Can anyone give me some UP ideas for dealing with maddening DS 3.5yrs?

[TheHAUNTEDHouseofMirth]

I don't think I realised how easy it was to parent DS1 at this age! DS2 is much more challenging. He does the usual 3 yo stuff but also will be very mean to his 7 yo brother (kicking him etc) and when it's directed at DS1 I obviously need to be seen to be taking it seriously. When DS1 was this age I'd have a nice chat with him and he would listen, go of and have a thik adn then apologise and generally not do it again. When I try to talk to DS2 he laughs and runs off. This make me very cross.

I don't approve of smacking, naughty steps etc. Because it's all quite instant behaviour there's often no time to give warnings so I can't do sanctions in those situations. In my frustration I have done the classic "right, you're not having the cake I promised you" thing but of course it doesn't make him sorry, only resentful. Or he apologiss just to get the cake. I want him to do what DS1 was able to do; reflect on what he's done and offer a genuine and sincere apology.

Any ideas?

So you are seeking to facilitate reflection? To be honest I think having to sit out for a bit is the best way of doing that... We used to put DD1 on the sofa to think about it...

RillaBlythe (love your name) yes, but that is usually the point at which he laughs and runs away...Definitley not up for holding him down.

Try to think of each kicking incident as a learning opportunity. Your aim is to teach your DS to not let anger get the better of him. Don't worry if it takes a lot of time. As long as your oldest DS knows you are not letting him get away with it. Make sure he knows that you are teaching his younger brother to avoid hitting/kicking even if you might not be doing it the same way as they teach that stuff at school.

Have a chat with your youngest DS about how he can't hit/kick and that when he's feeling frustrated or angry he needs to either calm down or work his frustration out. You can brainstorm what he would like to do to calm down and agree a spot where he can do this. DD is older but is quick to spark and she goes off to her room to read to calm down. (It's fine if it's pleasurable). She went through a phase of scrunching up scrap paper when she was much smaller.
Then when you catch him losing it, restrain him (if it's not too late), remind him he needs to walk away if he's getting so angry that he's hitting or kicking and that he needs to go to his calm place or stop and do 10 star jumps or whatever you came up with.

And don't forget it was different for your DS1 because he didn't have an older brother on the scene!

By whatever you came up with, I mean a collective you. Ideally the solution will be whatever he came up with. I think it really helps if it's his choice.

Agree with somme. A friend's son draws angry zigzags on big paper (lining paper he unrolls across the room and covers in zigzags). Once when she was angry & told him how she was feeling he went and got her the crayons and paper!

Thank you for your responses, it's really helpful to have an outside point of view. The kicking is not anger, he's deliberately trying to wind his brother up. He also takes his things to upset him. I do find it hard parenting siblings. I'm an only child and I find it very difficult sometimes to know what to do.

So do you think he's acting like this because he's jealous?

Sibling Rivalry is a really good book. Have you read it? I found it most helpful. (Even growing up with siblings doesn't prepare you for parenting them!)

Great idea somme

Somme do you mean thisone or the one by the woman who wrote How To Talk?

I meant the one by the women who wrote HTT. I haven't read the one in the link.