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Original poster

Party invite (or not)

23 replies

hex · 28/03/2006 14:19

My five year DD has not been invited to a friend's birthday party (lots of girls in her class have) How do I explain to her why she can't go when the others are talking excitedly about it? She has invited this friend to her party (which is happening the day before) and is feeling confused and left out.

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Tommy · 28/03/2006 14:24

I think I would do two things: 1.Explain that people can't invite everyone to their parties and that it is not something to get upset about and 2. arrange a treat for her on that day so she has something to look forward to.
I have just started on this party thing (DS1 is 4) and I find it all extremely wearing so I try and be as matter as fact about it as I can.

FairyMum · 28/03/2006 14:26

I would probably say the same as Tommy, but I find it quite rude that your DD is not invited. I hate the politics of b-day parties and tend to invite everyone in class (all girls or all boys).

Hermit · 28/03/2006 14:34

Are you sure she hasn't been invited? We had a situation like this and it turned out the invitations were supposed to have been given out in school through the book bags, but ours had gone astray. DDs friend and her mother both surprised we hadn't turned up at party.
is there a way of tactfully checking? just a thought.

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Original poster

hex · 28/03/2006 16:26

I saw lots of other kids with invites. I'm not sure I can think of a tactful check (any ideas?)In fact, it's a joint party (with a girl from another class, who, incidentally, has also been invited to DD's party the day before). I really don't know what to think. It seems very marked NOT to have invited her, especially since they both had sent positive replies to DD's invites.

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trice · 28/03/2006 16:30

Just ask. What is the worst that can happen? You may shame an invite from the parents and save your dd some heartache.

I find that this is one advantage to being rude and boorish.

GDG · 28/03/2006 16:31

I agree with Tommy, but also agree that you should maybe find a way of finding out if yours has gone astray. Don't know how!

Ds1 is in reception and there has never been a whole class party - none of the kids seem to even bat an eyelid that they don't get invited to some but do to others. Certainly there have been some ds1 has not gone to - fair enough, it's an expensive business! He had his on Saturday and we certainly didn't invite all the boys in the class.

collision · 28/03/2006 16:31

I would speak to the mother and be to the point.

'I am really sorry and a bit embarrassed to mention this and it really is so political with the whole birthday party thing, but has 'x' been invited to 'y's birthday party. It really doesnt matter if she hasnt because we were planning to take her to '.....' that day anyway. The reason I am asking is because we lost her bag last week and i thought that she might have lost the invitation!!'

Just waffle on and on and on!!

HRHQueenOfQuotes · 28/03/2006 16:31

I'm with Tommy - on this one - if she hasn't been invited, she hasn't been invited - if it's her friend she can still buy a present for her.

Feistybird · 28/03/2006 16:34

I agree with Tommy.

The attitude I take is that I let my DD invite from her class who she wishes. I absolutely refuse to go down the road of inviting everyone.

If my DD doesn't get an invite, I remind her that we didn't/couldn't invite everyone. That's life - even at 5.

sweetheart · 28/03/2006 16:34

Perhaps they are only inviting a few children and when given the choice the girls involved didn't want to invite your dd. It's always hard to think our kids aren't the most popular at school but it's something we have to face up to.

Not every parent can afford a party where the whole class is invited and I tend to let my dd choose who she want's to invite - not invite kids on the strength of if they invited my dd to their party or not.

I would forget about it to be honest - if you don't make a fuss about it your dd will probably forget all about it.

Hallgerda · 28/03/2006 16:40

I haven't the resources to return all invitations - I couldn't cope with a whole class coming to a birthday party. I just allow the child whose birthday it is to select 7 friends to invite (there would then be 10 children including my own).

I would follow Tommy's suggestion 1 and not take offence. I'm afraid being left out is something we all have to deal with at some point.

Tommy · 28/03/2006 17:58

blimey - never had so many people agreeing with me!

HRHQueenOfQuotes · 28/03/2006 18:00

was thinking about this just now as I emptied DS1's school bag and found another party invitation - just be glad that your child isn't one of the ones that gets invited to 99.99% of the parties - because even if you set a limit of £5 per present/card it still costs a sodding fortune. Thank goodness for Morrisons book deals

WestCountryLass · 28/03/2006 21:20

As your DDs party is the day before, I would just say something like "thanks for coming, I hope [childs names] party goes well tomorrow, see you Monday (at school)"....

Original poster

hex · 28/03/2006 21:40

Thanks for all your advice. I guess my main concern was seeing her so upset and feeling rejected, as such a young age. Also, it's not the way I would have 'done' things, but there you go...

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Feistybird · 28/03/2006 21:45

Hex, yes if they are upset it's very hard.

sobernow · 28/03/2006 21:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

hex · 29/03/2006 07:47

I think you're right about the RSVP. Not sure if they will feel bad though leaving my dd's party cause I think the party's are scheduled SO close together that it's pretty marked anyway and they would have thought about it already and made a conscious decision not to invite her (for whatever reason. I guess my feeling is that not every child likes evryone but if she felt so strongly about mixing with my daughter then the right thing would have been to say no to dd's invite. As it is, I'm left with the feeling that she's grabbing a free 2 hrs on the saturday to prepare for her daughter's party on the sunday, (though this might be me being petty). Ahh well, I'll try and be the bigger person in all this.

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MadamePlatypus · 29/03/2006 20:39

Assuming that the parents have set a limit on numbers, and given that there are two children throwing the party and that therefore there may have been difficulties deciding who to invite (maybe not all their friends are shared)and that this could account for your DD not being invited, I think it would have been more of a snub if they had turned down your invitiation - that really would have been saying we don't want to be your friend.

If the invitation has been lost, I am sure this will become clear when you see the parents at your DD's birthday party. I agree that if you have been invited to somebody else's party, they should be invited to yours, but I expect the invitations were sent out at similar times, so maybe they just didn't expect to be invited, but were pleasantly surprised?

bushytail · 29/03/2006 20:52

If it seems like "everyone else" has been invited, could you ask the teacher about the invitations? He/she may well have been involved in giving them out, at their age. I disagree that the parents would ask you if there was no RSVP from your dd; perhaps there's another thread on another website called "No RSVP - are they snubbing me??"! Or maybe, like my ds's friends' parents, lots of people in your dd's school don't find it necessary to RSVP (rude I agree, but I've learned to live with it!) :)

I'd def say something, but be prepared to say "fair enough" and forget it if it turns out she's not invited. Life's too short...

Hermit · 06/04/2006 09:12

Just wondering if there is a happy ending to this one (no, I don't have a life!)
Hope your party went well and DD enjoyed it.

Original poster

hex · 06/04/2006 14:05

Well...on Monday, dd's friend's mum asked whether we'd received an invite from the girl from the other class -apparently, she thought that other girl's mum was issuing the invite to DD (two girls are having a joint party). And lo and behold, an invite came the next day..so who knows. It was all a bit odd because I would have thought that the easiest thing would have been to have issued the invite herself since her daughter and DD are in the same class?? I don't know the reasoning behind it and am prepared to accept it as a genuine confusion (life's too short). DD is happy and to be honest, I'm relieved not to have to try and explain why she wasn't invited.
Thanks for all your thoughts and advice. Next year I plan to invite 4 friends to the cinema and that's all..I've had enough of this party stuff..it's far too problematic interactionally.

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pashmina · 06/04/2006 14:33

glad this was sorted out for your daghters sake, I hope she has a lovely time! My dd had a party last week, and she is new to the school, so we invited all the girls to her party, most came, and it was lovely to see her so settled in with her new friends - and now I know who i'd rather she didn't play with

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