Studying, work, unsupportive husband, DC - how to manage?

[fingerbiter]

Hi all,
A regular here to the Relationships board who has namechanged for this. I?m struggling while studying and could use some support. To avoid drip-feeding, this is me ? work full time in a demanding job, DC who is nearly 2, husband away a lot during the week who is unsupportive at childcare and doesn?t like me studying. In order to progress any further in my career I need to complete a work qualification (self-study diploma which is NVQ5 equivalent) which will take 3 years, with 3 exams and a dissertation. I started it at the beginning of this year, struggled with fitting in any studying ? ended up having to do it at home in the evenings or occasionally a bit at work. Husband was really unsupportive, complained that my evenings were ?taken up? (we?re having a rough patch and going through Relate counselling at the mo).

I took my first exam in the summer, was saturated with information and gave it what I thought was my best shot. I found out the other week that I failed it by only a few marks. I?m appealing the decision but either way I will have another exam in January (either a retake, or the next module for which I havn?t even opened the book yet). My problem now is that I?m so disheartened by the whole thing, I felt I did my best and to fail was so upsetting. I?m struggling to get back into the swing of studying, can?t even bear looking at my books. I should be studying now but so tired.

I?m finding this so hard, especially with no support. We have no family here so no-one to take over any childcare. By the time DC goes to bed I?m exhausted and with chores etc don?t have more than an hour and a half max to study every night. My husband won?t pick up any slack and I?ve given up trying. Once I have this qual I?m lined up for a promotion so don?t know if he?s a bit jealous as it?ll mean I?m more qualified at my job than him and will earn more.

Anyway ? what to do now? How do I kick myself back into gear? How do I make more time to study? How do you all manage? Thanks

Oh dear. It sounds like you have two issues to deal with. Your husband and your studies.

1. Husband. Why is he unsupportive? Does he perhaps feel that this is something that was forced onto him? Did you choose to do it or are work making you? Does he understand that there will be more money for the family at the end of it? Does he feel emasculated by the thought of you being the main breadwinner? (a lot of men do)

I know you are exhausted. it's. really. hard. As soon as my student support comes through we are getting a cleaner. Is that an option for you? Can you cut down on domestic stuff to the absolute minimum to increase your study time? I assume (from reading too many MN threads) that you do the majority of the housework. Otherwise you have to be super organised and on top of everything all the time (I never am). We have 3 washing baskets now, one for 30, 40 and 60 which saves a bit of time. All bags need to be packed the night before. Meal plan. Cook double, freeze half.

1. Your studies. If you don't know where you went wrong then you need to talk to your course convenor, tutor or whoever it is that has responsibiliy for the students. It might be that your exam technique needs some work. You can know everything on the syllabus but none of it is any use if you dont know how to write in the way that they want you to. I would ask for practice papers. You may have just misread the question. It's an easy mistake and can happen to anyone. If you only failed by a few marks then you are obviously doing something right, but just not quite enough.

You need to get yourself going again. Can you visualise the sadness and disappointment as a cushion and sit on it. Make yourself do just half an hour. The chances are you'l get going again.

It's a very tough double whammy you've got atm. I really feel for you. Sending you a very un MN hug x

Finger biter I understand. Last year was my first year at uni and I am out two evenings per week to do it, plus all the reading and DH and I really didn't get on and he felt like he was doing me some kind of favour looking after DC.

We also had various other issues.

He really, improved once my results for essays started coming through and he could see I was good at it. I try to make more effort with things at home, for example I easily get into the studying as I love my topic to the detriment of all else, so I make sure we have one or two evenings where we watch a film together. I am terrible domestically but try to keep on top of very obvious stuff like the washing and washing up and very little else. I marinate cubes of chicken etc and freeze as well as make more as the pervious poster said. Sometimes talking to them isn't that helpful and just a small shift makes them automatically behave differently back to us, although I do think he is being an ass, as was my DH.

With the study,again it is just being super organised. Do you enjoy the topic? I have to force myself to go to the kitchen in the evening to work otherwise I don't do it. I am very lucky as we have family around but I am afraid there is nothing you can do but just get your books and do it.

It might also be useful to take some holiday from work.... A day or two every few weeks to just blitz some work.