So Depressed. I am a terrible mother. Please help me change?

[HelpMeIAmDrowning]

Hello All,

I am a quiet regular but have namechanged for this as I am so ashamed to find myself writing this post. From the outside, my real life friends probably wouldn't guess this is me as I seem to keep it together in public but fall apart at home.

I am a SAHM and have 3 dcs (4.4y, 2.2y & 5mo) and am really struggling. We have had a terrible time recently and I know that I am stressed to the hilt and I know that I am taking it out on the children but at the same time I can't seem to stop. DD (the oldest) used to be very well-behaved but since DS1 has turned 2 and become more verbal and they have really started playing together her behaviour has changed. DS1 is not very mature for his age and can't really communicate in sentences yet (although he has lots of words) so DD seems to be 'dumbing down' to his level - lots of silly baby talk, and running around screeching which of course DS1 finds hilarious and so it goes on. I know she is only 4 and that I am expecting too much from her (DH has told me I am too hard on her too) but i hear myself constantly saying 'don't do that..', 'don't do this...' or worse 'why are you being such an idiot?', or even worse still 'shut up - I don't want to listen to you anymore '.

I hate myself and don't want to be the shouty screechy Mum. I am terrified that my daughter hates me and will grow up to be distant and removed from me. I love her so much and really hate the way I am.

Please Mumsnetters can you help me cope better. Other than counting to ten before speaking what else can I try to restrain my damaging comments? I am in tears writing this. Admitting my behaviour to myself by writing this just makes it seem so much worse than I had thought. I really think my kids would be better off without me right now . DH is a much better parent. He is so patient but isn't around very much as he works a lot. I really do love my kids and they deserve better than me for a Mum.

Any help gratefully received. I'll try anything. Thanks.

I sympathise with you so deeply. I have been considering writing basically the same post as you for a long time, but have never actually done it. I think I have exactly the same 'failings' as you do - I expect too much from my children (aged just five and just two), I shout at them too much, and I occasionally do horrible things like criticising them or making them feel guilty about things that they really shouldn't have to feel guilty about. Like you, I go to bed every night telling myself I won't do it any more, but most days I seem to 'revert' back to my old ways. I suspect that most of my friends think I'm a really good mum, but then none of them have ever seen me lose my temper.

I don't know what advice to give, but I wanted you to know you're not alone. The suggestions on here are really helpful, thank you. One thing that I've just started trying is to adopt an absolute mantra that 'it is never ok to shout, no matter what they've done'. That might sound very simplistic, but I'm hoping that it might help me hold myself back (at the moment I can't really think straight when I lose my temper, but I think there's a part of me that thinks, 'I know I'm trying not to shout, but this behaviour is really beyond the pale' (it isn't really, but that's how it seems) - I'm hoping that this mantra will help me keep it together by reminding me that it doesn't matter how 'naughty' they've been, I still mustn't shout. The other thing that I'm hoping will make a difference is the way my little one reacted when I really lost my temper and yelled at the older one the other day. DS1 and I tend to wind each other up, and he's usually the one making me shout, so the way he gets upset (tantrummy) doesn't 'get' me. But the other day when I shouted at him, the little one looked genuinely frightened and jumped on my knee saying 'Mummy no shout, mummy no shout', and it cut me like a knife. I'm going to try to keep that in my mind in future.

Hi, I'm back again because I was just looking at another MN thread (about smacking, which I don't do, but I know that I'm sometimes too rough with the children when I lose my temper, which is almost as bad). Anyway, there was a really good tip on there, which I thought I would share here - when they start winding you up, try pretending that they're someone else's kids instead (a friend's kids, or your niece/nephew), and deal with them appropriately (on the basis that you'd never hit someone else's kids). I think I will try that.

