dd's friend 12 inappropriate chat on Facebook - help don't know what to do

[MaryRose]

My dd's friend slept over Friday, we haven't known her long but she seems very sweet, clever, polite. I have very strict rules on FB for my dd, all her notifications come to me so I see exactly what she is up to, she has to use the computer in the same room as me plus no laptops or phones in bedrooms or at night.

Foolishly I dropped this rule for the sleepover, most of the time they were making up photo collages etc on Facebook and I kept wandering in to see what they were up to, a few times I heard they were on chat so I deliberately went in to check what they were up to, dd's friend was on chat and ended the call abruptly, my dd was on the other side of the room. Didn't seem to be doing anything untoward. But I decided to check chat history and there were a few disturbing messages to boys from dd's friend, nothing really overtly sexual but just stuff like 'will you get with me' 'will you get with (my dd)' etc, one about the size of my dd's friends boobs and one boy had signed off saying something like 'oh and you can suck me off' I'm totally shocked, these are all boys they know, all boys their own age, they all go to their school, is this how some 12 year old lads talk now? What if she was doing something inappropriate on the webcam? I don't think so as I kept walking in and I checked the history and they turned off the computer as requested when I went to bed but I'm still worried.

The thing is, the background to this I have now found out is that this was all though my dd's FB account as her friend has been banned from computer and phone. My daughter told me this is because her ex boyfriend had sent dd's friend a naked photo of himself, parents found out, banned her. Of course she know wants to use my daughter's phone etc. She does seem totally boy obsessed (that's not to say my dd isn't, but this friend seems to need constant approval from teh boys, lots of teh messages were asking who was prettiest in their group of friends etc, bit sad really)

I am prepared to read the riot act to my daughter tonight, I have changed all her passwords, locked her phone and there will be strict rules about no-one else using her phone and the computer. I am going to talk to her about reputations and being careful how you behave, even though it wasn't her doing the chat, I don't want this kind of behaviour rubbing off on her. She is a sensible girl but I fear she could be pressurised by friends, particularly as there are new ones she has just met at secondary and might want to get 'in' with but I don't know what else to do, have been worrying all day and I feel sick

Oh and I am going to ban her from using webcam and have removed the app!

I think you have done the right things so far. Not ideal behaviour but seems quite mild as to what some children that age can get upto. I would just reiterate to dd that no one but her uses her accounts as if this had gone any further and anyone was to be in serious trouble your dd would be hard pushed to prove it was not her and so she would ultimatly take the flack. lay that on thick and exxplain that sometimes the police may become involved with children over stepping sexual bounderies on the internet and dd would ultimatly be responsible for her own phne facebook etc and would be the one landed in trouble.

also just because that is how they are talking with alot of bravado, it does not mean that is exactly what they are upto .

Thank you. They just seem so much more advanced than I was at that age, Facebook scares the crap out of me with kids so I check what she is up to ALL the time, just so cross with myself for letting my guard down because a friend was staying! Is that really quite mild? Scary

Don't stress!!! There young and its just what we did when we were young but we didn't have the Internet so we just had inappropriate mags ect.! Don't be afraid of what we don't know that's what I say!!!

I think you need to relax. It's normal for kids that age to talk like that as they've possibly just heard it from someone else and are now showing off.
I'm 13 (14 in nearly a week! :)) and when I was 10 I talked like that sometimes.

Whoops... possibly? I meant they heard it from someone else. o.o

Be careful not to punish your daughter for her friends actions, as she will probably see that as incredibly unfair. You do need to police internet use, and to make sure that your dd is confident to say no to her friends if they want to use her privileges but you also need to show your dd that you trust her judgement, and t help her to develop that judgement. It's much easier to do that if she sees you as being on her side (with firm rules and boundaries).

I'd also start any conversation as openly as possible so that she gets the chance to tell you about how she feels. She may be very embarrassed and uncomfortable about her friends behaviour and be looking for support in thinking it's not OK, or she may be a bit worried that that is how to behave and not want to. Or of course she might have been egging the friend on. Lots of different scenarios!

We've found with dd (just turned 13) that keeping communication open has been really important with helping her to work throguh this sort of rubbish, and it's meant that she has shown us things rather than us finding them out. We also have strong house rules and enforce them with visiting kids.

I think the other child's parents bear some responsibility for not telling you when they dropped her off.

They really should have said that they didn't let her use the Internet now because of previous bad behaviours

Yes that too. dd has a friend who was banned from various sites, and she comes with that health warning as it were (nice kid and I've no idea what the previous incidents were) but we do know her parents quite well. Different with a new friend I guess. Also the parents might not have thought that unsupervised FB would be an issue for a 12 year old sleepover.

I remember boys (and girls) talking like that when I was 12. Didn't have Internet but I remember one lad 'passing a note' to my friend Paula in class saying something along the lines of "do you want to toss me off?". Teacher caught them and they both got such a bollocking. Thing was, it was just chatter. Even if she had have said yes, I don't think either of them would actually know what to do with themselves.
Although you're clearly shocked I don't think this is abnormal behaviour for a girl of her age. So yes, I agree re-iterate Internet security, personal boundaries, self respect etc. but don't be too hard on her. Now more than ever she needs to know she can open up to you and be honest. You don't want her hiding things from her 'fuddy-duddy, prude of a mum'. (Possibly her interpretation, not mine)

Why is she on fb. She's underage.

As another poster has said, please don't punish your daughter if she hasn't done anything herself. Arguably you shouldn't have let them have the opportunity. Talk to your daughter, see how involved she was, ask her opinion and take it from there. Ask her what she will do if her friend asks to use her phone etc. play it by ear after you've had a chat.

I agree with other posters you shouldn"t punish your DD for something her friend has done. She shouldn't be on facebook anyway as she is under 13.