated. It's not just about having no3. It's about coming to terms with my life. It's about convincing myself taht I am making the right choices.

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Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
soapbox · 30/03/2006 23:34

My DS (youngest of 2 DCs) had his 6th birthday on Tuesday and I spent a great deal of the day agonising over where their young childhood had gone to!

DH and I both would have liked a third child but it didn't happen and definitely won't now.

I think I have come to terms with it by rationalising that sometimes it isn;t a new baby I want but to go back and relive the babyhood and young childhood with my DCs all over again. To bask in all the wonderful moments and relive them knowing that it really is true that it flashes by in a whirl!

OTOH, I think we are doing a good job at preparing them for independent adult hood which is what I think we need to concentrate on for now! It is shocking though that my youngest child is already a third of the way to adult hood and my DD is almost half way there!

In your situation, if there was anyway at all you could have another child, I would do it! Careers will still be there in 5 years time, babies may not be:)

JoolsToo · 30/03/2006 23:36

time to work through it I'd say. If you go for No 3 you'll be in the same position 4/5 years hence.

possibly! Grin

thewomanwhothoughtshewasahat · 30/03/2006 23:43

I know Jools. I'm also scared that this is guilt about dd2. I feel I should have put off going up to 4 days a week a bit longer and been here a bit more for her. I miss her so much. I never was any good at decisions

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Sparklemagic · 31/03/2006 00:09

From what you've said, I really don't think it's a third child you are after. You don't talk about a longing to hold a baby or a longing to have the different family dynamic that would come, etc ,etc - just about missing what you have recently lost with your current children, particularly your youngest, child.

Maybe you need to re-examine your decision to go back four days a week. Because you could still have those days that you miss, at least the afternoons after your DD finishes her morning at Nursery. Plus, she doesn't have to go five mornings a week, it's not obligatory! She could go for four mornings and you could have one day all for yourselves...this time will only last till she goes to school so perhaps consider if you can't just make the most of some more time with her? Maybe this would help you examine whether you really want another child or not.

And also, I think go easy on yourself. It is completely natural to feel this sort of problem with coming to terms with things changing as they grow up. I feel it too, that my DS will be in reception in September (at barely four poor mite) and I simply CAN'T BELIEVE that this time has gone - however one way I'm facing it is to look forward to giving him all the help and support he needs throughout school, and I'm intending to be available to help out, PTA, whatever they will let me help with and so that I can be fully involved in this future part of his life.

So I think it's about looking forward as well as back, and accepting that you will feel the way you do. It's such an incredibly precious, tiring, stressful but magical time when kids are pre-school, isn't it. Don't try and brush your feelings away, they are valid.

Good luck feeling your way through this - much sympathy to you x

JoolsToo · 31/03/2006 00:12

look hat - you sound like a great mum to me. You can't go back - what's that poem about 'granting the serenity to accept the things I cannot change'?

You worry too much (parents do these days, far too much inho) - que sera - it's the only way forward Wink.

thewomanwhothoughtshewasahat · 31/03/2006 00:33

JoolsToo I am an inveterate worrier (is that a word, or have I made it up?) Sparklemagic - in some respects I think you are right. I am after recreating something. I guess if I am to make a decision it needs to be a forward looking one. that helps actually. It doesn't rule dc 3 out, but forces me to think of it a bit differently. re current arrangements - unfortunately I can't change them for 6 months - various reasons. also dd2 is at the school nursery so its 5 mornings or nothing. But the upside is that she will be part-time school right through til Easter next year. So I reckon I can at least go back down to 3 days a week in 6 months time and have some time with her. The funny thing at the moment is dh working 4 days has really changed dynamics - we both work the same 4 days and are both at home fri - which might sound great, but it gives the day a wholly different feel. it partly - and I know this is illogical in light of other stuff Im saying - makes me feel like I ought to get on with some non-child stuff. Idle chit chat whilst two of us get dd2s lunch feels like a waste of precious time. no offence to dh but I think I prefered having a day to myself! At least that way I know I am all dds and don;t have to think about doing anything else.

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