Knowing your child

[aliphil]

Everything I've read and been told says that by ten weeks, you know your child well enough to be able to work out what she needs and what her cries mean and so on, at least some of the time. But I don't. I love DD more than I can say, but I don't feel that I know her at all. I can't tell what she wants at any given time. That makes me feel guilty and very, very frightened. How would I even know if something was seriously wrong? People say, "Oh, you'd know," which is really irritating. How would I know?

At 10w I clung to a routine because I also had no idea what DD wanted, and to be honest I don't think she knew herself!

I found the Baby Whisperer EASY routine an absolute lifesaver. It's a very flexible rolling 3 hour routine (though you could make it 2 hours, or 4 hours, or whatever suits your baby). Essentially they sleep, they eat, they do some sort of activity ? which at 10w can simply be a nappy change! ? and then they sleep again. The 'Y' is for you but that doesn't entirely work at 10w . Because it isn't telling you exact times you can just start the routine when you wake up, so it can change day by day, but I found it helped so much in guessing what DD might be crying for because I had a vague idea whether she was expecting food or sleep, and also because nap times were every x hours (sorry, can't remember exactly but probably every 1.5/2hrs at 10w?) it helped me start to learn her tired cues, which were never as obvious as some other babies were.

As for starting, I just got up one day and tried to follow it! I also had introduced a proper bedtime routine by 10w, which really was far too early for DD to understand but I felt as though it helped all of us with some structure to our day. Which really was my problem ? I was floundering completely without any vague structure at all and felt much more in control when I could think "well, she woke up at 8 and had a bottle so its nearly 11, it's probably time for another bottle now." It helped me to learn what her different cries were for different upsets. And I could see that DD preferred it, as it gradually pre-empted a lot of the meltdowns for food or sleep.

Also, on the sleep front, I found it easier to just accept that DD wanted to sleep on me or in her pushchair and gave up feeling 'trapped' beneath her. I just curled up with a book or the TV and let her sleep, or went out for a long walk, and I found that once I had accepted this it took a lot of my stress away. On a vague routine she did actually start napping better, and she had been a terrible napper beforehand.

Obviously routines are completely a personal choice and they either suit your baby or they don't, but if you feel a bit lost it might help to try one and see if it does suit you and your DD?

a piece about baby's cues for feeding here

I never knew the difference between any of DS's cries and would say they all sounded the same. But tbh he rarely cried so when he did i knew there was something properly wrong and so responded by offering him comfort and food. It worked and he was content again. If he was tired, he slept - with no cajoling from me.

At 2 yo he has a cracking personality and i know him inside out and can judge his mood from the minute i first see him in the morning. I can read him like a book. But at 10 weeks? Nah. I just cuddled and fed and then cuddled some more.

I remember people telling me that I'd soon recognise the different cries. Well I never did - it all sounded like crying to me. I'm always amazed when mums say "oh that's a hunger cry" or "that's a tired cry". Aren't babies just crying?

I found the baby stage hard, DD1 cried a lot. In terms of routine, I never did manage to get DD1 into a routine. Looking back, I wish I'd just gone with the flow more because once I did it definately became easier.

i think it took me until about 6 months to really know DS but even now there is a fair bit of guess work he's 8 months now earlier today he was very moany and it took me food, a bottle and a walk to realise it was his teeth duh!

I do remember times when we were out and DD would cry; little old ladies would say "she's hungry. bless her", and I'd be thinking "rubbish". Not because I could distinguish her cries, but because I knew she'd just been fed.
I found that sort of thing rather undermining because others seemed to thought they knew and I didn't very often. If you get that don't take any notice.

When I know what's up (DD now 11mo), it's because I know the routine and other things about the situation, not because her cries are necessarily different for different things. I might be aware didn't nap earlier, for example.
DH (SAHD, therefore knows her better than me) and I still get it wrong, a lot.
We do fall back on the checklist: hunger; nappy; tired; temperature; teeth and so on.

It's the sleeping that really gets to me. Night-times are fine; she's taken to sleeping through (I think; from about 4 am we get the odd whimper, but by the time I'm awake she's generally settled, and if she was hungry she'd presumably let me know?). When she gets tired in the day she just works herself up into a state and screams. I've tried at different times holding her, rocking, walking about, singing, putting her down in a darkened room, putting her down near me ... it seems completely random what works and sometimes nothing does. Then she screams herself into exhaustion and sleeps for anything from 20 minutes to three hours (again, it's random). If the sleep's been on the longer side, she wakes up very hungry and starts screaming again (briefly, because I get her on the boob PDQ).

The feeding cues thing is handy - thanks Grim. I thought I was doing quite well because I knew she was hungry when she started chewing her hands, but then she started sucking her thumb so I couldn't tell any more . Now I can look out for when she's goldfishing instead.

I know I read the Baby Whisperer before DD was born but don't remember anything about it (have baby brain). I must dig it out again. A pattern routine sounds more do-able than a clock-watching one. The nearest thing DD shows to a pattern is in the mornings only and goes more like Eat, Sleep, Activity, Sleep, Activity - and the sleeps tend to be cat-naps. From lunchtime onwards she gets grizzly and we get the refusing-to-sleep thing I described above. Why don't babies just come with instruction manuals?

I would have killed for DD to have come with an instruction manual.

If she is screaming and crying before passing out from exhaustion then it could be that she is overtired and you have missed the cue for sleep. Which is very easy to do - we were in the same boat for the first month or two, though like you we were fortunate to have a baby that slept well at night. A vague routine won't be an immediate fix but we found that after a week or two DD started to accept her naps and they became easier (though still on us or in a pushchair).