On the note that lapin left, another way that I use to control myself is to try to live by the mantra, be who you want others to think that you are. I take that to mean that I need to live as though someone is watching. The reason my friends think I'm a great mum, is because I am, in front of them. I try. I wonder why its so hard to keep it up when dc and I are alone. I know that its because I try harder to be a good mum when people are around.
At home with dc alone, I try to be a good mum, and a 'perfect' mum and wife, all cleaning needs to be done, perfect food, etc it leads to me being a 'failure'. I try to look at myself as a friend, so what would I say to me of I were my friend?
I would say 'you are a great mum, why do you waste so much time on unnessecisary crap? I don't need to clean and Hoover, its only when I compare myself to some perfect ideal that I feel that way, nobody makes me feel inadequate but me. Is it the same for you? Reflectivly I lay my own standards, and fail to those impossible standards, because I want perfection. I wouldn't expect perfection from anyone else, just me, and therefore I'm the only one that can fail.
Don't fall into that trap. If you were your.friend what advice would you give to you.?

Second reading 'how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk'

have just read it myself after a bad day with dd, had lots of helpful ideas in it...

I try to imagine there's cctv in the room! I used to work with kids and used to think 'the manager could walk in any minute now, is this best practice?!'

There are some good tips on this website and this one sends me daily emails which are really positive.

Must re-read "how to talk..."

You are definately not alone! The last few months I have noticed myself turning into Shouty Mum & I hate myself for it. I've had a bit of a rough time lately & haven't been sleeping well & I find that makes a HUGE difference to how well I can cope with small wingey children - are you getting enough sleep? eating ok? generally looking after yourself? Just taking a multi-vit in the mornings seems to have perked me up a bit.

I am trying really hard to stop the shouting - I realised how ridiculous it was when I found myself screaming at DD1 that "shouting at people won't get them to do what you want" - also my parents pop round from time to time & although they always knock, they would still be able to hear me shouting from outside!

I find distraction works a treat (when I remember to use it) - we have a very elusive tiger in the house who appears from time to time & always seems to need chasing

Defo get some time to yourself - I managed to get a couple of hours out in the garden (alone) today & feel so much better for it - fresh air, sunshine & peace & quiet! - Bliss!

Thanks for those links Naturals. It looks like lots of us are in the same boat! When I was a child, my parents method of child-rearing was to tell us what they wanted us to do, shout if we didn't do it, hit us if we didn't behave. There was no discussion of what we wanted to do, no positive praise, no time outs or any of the modern recommended parenting techniques. I'm not criticising my parents, that was the norm back then. The problem is that our generation does not have a good 'parenting template' to follow. So when there are problems we resort to the methods used on us when we were kids. I learned how to cook and keep house from observing my parents, not from being specifically taught by them. Unfortunately I didn't learn good parenting from them the same way.

This makes it doubly hard for me as a parent. For one thing I'm making my way trying to follow an ideal laid down in a self-help book (I use the Incredible Years by Carolyn Webster-Stratten). Of greater concern to me though is how are my children going to treat their families when they have them. I want them to have a model of treating children with kindness, respect and fair discipline, and not with shouting and bad temper and unreasonable criticism or punishments.

All I can do is keep trying every day but also look after myself. I find it easier to cope when all morning preparations are done the previous day, in my case the kids' clothes are laid out for them, school bags packed, etc. so that when problems arrive (e.g. DS1 won't get up) then I'm better able to keep my cool because I only have one thing to deal with rather than all the other problems at the same time. But like the OP I need to get my DH's support and that's not easy. He's out for work before the kids are even awake so I'm on my own with them but it would help if he could contribute to the smooth running. I'll need to ask him to help out, maybe to put out the kids' breakfast before he leaves for work as at the moment I'm trying to feed kids, dog and cat simultaneously, usually resulting in me not getting anything.

Hi everyone,

Thank you so much for all the tips - this is exactly what I needed! I like the idea of pretending that someone is watching or pretendng that the dcs belong to someone else. Will definitely try this one. Bizarrely, some of my friends have told me that they think I am a really good Mum so I must be doing something right when out in oublic. just need to work out what that is now!

Actually I have bought 'how to talk..' but haven't had the energy to read it yet - must try harder!

