What makes a child be a bully???

[alittlebitshy]

Further to my inane ramblings earlier in the week about dd (2.10) having started pushing and hitting, particulary other children, and my panic over it all....

I was wondering how do children start bullying? what makes them do it? how can you teach a child not to?I KNow it sounds obvious, you teach a child that nice girls/boys do x, y,z and do not hurt other people...blah blah blah.

BUt is it as simple as that?

I am amazed that my previously sweet, friendly and kind dd is being such a brute... is this is sign of the future? and i am so so scared!!!!

Everyone says it's a phase... but right now it feels interminable.

Ds is just emerging from that phase. Its vile, especially since he always seemingly went for the kids with the bitchiest, least understanding mums.

It does get better, she will not be a "bully" at 10. She is still learning how to interact with others. To an extent, I think this is a confidence thing.

I noticed ds hit/bit mainly when overwhelmed by the number of other kids around. So have limited playgroups etc (previously took him to everything going in order to "socialise" him.

Also-I am very guilty of telling ds off like mad if he hits another child/takes their toys, etc, but basically telling ds to let it go if the same thing happens to him. So not really teaching him that I'll fight his corner. I realised that this was making it worse, and me standing up for him (eg, there are two cars, lets share, or, ds is playing with that right now, you can have it soon) really really makes a difference. I find this incredibly hard, but from his pov it must have seemed like he had to defend himself as I didn't.

Also, this started for ds after his baby sister was born. Take it there's no obvious triggers like that?

Best of luck. Honestly, it gets better.

well, dh has been in hospital and away (not allowed to speak - lol imagine with a toddler, so we sent him inot exile :)) so it cuold be connected.

and first thing she did when he came bnack was her version of sspitting, at him (more like a raspberry). so maybe....

but i hate it.

mmm, we go to alot of things.. i'm thinking of cutting it down... she has playgroupy/preschool 2 mornings anyway when i am not there to see what's happening, so maybe less of the other groups is in order?!

How long do the phases last and does it just come to a natural end?

Filyjonk - tell me, how did you deal with the episodes??????

hi alittlebitshy... I didn't see your other thread but I work in a pre-school and we often find the children who seem to push/hit are the ones who are a bit behind with their speech.. they want to say.. get off give that back... but because they don't have the speech they tend to get frustrated and hit out...

This does sound like a normal phase don't beat your self up over it.....
(that last line made me laugh by the way)... [haha]

thing is dd has always been well ahead with her speech. that's part of my confusion!!!!

What did the pre-school say about her pushing?
How do they deal with it

afaik it has only been going on a week or so, and they didn;t mentiuon it to me til i mentioned it ti them which i am about - so tomorrow i need to ask what they do do about it!! as far as dd tells me they just say "no" but, she may be "forgetting". lol

I know i sound irrational, but things like this really bother me. I know my parents were v lucky with me (and i think they know it too). I was rarely naughty, wasn't a bully, as a teen was never out being teen-ish, so i suppose neither i or my my mum have any experiences to relate it to.

I just want my lovely dd back. this child is a danger to others (weak)

Poor shy one, I know what you're going through. My DS2 was very "assertive" as well, about a year ago, to the extent that whenever I heard children crying I would be looking for DS, thinking what has he done NOW..., even if it wasn't even him. DS2 definitely needed help expressing himself, so what you are doing by intervening in a quarrel situation is good, imo, because it gives her the words she is looking for. Taking turns is hard to learn, but they will.
I also found that DS2 was sometimes the victim of verbal bullying by his friends, they were bossing him around and he didn't like it, and then he would retaliate physically. Of course I didn't always hear what was going on before he hit out, but one day I did, and from then on I was a bit more lenient towards him, in the sense that I would tell the friends off as well, not just him. That seemed to give him confidence, just as you are saying by fighting her corner a bit more.
So in short, try giving her the words that she is looking for but can't find. Even blowing raspberries to daddy might mean "I've missed you", so I would say something like: If you are happy t see daddy why don't you say I'm so happy you're here and give him a nice cuddle, that's so much nicer".
A year on and DS2 has really grown up, is very good at taking turns and even quarrels constructively, suggesting other options to his playmate etc. Goodluck!

If her speech is good, then when you see her push ask her to "use your words".

Get plenty of books that talk about emotions, or watch age appropriate DVDs and talk about how "he looks sad", "oh she's angry".

She may use the same word for everything that frustrates her for a while - but at least a word is better than a hit.

That's exactly what I used to say, threebob! Use your words. And if he then didn't know what to say I would say: Why don't you say/ask this and that? And then he would and problem solved. Most of the time....