How can I toughen my son up?

[Mrskbpw]

My son is five (he's in year one) and a bit of a wuss.

He's very quick to cry about stuff - he can't take a joke (this morning I walked into his bedroom when he was getting dressed and said 'oh I see a bare bottom' and he cried!), if I tell him off even mildly, he gets overly upset and it escalates into a big drama, and he's even scared of loud noises - at a party last weekend he sat on my knee for most of it as he was frightened of the loud music. And Lord help us if he falls over and bangs his knee.

I've been a bit worried about it for a while, and at parents' evening last night his teachers also mentioned he's very sensitive, so I'd really like to nip it in the bud before it becomes a massive issue.

I don't pander to it at all, in fact it often makes me very cross, so it's not an attention thing.

He's got another party tomorrow - but this time it's a friend from his childminder who's 8 and it's a 'tech' party where basically they all play Wii and XBox and whatnot. I'm really worried about it partly because I'll have to leave him (I'm hoping guessing mums don't stay at 8-year-olds' parties?) and he never wants me to leave him at a party, and partly because we don't have any games consoles at home so he's never played them and will inevitably be a bit rubbish - and this will really upset him.

I just wondered if there is anything anyone can suggest to toughen him up a bit? Or if anyone has children with a similar disposition? He responds really well to reward charts - would something like that work perhaps?

Sounds like you are doing all the right things, OP.

And while I agree with ReallyTired that it is important to speak the language of feelings I also think it is important that you eventually (though not necessarily by the age of 5) learn to speak it in a way that other people can relate to.

My db is very strong on the language of feelings: he lets everything out. He has had a lot of problems with personal relationships over the years and frankly I believe it is partly about the fact that he comes across as needy and lacking in self control; it is not a very reassuring trait in a man in his fifties and I can see why women are a little bit worried by it. Lovely, lovely man but he would do himself more favours by tweaking the way he expresses his feelings and need of being loved.

But there is time, OP, and better to move gently and gradually and help your ds to find his own solutions- as he is doing, by the sounds of it.

cory, learning to be assertive and communicate feelings is not being weepy and over emtional. An assertive person does not come across as excessively needy and lacking control, quite the opposite infact.

Prehaps in the senario of the five year old who mum saw his bottom . He would be better to say. (Very few five years olds could manage this.)

"I don't like the way you came into my room without any warning. I felt embrassed when you saw my bottom. I need you to knock in future so that I have chance to cover up."

Children best learn assertiveness by having it modelled by their parents. The behaviour of cory's brother is not assertive. The inablity of an adult to be assertive causes problems in all kinds of relationships

Hey, oh my goodness it's 10 years later! How is your son now that he is 14 or 15 I'm guessing?? I came on to look for advice about my 5 year old son who is pretty much the same.. a wee darling but acts abit more feminine than the other boys.. he will be going into p1 in 3 weeks... Will he grow out of this, did your son??

My first is like this. He’s 8 now and is a lot more resilient but definitely still more sensitive than most other kids. At 4 and 5 I was despairing!!!

What has helped? For our child I think it was sport that has assisted him to understand it’s ok to fail, to not be the best at everything, that you might get bumped accidentally etc. I think it’s done a lot for his confidence. I also think some of it is just age and growing up.

He still worries a lot, and gets upset about things his little brother wouldn’t care about, but he’s getting much better.

He also removes himself from situations he’s not comfortable with (boys who are very boisterous for example). He’s found his people - other sensitive children.

There are a lot of positive traits too - he’s kind and empathetic and thoughtful. Traits that aren’t valued as much perhaps but are just as important!

If my son was young again I would get him into some form of mma mixed martial arts as it really builds confidence in a person and it teaches so much body and mental confidence and gets rid of all the anxiety and other issues we all have.

My DD is like this. I was like this as a child. Stop trying to toughen him up & look up 'emotional dysregulation' and 'building resilience'.

Your child literally can't stop it or control it. I was chided, yelled at & ignored in order to get me to 'grow up & get over it'. I'm an adult, still sensitive so have built emotional walls - I push back emotion because I was taught it was bad, not how to manage it. I struggle every day.

There's info on how to help emotional dysregulation. I'm working on building confidence. DD6 told me yesterday 'i tried, but can't stop the crying from starting, mum'. So we're ignoring the crying and making small steps to resolve the upset issue & strategies to build resilience. It's slow, frustrating, but works a lot better than getting angry.

ZOMBIE THREAD FFS 🙄

You’re better off starting your own thread than resurrecting an old one.

For what it is worth: I have two boys, one very “feminine” (by which I mean gravitates to the company of girls, enjoys activities typical of girls, etc), the other very “masculine”. Both express feelings in very different ways and in many ways the “feminine” boy is more sensitive (will cry watching over a sad story for example) and wears his heart on his sleeve but he is by far the more emotionally resilient of the two.

I think we need to stop falling into the trap of seeing expressions of emotions and sensitivity amongst boys as a negative, or that they need “toughening up”.

The fact my more “feminine” boy is more demonstrative in all his emotions means it is easier for us to talk through feelings and how to manage them, and he is developing good emotional intelligence (is able to recognise feelings in his friends and help them navigate them). He has become more emotionally resilient through the fact he shows emotion.

It is more masculine boy I worry about more - he is more prone to anger and will react first, think later. He can get nervous things outside his comfort zone but reacts by avoiding the situation (eg stubbornly refuse to do something). I’m really trying to work with him on his emotions as his lack of resilience comes out in negative ways.

I don't think your son is the only problem here...

There is nothing wrong with being sensitive.

You need to help him build his self-confidence not ''toughen him up''. Find out what he is interested in, rather than try to make him fit into whatever preconceived idea you have of what boys should be like, and get him involved in other activities than just the typical video games or football...not all boys are into that stuff and that's OK.

I think you are achieving the opposite of what you want because he probably picks up on your disapproval and anxiety and it makes him feel worse.

It might also be that you are getting too involved in/over-analysing this and he might be better off if you just let him be rather than hover around all the time...

I think you probably will say I am being harsh but I do think you need to have a serious look at your behaviour too and try to accept your son for who he is.

I think the fact that he likes to dress up might give you a clue about his personality too. He might grow up to be a sensitive man who likes things that go beyond video games and playing sports. He might grow up and not be a straight man. The point is you want him to grow up to be confident and happy with who he is, not to have to force him to conform with an ideal of what boys should be like. You want him to be happy, confident and resilient but right now I don't think you are going about it the right way.

I think it is quite interesting that women complain that so many men are unable to articulate their feelings, communicate clearly and show support/care for them and their kids. Yet so many mothers still seem to want their sons to confirm to the silent/tough stereotypes and always control their feelings and emotions. I think there is a contradiction there.