Today was a bit better I think. It helped to know that there are other Mums struggling too, even though I am sorry for anyone who feels the way I do. We went out to meet some friends today and the dcs are generally much better behaved when out of the house. I just started to get a bit grumpy with them at dinnertime when DD was whining that she was too tired to eat/ sit at the table and ds insisted in bringing nearly every toy in the hosue to the table with him. I didn't lose it though which is progress right??

The next few weeks will be tricky and although I now think I should tell not ask DH that I need some space, it's unlikely for now as MIL is coming to stay for 3 weeks from Friday so that's a whole other level of stress right there!

Can anyone else report a good day today just to chivvy me along a bit more??

I had a bit of a breakthrough moment last night where it occurred to me that one of the reasons why I am afraid to ask for help/complain in RL is because I have chosen to have 3 kids all close together in age. I don't know if anyone else experienced this, but when we announced the 3rd pregnancy, we got lots of 'are you insane??' kind of responses. All supposedly good-natured stuff but still...it makes me feel I have to be happy and positive all the time so that they can't say 'I told you so'.

Anyway, that was my day! Hope everyone's coping and thanks again!

StuntNun I forgot to say that I can totally identify with the not eating breakfast! I can't remember the last time i ate breakfast! Some days I don't even get time for a shower and I just cannot function without a shower. I feel icky and crap all day

Thanks for the links Naturalbaby - I'm off to read them now!

Hi Help,

Your OP really resonated with me, I had 3 under 3, whilst living overseas and I know how cripplingly hard it is. We sound very very similar in personality. I used to wake so many days thinking, today will be better, I will not get angry, I will not shout and within 20 minutes the bickering would start and I would be soul destroyed.

I can hand on heart say a couple of years down the line it has got easier, mine are now 6,5 and 3.8 and life has got better, the older ones are in school and dd1 is in nursery. As I now get a little time away from them it feels so much more manageable. We still have the older ones dumbing down, the shrieking and general noise and chaos but with some areas of calm when they actually play together nicely.

I just so feel where you are right now. I want to offer you support and some empathy. You are doing a brilliant job, and are clearly a great mum if you were not you wouldn't even be worrying.

Drowning I talked to my DS1 yesterday to say that I was really stressed out in the mornings and did he have any suggestions? Long story short he got up as soon as the alarm went off (very bleary eyed) and we had an almost trouble free morning (apart from me breaking a glass and little shards going everywhere!) But problems like that are easier to deal with when everything else is going smoothly aren't they? So that's one good day, FC for tomorrow. At bed time I'll tell him again how pleased I am with him and how he made my day much better.

it's only now I'm past ds3's first year that I can be more open and honest with friends about how hard it is, and I'm getting a lot of 'but you have 3 tiny kids!!'.

I feel like a fake when people tell me what a great mum I am, and how good my kids are - I just think 'you have no idea what goes on in our house!' but if it was that bad then people wouldn't see the good bits at all would they?!

HelpMe - I had a good day here today, although my tongue hurts from biting it so much! I even managed to turn one of DD1's strops into a giggling session!

They are off to GPs tomorrow while I work. I have packed their bags to make the morning easier & am determined to knock off work 15m early to make tea/bath-time less stressful for me.

How did we do today ladies? My DS1 wouldn't get up and DS2 took ages (45 min) to eat his breakfast but we made it to school on time so no complaints here.

Today was good again here - although they spent most of the day at the GPs & I missed my usual bedtime duties by going to yoga instead! Nursery/pre-school/work rush tomorrow, so that will be a test for me....

Drowning, I had three with same age gap. When dh got in from work, I would leave. . Take the dog out for 15 minutes, go for a run, whatever. I a tally went back to work one weekend a month and left him completely to it from Friday evening to Sunday night.

Doing nothing but small kids 24/7 is the devil's job.

Get out of the house as much as you can. Take them anywhere and everywhere. Always have something planned to leave the house every single day.

And leave them with dh on his own. He's their father. You need a break.