siblings - enjoying ones success whilst trying to support other one

[incywincyspideragain]

sorry the title is rubbish - I'm not sure how to explain it - ds2 (4) started school in sept and has taken to it like a duck to water, great parents evening and has been nominated for end of half term class award, he loves learning.
ds1 (now 6) hasn't found school easy, at his first parents evening it was a shock to hear that they were really concerned about him, they thought he was ASD or ODD, we found out he needed grommets and glasses but it has been a slow long road getting him up to speed ie couldn't read at end of reception and is still learning the social rules ie no pushing in line, the ed psych has been in 5 times and done a home visit, they come back in Nov because he is falling behind but they know he's bright, they also now don't think he's ASD but there maybe something dyslexia/dsypraxia maybe, it just doesn't come easily to him but I genuinely think he does try and is a funny socialable child.

The assembly tomorrow when ds2 gets his award is a supprise and we've been invited to go along, we told ds1 at bed time because I was worried that he's think we were there for him - he cried he said it was nice for ds2 but 'how did he manage that after 7 weeks... its reeeaaally hard to do that' 'I didn't even get star of the week last year at all, ds2 got one a couple of weeks ago'
When ds2 got star of the week ds1 high fived him on the way out of assembly, he was pleased but I think the VIP award stings a little

I really want to enjoy ds2's success but feel so sad for ds1 - he knows he doesn't 'get it' he desperately wants to suceed but fails - any advice? anyone been in this situation?

Not with educational successes but we the youngest was dry at night about 6 years before the eldest. We just focussed on each child being individual and and learning things in their own time. We talked about how one learnt to walk before the other, the other learnt to tie laces at an earlier age but they can both do it now.
With our situation we were able to say all kids catch up in the end but this isn't true with academic learning.

its not 'top of the class' as such - its a reward for his 'attitude and enthusiam' ds1 just fails to access any of the rewards at School.
I think even if we rewarded at home its not quite the same as standing up in front of the school to receive something.

I think you ought to have a chat to the school and explain the situation. In my kids' school they ALL get to be star of the week at SOME point - they really try to focus on effort rather than achievement and if your ds1 is really trying then that ought to be recognised. Also, seems a bit OTT to invite parents to an assembly for an end of half term award - are they TRYING to make 5yo's ultra competitive?

It's very hard at times.

I'm certain I'd have made far more fuss of my very, conventional, clever, sociable DD2 if she didn't have a dyslexic, socially inept, quirky older sister.

DD1 is at least as bright, but her written work means she's never in the top group/set and she will always find making friends and fitting in hard.

Like the OPs DS1 high giving his brother she is unbelievably tolerant of DD2.

Having your 3 year younger sister read and spell better than you when she's 6 and your 9.
Realising that your sister in Y3 can do the Y6 English paper you can just read, easily and answer the questions, spelt correctly, when you need a scribe and not killing her is no mean feat.

DD2 has corrected my reading and spelling since she was 7 or 8

oh op I feel so much for your ds1.

It is a shame, when I was teaching I made sure every child in the class got a certificate in assembly at some point.

I find this very hard to balance with my kids. I find it hard to give dd the congratulations with massive enthusiasm as ds gets all grumpy. And he gets his own share of accolades, but still.

I am doing some fun vocab games at the dinner table (subtle underhand prep for 11+) and dd gets there faster than ds and she is only 7.

I would chat with ds 1's teacher and explain the situation. There must be some award they can give him at some point? At home I would continue to give him loads of positive praise for things he does do well, however minor.

Fortunately DD1 did get a nice shiny certificate for her history project in Y6 (she likes history and we happens to know an evacuee to talk to).

She was at senior school when DD2 collected arms full.
(I did wish the teacher would give her one for maths that takes her a bit of effort, not English which she can just do).

With respect to everyone here and everywhere...kids are NOT stupid and know if an award is handed out for the sake of it. Both my dcs have brought certificates home and both pretty much said 'meh' because 'it's just my turn to get it this week.'
Look for something outstanding with which to praise the 'unrewarded' child which doesn't knock the shine off the prize winner's trophy.

chat to the school. your eldest should be receiving rewards for the things he does well

thanks for your comments - as it was the first assembly like this we've ever been too I now understand that they seem to be rewarding 'role models', I unfortunetly can't see how ds1 will get this... ever... but I agree he should be rewarded for something he does do well, its also made me realise his work isn't on the wall... ie display of yr2 work in hall - about 20 paintings on there so 9 children didn't have work up... I need to go in and ask about it, I guess I'm worried about coming across all pfb or pushy parent that 'my child should be getting an award and they aren't recognising it' when all I want to ask is what are the awards for so I can explain it to ds1 as he asks how he can have one and I don't know how it works + why isn't any of his work up, does he not do the work??
blissfully I think an award handed out for the sake of it is as bad as one not given at all but ds2 was thrilled with his certificate, had his photo taken, name in newsletter and got to do a special job with head, at 4 yrs I don't think he gives a monkeys what its for, he felt special

I dont think you would seem pushy to go in and ask if there were some different incentives they could be doing for your ds1. My ds hates writing and will get tearful ect so he wasnt having his writing put on the walls or ever getting onto star of the week so me and his teacher decided that she would make good news cards to send home with his favourite character on. He wants to bring home a special good news so is trying extra hard. Your not asking her to give him something for nothing but lightly encourage him into something he can be rewarded for. It might make all the difference it has done with ds.

This is such a shit situation and I don't know what to suggest. I was the real high flyer while my brother struggled with everything and I know it was difficult for my parents. They did completely underplay all my achievements but that bothered me a lot.
I suppose the key is finding a way of celebrating them both without pigeon holing them into roles. Could you explain to DS1 how much easier it is for DS2 having an older brother in school already? When you write about them high-fiving each other I immediately thought that it is lovely that they can share that.
Could you also present the problem to DS1 and ask his opinion e.g. School is something you find challenging and DS seems to find it easy, how does that make you feel? How can we support you with that? My DS has just turned six and I've found involving him in these conversations has had some good results. It's quite affirming just having a a chance to speak about what are probably very confusing emotions for him - proud of his brother and jealous and insecure

skimty good suggestion, I haven't really talked to ds1 about it apart from when I told him on thurs, he had a 1:1 day with me on sunday which he loved and dh and I agree we should do that more so they can find their own interests - the 3 of them do get lumped together as they are very close in age. To complicate things ds1 has high iq/ability but not succeeding and I think he knows that, I think part of his difficultly at School is that he is frustrated, I really hope we get somewhere with ed psych this year, I think it is a conflict of feeling jealous and proud/protective of his little brother
writting this down does help, thanks