They do get their with naps though, they really do. I despaired, I thought it was going to be catnaps in the pushchair forever, but suddenly it does click and they sleep a lot better. She's only wee, she doesn't know herself that she is tired, but you can help her to learn that what she is feeling is tiredness. I think both the Baby Whisperer and Supernanny recommend a similar routine for naps as for bedtime to help teach them as well.

What is the cue for sleep? And how can I get her to sleep anyway if she doesn't want to? If she's tired, why doesn't she just fall asleep? No one's stopping her!

All these questions ... Sorry.

Ah, that's the universal question for most babies - "if they're tired, why don't they fall asleep?"

The general cues for sleep are eye rubbing and yawning. What do you do to get your baby to sleep at night? You possibly need to do something like that during the day. I used to have to force some of the naps (rigorous jiggling and rocking for us, or walking in the pushchair) but after a few weeks she started to realise that she was tired, and she would like a nap, and she would fall asleep much easier.

The NHS round here did a really interesting session on how your baby's brain develops. It talked about how babies know they feel something but they don't know what it is, so they look to you to explain that they are tired, or hungry, or lonely. That's not a huge amount of use when you don't know either! But you learn together.

you will get to know her needs - it will just take a while that's all. Will be much quicker with the second child! Don't be harsh on yourself, you sound lovely.

If the baby yawns, put it to bed ASAP. Don't miss the window

It depends on the baby too - some are much easier to read than others.

With my first I didn't know what she needed until she was a bit older and I put that down to inexperience.

I could interpret my second baby's cries extremely easily and consequently had an easier time with him. He was much more contented because I knew just what to do for him and when.

But my third was just as much a mystery as the first. So in the early days, I just tried everything. And fed her a lot - every time she squeaked I latched her on and it seemed to work

As Nelly said, you will learn together.

I have never understood the "different cries" thing. People were constantly telling me he was the wrong temperature.

If you get one of those checklists - too hot? too cold? hungry? tired? etc

If none of the above swaddle and cuddle until falls asleep.

Once I could not work out what ds wanted, but I really needed a shower and it was 3pm and I was still in my pyjamas. I put him in his basket and had the fastest shower in history, sprinted back to his basket and he was asleep - he must have wanted to be left alone!

Gosh, I didn't have a clue what DD wanted at 10 weeks and still struggle now she is 3.5!

DS is a different kettle of fish - very predictable, very easy to read.

At 10 weeks I'd always try feeding first - if they're hungry you're sorted, if they're tired they should fall asleep on the boob and if they start squirming they probably need a poo or a burp.

In a few weeks time they might need like a bit more stimulation so you could probably try a little wander around or play instead of feeding if they've not long had a feed or sleep.

And yes as gimbling says, sometimes they just want to be put down and left alone - I always forget about that option!

On the sleeping thing, timing really helped us. Most babies can only do 1.5-2 hours awake before getting overtired (and then finding it much harder to sleep). The happy awake time usually starts shorter and lengthens during the day so it might be 45 mins after first waking, then 2 hours by the end of the day.

They are definitely different though. I spent ages trying to get DS to sleep when he started to yawn and fuss. It took so long to get him off, and I was really stressed. After taking advice from a friend, it turned out that he always yawned and fussed about 45 mins before he actually got tired - so it was the second instance of yawning & fussing which showed us he needed to sleep.

He wouldn't feed to sleep at all until 10 weeks (nighttime) and 14 weeks (naps). I have no idea why.

Lots of babies like to sleep in a sling. It was the only way DS would sleep in the day till he was about 3.5 months old. Saved our sanity, it did.

DD will fall asleep on me (or DH), either held or in the sling. Once she's off at night, we can put her down and she'll usually sleep through; in the day, she'll occasionally continue to sleep if put down, but more often she wakes up and fusses. I've got to the point of not minding this most of the time, but the HV and friends keep telling me I'm training her in bad habits and should put her down when she's sleepy but awake. I have tried this and it's worked once at night and not at all in the day; normally I end up with a baby who screams herself hoarse and won't be comforted for at least an hour . So I end up feeling guilty whatever I do, either for upsetting DD or for doing the wrong thing.

ali I have 2 ds's. I never knew what they wanted when they cried.
I too had heard all about you just know, but not me.
I was amazed that 7 jours after ds1 was born, I recognised his cry in the hospital from the corridor. I knew it was him over any of the other babies. So, I could always pick my baby's cry out, but wouldn't necessarily always know what it was for, so every time was a process of elimination.
having said that, I am a complete control freak and am routine crazy so he was in a routine very quickly, fed every 4 hours, naps same time daily etc, which left the crying down to nappy, too hot/cold, attention, pain.

When I started getting him into a routine for his naps, I made sure the bedtime routine was in place and then copied that (minus bath) for afternoon nap. So, he'd have lunch, we'd hug/play, then after about half an hour, we'd go upstairs, I'd take his topclothes off and change his nappy, give him a quick wipe with some wet cotton wool, read a story and give some milk. then put him down and get into bed myself. 3 hours we'd get mostly.

Don't feel guilty about anything. It's a complete waste of energy, You have nothing to feel guilty for. Ignore the training bad habits into her. Such a load of crap! She'll go through so many sleep stages and rfoutine changes anyway, I'm pretty sure (after doing things the complete opposite with ds2) that whatever you do makes no difference in the long run.
Whatever phase she's in now will only last a certain amount of time and then it'll be something else.

I had another look at the Baby Whisperer book this morning, but like a lot of the other advice I've been given, it seems all very well in theory but I can't relate it to my actual baby!

That'll continue ali, all depends on your childs personality. I've read them all, toddler taming (horrid book), how to talk......., raising boys, siblings without rivalry, the incredible years (my favourite) and I'm sure there are others. Most of the concepts of these books are fab, but like you say, have trouble relating some of them to my children, so they just have to be adjusted somewhat.