Ds's comment just really genuinely upset me

[CurlyhairedAssassin]

He is 8. I feel really upset. I was joking around with him and ds2 while watching x factor and the mum who was surprised when her 2 children turned up at her hotel. I said "aah, shall I go away for a few weeks to a hotel? Would you miss me?"

Ds1 immediately said "no". Dh then joked "you can't do that cos you can't sing." at which ds1 replied "yes, because u can't sing. Dad can't go because we'd miss him too much.". So I laughed and said "so you'd miss dad but not me?" and he said "yes, because he's fun and you're not." Still joking along I said "ok, next time you need me to look after you when you're ill I'll let dad do it, because he'd be more fun." I thought DS1 would then be a bit sheepish and realise he'd said something silly but he just said "no, you have to do that because otherwise you'd do nothing."

I actually couldn't speak and feel genuinely upset by his comments for the first time ever. Does he really think I bring nothing to his life? Dh is a good dad but he works very long hours and so when he sees them he just plays with them so I think they do see him as the fun novel one and me as the boring one because I'm always just there for them doing everything for them.

I know he's only 8 but it's really hurt my feelings. How can I rationalise this? I daren't tell dh how I feel as he would make ds1 apologise and I think it would make him feel bad. Not sure at 8 that he even realises what he's saying.

I just feel so unappreciated as a mum and all I do for them.

x-post

Glad to hear that he was a bit uncomfortable. He probably realised that he was in the wrong.

But I would be a bit at my DC thinking I did nothing except caring for them, organizing holidays etc. Surely he is aware that you work? And you have friends and interests (I'm assuming)?

"Your DH is the ipad, but you, my dear, are the bed". Quote of the day if ever I heard one, fantastic!

WeAreSix; yes, I think what I need to do is ask dh to do some of the chores while I be the "fun one" sometimes.

Problem is that even if I'm not doing chores then he still seems like the fun one. Like at weekends, dh thoughtfully lets me have a lie-in while he gets up with the kids and because we are not rushing out for school he makes them a "special" breakfast like a bacon buttie or something do then to them he is "super dad" giving them a special treat!

Yes, and along with that, why not teach your son some manners to use when speaking to you too?

"Why are we having this conversation, it's a waste of time."

Quite rude really.

YY, pictish.

Winnybella, you're right. He does need to learn to show appreciation, not just to me. But also to his grandparents etc. As for knowing I work, well, yes, he knows but always just comments if it affects HIM. Eg if I'm a few mins late at pick up time he moans "why are you so late?" etc and if I explain that something happened last minute at work he can't seem to understand that and just complains about me being a few mins late to get him!

I guess he just needs a helping hand learning to develop empathy. I work in a secondary school and know it doesn't happen till quite late especially in boys but there's nothing wrong with encouraging it to come along early!

When you are an 8 year old boy, dads are often lots of fun. most of them anyway But it's mum who makes life carry on.

Mum makes sure you have a present to take to the party (and knows what time it is and where.)
Mum remembers it's non uniform day at school or that you have to take an egg box in to school to make a stegasouraus (and she's kept one for you).
Mum knows where you left your special stone/ball/beetle.
Mum knows what your shoe size is and what trainers are the ones everyone wears.
Mum knows you didn't clean your teeth even though you said you did.
Mum knows when you are tired or hungry or worried before you even do yourself and fixes it.
The list is infinite.

When you are 8 you don't notice this stuff because you take it for granted (like air). An 8 year old should be able to take this for granted. It's only if it's not there that you miss it.

Don't make your 8 year old sorry that he didn't notice you. He will.

He does sound a little rude to in various situations, going from what you've said. I don't think I would have spoken to my mother like that or there'd have been an inevitable bollocking about being 'ungrateful'.

I think there are 2 sides to things - him developing empathy and him learning what is appropriate to say and what is appropriate to keep to himself. e.g. he may well be annoyed about you being late but it is not OK to whine about it

Yes, pictish, I should have told him that was rude but I was a bit taken aback. He is a good boy normally and not ill-mannered and I thought it was maybe his clumsy way of getting out of a difficult conversation. But yes, perhaps I do need to pick him up on this stuff more often.

Thanks.

I am made up I posted about this - bed vs iPad is brilliant!

It is brilliant. That should go in the next book. Chapter one.

What I do with mine, and especially ds1 as he has asd and can be rather critical, is to pretend to ignore the crappy thing they just said, and pretend to answer for them, put on a silly voice and say "^Thank you Mummy, for washing the plates and cooking the food just the way I like it, paying special attention to not letting the peas and sweetcorn get muddled up, even though it's a faff, we really appreciate and we love you Mummy, we really do!"

And then they laugh at my - and then they say thank you.

He's eight, he has not a friggin clue what you do all day and how much of it is for him. I told ds2 (6) my average day once, and his eyes were on stalks, he said "But when do you go to sleep!"

Lovely post, slambang, so familiar- yes, I know exactly what you mean, I do all those things you list whereas dh wouldn't have a clue!!

Thank you all do much.

X

SO much!

at your ds asking you when you sleep, colditz!!!

I think the fact he said "no" immediately speaks volumes.

Your DH decided to turn it into a joke at your expense and DS1 played along. That's how I read it anyway.

Post of the weekend has to go to colditz

If it helps curly my son told me if I got any fatter I'd have a heart attack and die

I forgive him only because he's 3.

I get it that kids are sods because they are secure. Doesn't help when mum is feeling shit as the child has been rude/disobedient/obnoxious for the millionth time that day.

Seems I wasn't on my own at the weekend, I noticed quite a few posts where people felt fed up and unappreciated by all they do for their families.

I do think some children can naturally be more empathetic and appreciative than others. Ds2 is only 6 and thanks me much more often for things I do for him. And it was lovely the other night when I was giving him his usual hug goodnight in bed and a bit shyly and self-consciously he said "mum, when I have a bad dream and you come to my room and hug me like that you make everything alright again and I can easily go back to sleep." That was such a lovely thing to hear and I told him so. If only ds1 could be that appreciative of my nurturing! Sometimes you just need to hear it from THEM that you make a difference to their life - ds2 lets me know in lots of little ways; ds1 has just never been that expressive. For his future wife's sake I need to get him in training NOW!