nice son - shame about the mother

[tigermoth]

what to do - I fear no one will be able to resolve this, but you never know.

We went to a party just before christmas, children invited. My 9 year old son made friends with another boy his age and played with him for the 3 hour duration of our stay. The boy lives opposite us, has done for years, but my son has never seen him. That's because his mother won't let him play outside.

She is the wife of one of my dh's acquantances - part of our local social circle. Her dh is a really nice guy. I have tried to make friends with his wife, partly because we have sons of the same age and live so close to each other, but although she now will smile and say hello if we pass in the street, that's it.

My dh tells me she has a reputation for being extremely strict and stand-offish and keeps her dh on a very tight leash (her dh only ever visits the pub for a single drink with his colleagues). I don't know how much of this is fact, but I have heard similar talk from other people and have seen how she seems quite distant and a bit humourless on the rare times I see her in company.

My son wants her son to come and visit. He seems like a nice boy and I would be happy for this to happen. I spoke to my dh to ask him if he could forward an invite to the son but he told me to forget it. His mother would never allow him to come here becasue she is extremely choosy about whom her son spends time with. We apparently do not make the grade becasue my dh smokes - she wouldn't let her son enter a house with smokers, whether they are present or not. And she has high standards of housekeeping, and is exceptionally PC about food, toys, etc etc.

If this is true, unless we transform ourselves, I can't see her letting her son through our door ever. Yet I can't help feeling sorry for the son and sad that for my son, the chance of a good friendship has to be passed by.

I could pop a note through her door about our sons meeting up and leave my phone number, but from what I've been told there will be no response. Any other thoughts on this?

I can't see how dropping a note would do any harm. It might be she has gained this reputation unfairly, and is actually just a very shy and nervous person. At least if you try you will know. She might even say yes. Do it without your son knowing though, so he doesn't build his hopes up, just in case. Good luck!

you won't know unless you try. your ds may blame yo for not asking IYKWIM. I would knock and ask, a note may give her the oportunity not to respond at all.

I would pop a note through the door (with your phone number). As you say you will probably not hear back from her, but at least you have tried. Nothing more you can do, but I reckon you owe it to your son to at least makethe gesture.

I think you should knock and ask too.

Or, you could do the note (possibly emphasising that it was your DS who initiated the idea) and if she doesn't contact you, then you could knock/ring and ask! Nothing to lose either way and if it was me it would nag at me if I did nothing.

Good luck, tigermoth!

Give it a go! Good luck! (some people can be stand offish as they are so shy- so she may respond to the first move being made by you).

I think you should try - but instead of saying/writing "we'd love X to come over to our house" then say "ds would love to play with X some time" - which would give her the chance to invite your son to play with hers (if she is concerned about the passive smoking public health hazard disaster area that is your house!)

GREAT thread title by the way

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well, I'll definintely give the note a try, emphasising it's my son who wants to meet her son. Good idea not to mention the venue, so that gives her the opportunity to invite my son over if she's so worried about her son coming to ours.

Good point about the party and passive smoking. Yes,people were smoking in one room at this small party, including my dh. He said this woman firmly shoo-ed her son out of the smoker's room. I'm kicking myself for not gettting round to talking to her at the party, then I could have asked her about our sons meeting up and passed her my phone number.

I really wish I could say she is shy. I really have tried to make conversation with her other times in the past. But I honestly think she does not want to get to know me. She and one of my other nieghbours are friends, and she occasionally holds get togethers in the evening - along with one or two other mothers in the area. They are not a tight knit group, and bizarrely I have vagued connections with all these women through work, evening classes, school etc - and they all know that I know they meet up, said I must come along, and this son's mother has said she'll invite me next time they meet. This has been going on for over a year - no invite so far. Since they really know nothing about me, it can't be something I've said or done, and she seems happy for her dh to socialise with my dh. Bizarre! Because of what I've heard about her and this experience, I'd be too nervous about making the first move and inviting these women to my house.

So you can see why I hold out few hopes of a friendship between my son and hers developing. Ironically, the lack of response does want to make me want to stick my neck out again and try.

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Agree with the others tigermoth, give it a go and see what happens. Please do report back!

I'd be interested to know what happens here tigermoth. Isn't it funny how she has gained a reputation as being stand-offish and yet has get togethers with others, presume she can't be that bad. And yet, somehow, she has a view of you which must be way off beam.. Good luck.